Lisa Schroeder - Far from You

When one of them stepped into my room, the hallway light landed on my closed eyelids, urging them to open like a hand pulling on a doorknob. Its time, Dad said. I didnt open my eyes. I didnt move. I didnt speak. Ali, you awake? I gave a little grunt.

The event wasnt worth wasting breath on. Well call you later. When shes here. Pause. I love you, he said quickly and quietly.

My dog, Cobain, slept at the foot of my bed. I changed directions and curled up next to his warm body, feeling the rhythm of his breathing. I stroked his golden fur, and my heartbeats s o f t e n e d. He breathed. I breathed. Cobain. Cobain.

My oxygen tank. He breathed. I breathed. The garage door rumbled open beneath me. They were gone. Gone until theyd come back with her.

Then thered be me. He breathed. I breathed. They knew her name. But they wouldnt tell me. Itll be a surprise, Victoria had said, like a surprise is a good thing.

My stepmom. Victoria. She reminded me of a chameleon lizard, with her annoying habit of curling her tongue up just slightly, and touching her top lip, when she was concentrating. A chameleon. One minute sweet as chocolate cake. The next, sour and possessive, like an old banker.

Once upon a time he and I were close. Dad. Wed cook together, watch basketball together, and make up silly jingles together, since advertising is his line of work. Things changed. Victoria moved in. He changed.

Its like he tried to move on to greener pastures, but the tractor in the barn, once adored, became a nuisance and kept him connected to the painful past. I squeezed in closer to Cobain. He breathed. I breathed. I could see Dad holding his new baby girl. Happy. Happy.

Totally in love. Hed breathe. Shed breathe. Then thered be me.

I love fall. Fall in Seattle. The season of warm colors. I thought about calling Blaze, to see if I could talk him into going, but he likes church about as much as the queen likes profanity. Its the one thing between us that feels like a tiny splinter in your foot. Painful and annoying, but difficult to remove.

Blaze and I met at a concert last spring. Our eyes locked just as Mudhoney took the stage, and it was like a rocket blasting off into space. I felt heat and my body trembled and forces beyond my control pulled me to him as the music ripped through our bodies. I didnt know his name. He didnt know mine. And yet, it was like wed known each other forever.

My best friend, Claire, was with me, and she kept trying to pull me away, like she was afraid for my life. Silly girl. Nothing to worry about. If anything, he sparked a fire inside of me, making me want to live again.