Sarah Bilston - Sleepless Nights

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New York

The party was in a Brooklyn brownstone. I stood on the sidewalk, staring up at the rearing expanse of red-brown brick, on a hot evening in late June. Above the door, gargoyles grinned and glowered at the street and at the gorgons bulging over the casement cornices. A hot, oily breeze stirred fronds of trailing ivy in two giant, swollen urns beside the door. Little piles of itchy grit swirled in the air, down the long flight of steps, and into my eyes. An old man enjoying the evening grinned as he passed, and touched his hat. Waiting dont make it any easier, you know, he said softly, chuckling.

I rearranged my acre-wide blue dress across my belly, shapeless as a burst balloon, and began to mount the stone stoop. With each step I felt the sharp pull in my scar, a hot, numbed mouth pressed awkwardly closed. At the top I checked my cotton overshirt, re-clipped my snarled red hair, and hit the buzzer.

Inside I could hear voices and the deep pound of a bass. There was a pause, a shout suddenly close by (Dont worry, Ill get it!), and the door flew open; a pale, glamorous woman of forty appeared, dressed in a microscopic black shirtdress, long dark hair flowing glossily over one shoulder. OhQuinn, its you, she said dubiously, looking me up and down. People call you Q, yes? Congratulations, and all that. Come in. She ushered me into the rich, air-conditioned coolness. There are a few other associates hereover there somewhere, I think. She gestured vaguely.

Caroline was the youngest woman ever to be partnered at my law firm, Schuster and Marks. Shed had a string of lovers in the five years Id known her but no husband, and she swore she didnt want one until Ive lost my looks. The only reason to get married is so you can fuck when youre too old to get it any other way, yknow? She spent every penny she earned at Schuster on herselfwhenever she was away from work long enough to spend it, which was not often, especially in recession-era New York. She thought she was a role model for me and the rest of Schusters female associates.

Caroline pushed her way off into the throng, bony arms swinging by her side. I could see the points of each sharp elbow, little pink eyes glaring back at me. Knots of people were collected on each of the three dove-gray silk sofas, while others milled restlessly on the polished parquet floor. Three men were having an intense conversation around the fireplace while a fourth listened, tapping his fingers edgily on the marble surface. There were at least ten people in the kitchen area, spilling off bar stools or talking across the granite countertops while a man with hooded eyes stirred something steaming and blackberry-colored in a copper vat on the stove. A few more were smoking out on the balcony overlooking the slim strip of garden.

Qmy God, I cant believe its you. It was Fay, another of the partners from the firm; there were new lines above her mouth, I noticed, as she slipped her arm around the waist of a young blond woman. How did you manage to get away? Can I get you a drink? Caroline had vodka imported from Russia specially for the party. Its over there and she gestured to a white table on which stood twenty unlabeled bottles beside several towers of stacked shot glasses. After the first six you dont notice the shit-awful taste anymore. Karen, why dont you get her

I reached out to stop the girl, whose vacant wide eyes slid over my face. Thanks, Fay, and Karen, but I cant. Drink, that is. ImIm nursing, I explained.

Fay blinked. Right, she said cautiously.

Breast-feeding I mean, I went on, laughing a little, looking down at my body, feeling a start of shock at my own extraordinarily unfamiliar shape. Since Samuel was born, my nipples, new brown moons, have taken to poking through my clothes to see whats up. My shirt, I realized suddenly, had fallen aside.

Sometimes, for what seems no reason at all, the waves of conversation at a party crash into silence, and for a moment there is nothing but an awkward flutter. Women look askance, men grin foolishly. As it happened, I was in the middle of the room at the time, a little gap opened up about me; about thirty pairs of eyes swiveled in the sudden hush to my ludicrous, pornographically swollen chest. Milk: I felt it, warm and dark and spreading. Blushing, I readjusted my shirt over my navy dresstoo late; a man six feet away turned his head hastily, and there was an audible snicker from somewhere in the kitchen. Fay made a noise that was half a cough, and backed off. I see. Of course. I think (touching her moist brow with the back of her hand)theres water over there, or juice, or whatever it is thatthat nursingerpeople drink. Ill catch up with you later

She pushed her way toward the garden, dragging the bewildered girl behind her. Oh that this too, too solid flesh would melt I fixed my gaze on a vast modern art canvas on the opposite wall, a block of shining black slashed with hell reds and oranges, and, as the noise picked up its hum, tried very hard to look as though I was appreciating its aesthetic complexity.

Bland faces with sharp, glittering eyes moved like other-worldly shadows around the room. I didnt recognize most of the people (lawyers from other firms, most likely) although nearest the fireplace sat Michael, a Schuster partner, now deep in conversation with Marta, an associate hired a few years after me. Sitting beside her was a cohort of mine, named Julie. Very slim, seemingly self-confident; wed never quite managed to be friends. I watched her face covertly. Julie didnt seem to be actively ignoring me.

Tom, why did I ever let you talk me into this Pushing my way past elbows, navigating wafer-thin cocktail glasses, I lumbered over to the little circle, positioning myself on its periphery.

I thought you pulled triumph from the jaws of defeat, Michael, Julie was saying. She was still in her suit, but had pulled her shirt an inch or two out from the waistband. When the chief financial officer took the stand my heart just sank. You could see how confident he was. But then you confronted him with those receipts

Michael shrugged. It helped that the prosecutor was an absolute idiot, obviously.

Julie took a swig from her vodka glass. Your cross-examination was masterlydont you think, Marta? Once youd shown the jury the CFOs hands could be dirty, Michael, tapped into their Wall Street fatigue, I knew we wereoh, hi!

Seeing my shadow fall over her hands, Julie looked up: Q! I cant believe its you. Michael stood up and shook my hand formally; Marta nodded briefly, murmuring something I didnt catch.

Julie, however, patted a small space beside her. Its really nice to see you. Youve been away forwhat, four months? Seems longer. So much has happened, she added, more quietly now, as Marta and Michael fell back into conversation. What a crazy time. Alex and Miranda were fired as part of the restructuring, and quite a few new jobs were cut, but in other ways were doing okay, relatively speakingwell, Im sure youve kept up with the blogs. Helps to be a big firm in times like these, although as youd expect, the associates are still very nervous (with a quick side glance at Michael). I take it you heard we won the Litchfield case? she went on, more loudly. You could hardly have missed it, its been all over the Times, together with smiling photos of that smug CEO. I hear hes just bought a new house in the Hamptonsrecession be damned