Charles Cumming - A Spy by Nature (Alec Milius)

And ye shall know the truth
And the truth shall make you free.

JOHN 8: 32
INSCRIPTION IN THE MAIN LOBBY OF CIA HEADQUARTERS,
LANGLEY, VIRGINIA

At dawn, five days later, my first waking thought is of Kate, as though someone trips a switch behind my closed eyes and she blinks into the morning. It has been like this, on and off, for four months now. Sometimes, still caught in a half dream, I will reach for her as though she were actually beside me in bed. I try to smell her, try to gauge the pressure and softness of her kisses, the delicious sculpture of her spine. Then we lie together, whispering quietly, kissing. Just like old times.

Drawing the curtains, I see that the sky is white, a cloudy midsummer morning that will burn off at noon and break into a good blue day.

All that I have wanted is to tell Kate about SIS. At last something has gone right for me, something that she might be proud of. Someone has given me the chance to put my life together, to do something constructive with all these mind wanderings and ambition. Wasnt that what she always wanted? Wasnt she always complaining about how I wasted opportunities, how I was always waiting for something better to come along? Well, this is it.

But I know that it will not be possible. I have to let her go. Finding it so difficult to let her go.

I shower, dress, and take the tube to Edgware Road, but I am not the first at work. Coming down the narrow, sheltered mews, I see Anna up ahead, fighting vigorously with the lock on the garage door. A heavy bunch of keys drops from her right hand. She stands up to straighten her back and sees me in the distance, her expression one of unambiguous contempt. Not so much as a nod. I push a splay-fingered hand through my hair and say good morning.

Hello, she says archly, twisting the key in the lock.

Shes growing her hair. Long brown strands flecked with old highlights and trapped light.

Why the fuck doesnt Nik give me a key that fucking works?

Try mine.

I steer my key in toward the garage door, a movement that causes Anna to pull her hand out of the way like a flick knife. Her keys fall onto the gray step and she says fuck again. Simultaneously, her bicycle, which has been resting against the wall beside us, topples to the ground. She walks over to pick it up as I unlock the door and go inside.

The air is wooden and musty. Anna comes through the door behind me with a squeezed smile. She is wearing a summer dress of pastel blue cotton dotted with pale yellow flowers. A thin layer of sweat glows on the freckled skin above her breasts, soft as moons. With my index finger I flick the switches one by one. The strip lights in the small office strobe.

There are five desks inside, all hooked up to phones. I weave through them to the far side of the garage, turning right into the kitchen. The kettle is already full and I press it, lifting two mugs from the drying rack. The toilet perches in the corner of the narrow room, topped by rolls of pink paper. Someone has left a half-finished cigarette on the tank that has stained the ceramic. The kettles scaly deposits crackle faintly as I open the door of the fridge.

Fresh milk? No.

When I come out of the kitchen Anna is already on the phone, talking softly to someone in the voice that she uses for boys. Perhaps she left him slumbering in her wide, low bed this morning, the smell of her sex on the pillow. She has opened up the wooden doors of the garage so that daylight has filled the room. I hear the kettle click. Anna catches me looking at her and swivels her chair so that she is facing out onto the mews. I light a cigarette, my last one, and wonder who he is.

So, she says to him, her voice a naughty grin, what are you going to do today? A pause. Oh, Bill, youre so lazy.

She likes his being lazy, she approves of it.

Okay, that sounds good. Mmmm. Ill be finished here at six, maybe earlier if Nik lets me go.

She turns and sees that I am still watching her.

Just Alec. Yeah. Yeah. Thats right.

Her voice drops as she says this. He knows all about what happened between us. She must have told him everything.

Well, theyll be here in a minute. Okay. See you later. Bye.

She turns back into the room and hangs up the phone.

New boyfriend?

Sorry? Standing up, she passes me on her way into the kitchen. I hear her open the door of the fridge, the minute electric buzz of its bright white light, the soft plastic suck of its closing.

Nothing, I say, raising my voice so that she can hear me. I just said, is that your new boyfriend?

No, it was yours, she says, coming out again. Im going to buy some milk.

As she leaves, a telephone rings in the unhoovered office, but I let the answering machine pick it up. Annas footsteps clip away along the cobbles and a car starts up in the mews. I step outside.

Des, the next-door neighbor, is buckled into his magnesium E-type Jag, revving the engine. Des always wears loose black suits and shirts with a sheen, his long silver hair tied back in a ponytail. None of us has ever been able to work out what Des does for a living. He could be an architect, a film producer, the owner of a chain of restaurants. Its impossible to tell just by looking into the windows of his house, which reveal expensive sofas, a wide-screen television, plenty of computer hardware, and, right at the back of the sleek white kitchen, an industrialsize espresso machine. On the rare occasions when Des speaks to anyone in the CEBDO office, it is to complain about excessive noise or car-parking violations. Otherwise, he is an unknown quantity.

Nik shuffles his shabby walk down the mews just as Des is sliding out of it in his low-slung, antique fuck machine. I go back inside and look busy. Nik comes through the open door and glances up at me, still moving forward. He is a small man.

Morning, Alec. How are we today? Ready for a hard days work?

Morning, Nik.

He swings his briefcase up onto his desk and wraps his old leather jacket around the back of the chair.

Do you have a cup of coffee for me?

Nik is a bully and, like all bullies, sees everything in terms of power. Who is threatening me; whom can I threaten? To suffocate the constant nag of his insecurity he must make others feel uncomfortable. I say, Funnily enough, I dont. The batteries are low on my ESP this morning, and I didnt know exactly when youd be arriving.

You being funny with me today, Alec? You feeling confident or something?

He doesnt look at me while he says this. He just shuffles things on his desk.

Ill get you a coffee, Nik.

Thank you.

So I find myself back in the kitchen, reboiling the kettle. And it is only when I am crouched on the floor, peering into the fridge, that I remember Anna has gone out to buy milk. On the middle shelf, a hardened chunk of overly yellow butter wrapped in torn gold foil is slowly being scarfed by mold.

We dont have any milk, I call out. Annas gone out to get some.

Theres no answer, of course.

I put my head around the door of the kitchen and say to Nik, I said theres no milk. Annas gone

I hear you. I hear you. Dont be panicking about it.

I ache to tell him about SIS, to see the look on his cheap, corrupted face. Hey, Nik, youre twice my age and this is all youve been able to come up with: a low-rent, dry-rot garage in Paddington, flogging lies and phony advertising space to your own countrymen. Thats the extent of your lifes work. A few phones, a fax machine, and three secondhand computers running on outdated software. Thats what you have to show for yourself. Thats all you are. Im twenty-four, and Im being recruited by the Secret Intelligence Service.

It is five oclock in the afternoon in Brno, one hour ahead of London. I am talking to a Mr. Klemke, the managing director of a firm of building contractors with ambitions to move into western Europe.