Dannie M. Olguin - Between Safe and Real

BETWEEN SAFE AD REAL

Copyright 2022 by Dannie M. Olguin

ISBN: 978-1-955784-32-0

Fire & Ice Young Adult Books

An Imprint of Melange Books, LLC

White Bear Lake, MN 55110

www.fireandiceya.com

Smashwords Edition

Names, characters, and incidents depicted in this book are products of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of the author or the publisher. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

Published in the United States of America.

Cover Design by Caroline Andrus

This may be a new journal, but nothing much ever changes. Mama's yelling at Daddy againbig freaking surprise. The moment she raised her voice, Bobby and Leesh took off, and I cant say I blame them. If I werent grounded to my room, Id have made myself scarce, too. Bobbys under the back porch, probably trying to dig a hole to the center of the earth. I know because thats his favorite spot to hide whenever Mama yells. Besides, I dare anyone to show me a six-year-old who doesnt love the idea of digging a hole to the center of the earth.

I'm pretty sure Leesh is under the tree behind the house. Lately, shes been spending a lot of time out there, lying on the grass and staring up at the leaves. I should probably ask her again if somethings bothering her, but the last time I asked, she told me to go away, huffed off to her room and slammed the door. I wonder if shes about to get her first period. After all, I was twelve when I got mine, and she just turned thirteen. If thats whats going on with her, it makes sense shes crabby.

Does it make me a bad person that I don't even want to know why Mama's screaming? All that matters to me is shes not screaming at me. I know Im ugly, but she makes it sound like Im some kind of disgusting mutant. Sometimes, when I accidentally see myself in the mirror when Im brushing my teeth or putting my hair in a ponytail, I think shes right. My nose is crooked, and my eyes always have raccoon circles so dark you cant even tell my eyes are brown. Not that it matters, since Mama says my eyes are the same color as Sammycats poop. She can be mean to all of us, but she only says crap like that to me. Until the day I die, Ill never understand what I did to make her hate me so much.

Get out of my sight, Zoe. Looking at you makes me sick. No wonder you dont have a boyfriend. What boy would ever be caught dead with you? I swear to Jesus on the cross, your hairs the exact same color as old dishwater, and for the life of me I cant understand why you dont shave it all off. Youre so skinny, if you did shave it, everyone would think you had cancer. We could set up one of them online fundraisers and rake in the cash.

Honestly, I think Daddy's gone so much because he figures she'll yell at him the same as me if he's home. I get so mad at him for being gone all the time, but he has a family to support so I can't stay angry too long. I just wish he had a job where he came home every night like he used to instead of driving a semi and being gone for a week or more at a time. I wish I could disappear, too, but someones gotta take care of Leesh and Bobby. Besides, like Mama says, if wishes were fishes, the sea would be empty. I don't even know what that means, but it seems fitting, somehow.

Mama doesn't know I found out she's been reading my old journal. I took care to hide it some place I thought she'd never find itway back on the top shelf of my closet, wrapped up in my favorite shirt from three years ago. When I came home from school one day last week, the diary wasnt in the right place, and the shirt was jumbled around the diary instead of folded around it the way I do. It had to be Mama, because Leesh is too honest to snoop. Shes serious about her privacy and would never violate mine.

Bobby doesnt even know about my diary, but if he somehow found out about it and got it in his head to look for it, he couldnt reach the hiding spot. When I look back on how Mama acted between when I found the journal in the wrong spot and when I made my last entry, I realize she had been asking all sorts of nosy questions that fit with my entries. Do I have a crush on anyonethat kind of stuff.

She never asks me how school was or why I don't invite friends over. The only time she shows any interest in me at all is if she wants something or is screaming at me, so why in the world did she bother looking for my diary? What a stupid question, Zoe. Duh. She went looking for it to find proof I think shes a shit mom, so she doesnt have to feel guilty about the way she treats me. I'm glad I listened to my instincts that my diary wasnt safe, and I never wrote about her in it. Thankfully, it was just full of stupid boring stuff, like what I had for lunch or that we had a substitute teacher in English.

There's no way she'll ever get her hands on this one. Every time I leave the house, itll come with me. I carry my backpack everywhere anyway, so she won't even notice I have another notebook in it. Its a relief to finally have a place where I can be honest. Im still gonna write in my old diary now and then, though. Now that she knows about the first diary, I know shell check it every chance she gets and if I stop writing in it, shell become suspicious I have a new one and will tear my room apart to find it.