Norman Sperling - This Book Warps Space and Time: Selections from The Journal of Irreproducible Results

This Book Warps Space and Time copyright 2008 by Norman Sperling. All rights reserved. Printed in China. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-9854-2

Library of Congress Control Number: 2008921600

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A s scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend toward legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the public. Yet we must also offer the caution that such warnings, however well intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of twentieth-century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our list of suggested warnings follows.

WARNING:

This Product Warps Space and
Time in Its Vicinity.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE:

The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) in This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS:

The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

T here is no such thing as light. What there is in the Universe is dark. It is obvious from simple observations that this is so.

What we call light is merely the absence of dark. Dark is continually created. As fast as it is whisked away, more fills up the space.

We can easily establish these facts long hidden by the tenaciousness with which light-headed scientists have clung to their illuminating but less than brilliant theories.

What we have called sources of light are in reality dark-sinks. They are places into which dark is sucked. See . More dark is created and is sucked into the light. It flows at the speed of dark, of course, which is relatively fast.

It is often observed that light bulbs, after failure, contain a quantity of dark inside. The dark has clogged them up. Normally, of course, the dark is sucked down the wires and into power stations, where it is put back into the world in the form of air and water dark (smoke and pollution).

F IGURE 1:

F IGURE 2:

F IGURE 3:

A fire in the fireplace uses chemical energy to pull the dark out of the room, leaving a bucketful in the fireplace afterwards.

Shadows are created simply by objects being in the way. The dark cant get by on its way to the dark-sink.

I suspect that a physicist, being conservative by nature as well as by law, will not accept this radical new theory without flaring up.

Colors? Different-shaped darktons. See . As we have seen in molecular biology texts, enzymes come in the appropriate designs to detect all possible color-shapes.

This is by no means a revelation to be treated lightly. Our view of the world will be markedly changed.As the sunrise empties the valleys of darkwill become precise scientific description instead of poetic vision. Basic philosophy will have to be transformed.Let there be dark-suck? But first there had to be the dark. Perhaps we should alter the old adage, and, applying ourselves directly to the source, we should indeed curse the darkness.

• The supply of truth always greatly exceeds its demand.

• The greatest obstacle to making intelligent decisions is human nature.

• The distinction between genius and stupidity is that the former has its limits.

• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

• Whereas hard work is said to pay off in the future, laziness pays off now.

• If at first you dont succeed, then speedily destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

• If its not one thing, its twoor many more.

• Ignorance, particularly of how sausages and laws are made, has its advantages.

• Less is less. (Always.)

Real Questions from
Earth Science Students

Brenna Lorenz, Penn State University

• Are the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain?

• Is that the ocean? (asked while on a field trip to Marine Lab Beach on Guam, a small island in the Pacific)

• How can the river be flowing north? Thats uphill!

• How can mass wasting be an agent of landscape formation on the Moon? The Moon has no gravity!

• How do I get water into this beaker?

Coffee = Co(Fe)2

T he primary purpose of Fedspeak is to inform the cognizant individual, and at the same time inject notes of chaos and utter incoherence into the ears of noncognizant personnel. Acronyms, the most versatile and powerful of all the Fedspeak tools, must be chosen and applied with great care. Interpretation by noninformed individuals would wreck security and demoralize the most efficient engineer, systems planner, or technical writer.

In no circumstances should an acronym be too similar to the actual message to be derived there from. For example, BOSS means Bio-Astronautic Orbiting Space Station; clearly this is a good acronym, as it is evident that anyone actually on a BOSS is not a boss. The classic bad example involves the Back-Up Guidance System (BUGS), which is easily susceptible to interpretation by anyone, realizing that indeed the system has its fair share of bugs.