Janet Fox - Carry Me Home

Carry Me Home

Janet Fox

To all childrenand their parents

who need a place to call home.

And to Jeff and Kevin,

who are my hearts home.

T HE DAY Lulus daddy disappeared was, so far, the coldest morning of the year.

Thats why she was still curled up tight under the blankets and pressed, back to warm back, against Serena when the sun shot a ray at the mirror that reflected onto Lulus face, waking her hard. She squeezed her eyes and rubbed them, saying out loud, What?

She was asking the sun, What?

Then, Daddy?

Lulu sat up. The Suburbans windows were fogged and Serena stayed asleep. Their daddy was not in the back seat. His blankets were folded into squares, the way he always started his day. But today hed started his day without waking them, without the usual rituals of wet cloth to wipe their faces, the bottle of water and toothbrush to clean their teeth, because as Daddy had said, No matter what, girls, we will practice good hygiene. Cleanliness is right there next to godliness.

Lulu, when hed said this, when she was little and didnt know her words, envisioned a pair of high jeans, what shed now call mom jeans, on a saintly figure, halo, raised eyes, with prayerful hands.

Now that she was all of twelve she knew what hygiene was. She even knew how it was spelled.

Lulu rubbed at the window as her surprise was replaced by confusion and then by a knot in her chest. Her hand made a round hole on the foggy damp glass but she couldnt see anything through the branches that encased the Suburban. Nothing moved, except the sun, which now filled the car with cold light.

It wasnt Saturday. Or Sunday. It was Thursday, a school day, and they were going to be late.

Where was Daddy? The knot tightened.

Reenie, Lulu said, and shook her sisters shoulder. Wake up.

Serena stirred, and her face emerged from the thicket of blankets. Sup?

Were late. Lulu could tell, because it was September and the sun was at that particular slant, that they should already be well on their way. She grabbed the water bottle and wet the cloth and rubbed it rough over her face before handing it to Serena. She yanked on her sweatshirt and jeans and pushed over the seat back from the rear into the second seat where their daddy should be, then shoved the door open with her shoulder.

Man, it was chilly.

Lulu rubbed at her arms and hopped a little, foot to foot, before looking to make sure no one was able to see as she relieved herself behind the car. By the time Serena was dressed and out Lulu had cleaned her teeth and found their jackets and backpacks. She hopped foot to foot again against the shivers as she waited for Serena to finish her morning routine. Lets go, lets go.

Im hungry, Serena whined. Wheres Daddy?

No time. Gotta go, Lulu answered. It was all she said because it was almost all she knew. Except for this.

When no one else couldcould step up, could step in, could do what needed doingLulu would.

But.

Where was Daddy?

O NLY YOUR fourth week in school, Serena Johnson, and already a tardy. The door proctor pressed her lips together as she fished out the form from her desk drawer and filled it in. Its a bad way to start third grade.

Lulu shuffled her feet, her fingers tightening around Serenas. She wished the woman would hurry. She had to leave Serena and make her own way five minutes down the street to the middle school. Being tardy was bad enough, but now she would miss the spelling test.

Lulu had never once had a tardy in Texas. She won the school certificate for perfect attendance every single year. She pushed against the anger that she felt. Daddy had blown it today.

Where was he? What now?

She thought shed heard him go out at some point when it was still dark. He usually went out and used the showers and got dressed and then came back to wake them up. But not today. Today he went out and didnt come back.

When shed left the Suburban this morning, Lulu found Daddys wallet where he always stashed it in the well of the car door with the keys and his cell phone. There were sixty dollars and seventy-five cents in his wallet, and the cell phone was dead. She locked the car and pocketed the keys and his wallet, but left his phone, because phones werent allowed in her middle school, plus it was dead, plus there was no one she could call.

The woman reached through the window and handed Lulu the slip, and said, Right away, then, to her class.

Yes, maam, Lulu mumbled, tugging Serena through the door and into the hall.

Im hungry, Serena said, her voice quiet. Lulu paused. She couldve at least scrounged out a Pop Tart if she hadnt been so flustered. It made her mad at Daddy all over again.

Go on. Ill see you at three, Lulu said. She stared at Serenas tiny back, her tattered Hello Kitty pack, the one that had been Lulus, swaying back and forth.

Lulu ran from Serenas to her own school, got another scolding, picked up another slip, and tried not to run (running was frowned on) on the way to her homeroom.

Miss Baker put her finger to her lips as Lulu opened the door. The spelling test, almost over.

Lulu slid into her seat, catching side-eye from Deana, who wrinkled her nose as if she smelled something bad. Miss Baker said out loud, Last word. Ridiculous.

Lulu wrote down the word, the only word on her paper, then her name, then the date, then Miss Bakers name. As they handed the papers forward, Deana, nose still wrinkled up, whispered, Ridiculous.

Lulus face flamed.

A FTER ALL that badness, all the stuff that happened with Mama, all the stuff that made Lulu feel she needed to step up and do what needed doingafter all that, their daddy had tried so hard.

He tried to make it work. He tried to make their lives feel normal. Like when they were driving away, that first day on the road, the sun a purple thread in the east, the Suburban loaded.

Now, dont you see, this car, its pretty comfy, dont you think? We can save a ton of money.

Lulu watched his eyes as he glanced into the rearview, catching her expression. Next to her Serena stared out the window, silent, watching the post oaks and flat fields fly by. Their first day, just past dawn, the sleep crud still coating Lulus eyelashes.

I miss home, Serena said in a whisper.

I know, honey, Daddy said. But we got ourselves a road trip to better times. Right?

A ton of quiet settled over them until Daddy said, Hey. Did you girls know that in the olden days they used to drive cattle from Texas to Montana? So were going right along that old trail here. Ive got a tape someplace here of cattle drive songs. He fished in the storage well next to him, pulling out one tape after another until he found the one he wanted. Good thing this old vehicle has a tape player, right? Cause I kept all my old tapes. We got ourselves the perfect car. The perfect home away from home. He punched the tape into the deck and a bunch of fiddles blasted out of the speakers, with harmonic mens voices singing about dogies and sagebrush.