Kate DiCamillo - Your Question For Author Here

Contents

BY KATE DiCAMILLO & JON SCIESZKA

D EAR M RS . OT OOPLE,

W E ARE READING THIS BOOK IN SCHOOL WHERE A KID WRITES TO AN AUTHOR.

S O WE HAVE TO WRITE TO AN AUTHOR.

W E ARE ALSO STUDYING P ARTS OF A F RIENDLY L ETTER.

S O THIS IS ALSO A F RIENDLY L ETTER.

I N THE BOOK WE ARE READING THIS KID THINKS THE AUTHORS BOOKS ARE REALLY GREAT AND THEN THE AUTHOR WRITES BACK AND SAVES THE KIDS LIFE OR SOMETHING. I M NOT SURE BECAUSE I ONLY READ THE FIRST PART OF THE BOOK.

P LEASE SEND A BUNCH OF AUTHOR STUFF SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH.

C LOSING ,

J OE J ONES

Dear Joe Jones,

You have reached Maureen OToople. I am quite sure, however, that you have not reached her using the method your teacher suggested. Your teacher asked you to pen a Friendly Letter. The letter I received from you was not Friendly. It was, rather, Perfunctory.

And look, I have written you a Perfunctory Letter in return. Theres a certain symmetry to that, isnt there?

Yours in the spirit of getting this over with,

Maureen OToople

P.S. Im afraid I have no idea what author stuff is. Therefore, I will be unable to send you any.

D EAR M AUREEN OT OOPLE ,

W HAT THE HECK KIND OF AUTHOR LETTER WAS THAT? I AM SUPPOSED TO ASK THE QUESTIONS . Y OU ARE SUPPOSED TO SEND BACK THE AUTHOR ANSWERS. T HATS HOW THE ASSIGNMENT GOES. T HAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO DO.

T HERES NOTHING IN THE ASSIGNMENT ABOUT WRITING A P ERFUNCTORY L ETTER. B UT MAYBE I CAN GET SOME EXTRA CREDIT BECAUSE I DID THAT, TOO.

S O HERE ARE THE QUESTIONS, RIGHT OFF THE BOARD, JUST HOW M RS. B UND WROTE THEM.

1. W HY DO YOU WRITE BOOKS?

2. W HERE DO YOU GET YOUR IDEAS?

3. W HAT GOT YOU STARTED WRITING?

4. Y OUR QUESTION FOR AUTHOR HERE.

P LEASE SEND SOME GOOD AUTHOR ANSWERS OR M RS. B UND WILL GIVE ME ANOTHER C AND THEN MY MOM WILL FREAK OUT AGAIN AND SAY I M NOT APPLYING MYSELF AND MY DAD WILL GROUND ME AND I WILL MISS MY BASEBALL TEAM PLAYOFFS AND HAVE TO DO WHATEVER THEY SAY FOR THE NEXT WEEK.

I M N OT K IDDING,

J OE J ONES

Dear Joe Jones,

No one gets credit for writing Perfunctory Letters. They are an insult to the human spirit. What we humans crave is connection. Perfunctory Letters work counter to that.

But I digress; I digress!

You have posed some questions. And you want some answers, answers that will result in you receiving a grade higher than a C. I dont know if I can help you, Joe, because I dont feel like answering questions. The older you get, the more questions you get asked, and the more weary you become of answering the questions and the more elusive the answersany answer, every answerseem.

What I would like to do is ask a question. I would like to ask you a question. So, lets make a deal, Joe. Ill ask you a question and you answer it. And then, if I feel like it, Ill answer one of your questions. How does that sound?

Heres my first question for you: Are you afraid?

Yours cordially and only somewhat perfunctorily and more than a little curiously,

Maureen OToople

P.S. Im no fool, Joe. Im betting good money that you havent read one single book Ive written. Prove me wrong.

M AUREEN OT OOPLE,

A W, COME ON. I TS BAD ENOUGH I HAVE TO DO THIS LAME ASSIGNMENT. N OW I HAVE TO WRITE EXTRA? I THOUGHT AUTHORS WERE SUPPOSED TO LIKE GETTING LETTERS FROM THEIR KID FANS.

B UT IF I DONT GET THESE ANSWERS, I AM HOSED. T HATS WHAT MY DAD SAYS. H OSED. I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS. L IKE, WHAT DOES A HOSE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? B UT I DO KNOW IT MEANS NO TV, NO COMPUTER TIME, NO BASEBALL, NO COMICS, NO MUSIC, NO PHONE, NO HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIEND J AMES. B ASICALLY IT MEANS NOTHING THAT IS REALLY THE GOOD PART OF LIVING.

W HY WOULD THEY DO THAT TO ME? D O PEOPLE JUST GET MEANER WHEN THEY GET OLDER?

O KAY, HERES MY ANSWER. I AM KIND OF AFRAID OF THUNDERSTORMS. N OT THE RAIN PART. T HAT SOUNDS GREAT ON THE ROOF. I TS THE PART BETWEEN THE FLASH OF LIGHTNING AND THE BAM OF THUNDER. I TS WAITING FOR THE BAM THAT WEIRDS ME OUT. Y OU JUST DONT KNOW WHEN ITS GOING TO HAPPEN.

S O PLEASE SEND ME SOME AUTHOR ANSWERS. A S SOON AS YOU CAN.

R EALLY,

J OE J ONES

P.S. I DIDNT GET A CHANCE TO READ ANY OF YOUR BOOKS YET. I ACTUALLY PICKED YOU MOSTLY TO ANNOY J ENNIFER, BECAUSE SHE IS ALL CRAZY ABOUT YOUR BOOKS AND ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE HORSES OR THE PRINCESSES OR WHATEVER IS IN THEM . I USUALLY ONLY READ HISTORY BOOKS THAT REALLY TELL YOU SOMETHING. A ND BOOKS THAT ARE FUNNY.

Dear Joe,

Thank you for answering my question. I, too, like the sound of the rain on the roof. I also like the lightning. Its like some great cosmic flashlight. It makes me think that someone is searching for me. And I dont mind the BAM of thunder because that makes me think that, perhaps, I have been found. Thats the way a good book makes me feel, as if I have been found, understood, seen.

Oh, Im sneaky, Joe. Right there, in the first paragraph, I have answered your first question. And you know what that means: Now I get to ask you another question. Are you ready?

Whats in your sock drawer besides socks?

Thats the question. Answer it and Ill answer another question of yours. Quid pro quo.

Amusing myself

and delighted to be a part of your lame assignment

I remain,

Maureen

P.S. Whatever is in them is a truly alarming phrase to use in reference to my books. But, as an interesting aside, I am happy to inform you that none of my books (not one) features princesses or horses. Toads, tidal waves, arachnid revolutions, yes. Princesses, no. Horses, no. Do your research, Joe.

P.P.S. Yes. People do get meaner as they get older.

M AUREEN,

H A! Y OU ARE COMPLETELY NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT I HAVE IN MY SOCK DRAWER BESIDES SOCKS: S PIDERS. O R ARACHNIDS, AS THEY ARE SCIENTIFICALLY CALLED. O NE IS A WOLF SPIDER. T HE THREE OTHER ONES ARE JUMPING SPIDERS. I HAVE TO HIDE THEM IN MY SOCK DRAWER SO MY MOM DOESNT MAKE ME THROW THEM OUT.

I TS ALSO A GOOD WAY TO KEEP MY SISTER OUT OF MY SOCK DRAWER. B ECAUSE I ALSO HAVE ROCKS I HAVE COLLECTED FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, A REAL ARROWHEAD I FOUND LAST SUMMER, AND A REAL C IVIL W AR BULLET. I TS CALLED A MINI BALL. A ND NOT BECAUSE IT IS MINI. O R A BALL. I T WAS NAMED AFTER THIS GUY M INI WHO INVENTED THE RIFLE USED A LOT IN THE C IVIL W AR. I T IS MADE OF LEAD.

B UT YOU ARE STILL REALLY MESSING UP THIS ASSIGNMENT. H OW IS THAT AN ANSWER TO QUESTION ONE? A RE YOU SAYING YOU WRITE BOOKS BECAUSE YOU LIKE LIGHTNING AND DONT MIND THUNDER? T HATS WHAT I M WRITING DOWN.

J OE

P.S. S ORRY I WAS ALARMING YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR BOOKS. I WENT AND LOOKED AT THE SPIDER ONE IN THE LIBRARY. T HE FIRST PART OF F ANGS FOR THE D UCHESS IS PRETTY GOOD. M OST PEOPLE DONT KNOW THAT SPIDERS SQUIRT VENOM INTO THEIR PREY THAT DISSOLVES THEIR INNARDS SO THEY CAN SUCK IT DOWN. I M GLAD YOU HAD THAT IN THERE.

B UT THE TITLE IS STILL PRETTY PRINCESS-Y.

Dear Joe,

Arachnids in your sock drawer! Im impressed. Truly. But I must take issue with the notion that I am messing up this assignment. What I am doing is enriching your life. And sometimes, in dark and confusing moments, I think that you might be enriching mine. For instance, I have read quite a bit about the Civil War, but I did not know about this gentleman Mini and his invention of the mini ball. Many young boys, boys almost as young as you, went off to fight in the Civil War. I bet you know that. But just think: That mini ball you have could have hit one of those boys on the battlefield, grazed his check, wounded him, left him scarred. Who was that boy? What was his name? What story would he tell about that piece of lead in your sock drawer?