Lewis Carroll - Alice in Zombieland

IT was the Black Rat, trotting slowly back again, and looking anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something; and she heard it muttering to itself, The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and whiskers! Shell get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where can I have dropped them, I wonder? Alice guessed in a moment that it was looking for the fan and the pair of white kid gloves, and she very good-naturedly began hunting about for them, but they were nowhere to be seeneverything seemed to have changed since her swim in the blood pool, and the great hall, with the glass table and the little door, had vanished completely.

Very soon the Rat noticed Alice, as she went hunting about, and called out to her in an angry tone, Why, Mary Ann, what are you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan! Quick, now! And Alice was so much frightened that she ran off at once in the direction it pointed to, without trying to explain the mistake it had made.

He took me for his housemaid, she said to herself as she ran. How surprised hell be when he finds out who I am! But Id better take him his fan and glovesthat is, if I can find them.

As she said this, she came upon a neat little house, on the door of which was a tarnished and barely readable brass plate with the name B. RAT engraved upon it. She went in without knocking, and hurried upstairs, in great fear lest she should meet the real Mary Ann, and be turned out of the house before she had found the fan and gloves.

How queer it seems, Alice said to herself, to be going messages for a Rat! I suppose Dinahll be sending me on messages next! And she began fancying the sort of thing that would happen: Miss Alice! Come here directly, and get ready for your walk! Coming in a minute, nurse! But Ive got to see that the mouse doesnt get out. Only I dont think, Alice went on, that theyd let Dinah stop in the house if it began ordering people about like that!

By this time she had found her way into a messy little room, filled with odds and bits of gnawed bone and strings of grave hair, rotting flowers, and such, with a table in the window, and on it (as she had hoped) a fan and two or three pairs of tiny white kid gloves: she took up the fan and a pair of the gloves, and was just going to leave the room, when her eye fell upon a little dark bottle that stood near the looking-glass. There was no label this time with the words Drink me , but nevertheless she uncorked it and put it to her lips. It smelled of roasting meat and cold gravy. I know something interesting is sure to happen, she said to herself, whenever I eat or drink anything; so Ill just see what this bottle does. I do hope itll make me grow large again, for really Im quite tired of being such a tiny little thing!

It did so indeed, and much sooner than she had expected: before she had drunk half the bottle, she found her head pressing against the ceiling, and had to stoop to save her neck from being broken. She hastily put down the bottle, saying to herself Thats quite enoughI hope I shant grow any moreAs it is, I cant get out at the doorI do wish I hadnt drunk quite so much!

Alas! it was too late to wish that! She went on growing, and growing, and very soon had to kneel down on the floor: in another minute there was not even room for this, and she tried the effect of lying down with one elbow against the door, and the other arm curled round her head. Her head was smashed into the rotting, gnawed upon bones; wet smelly grave hair tangled up in her fingers and tickled her nose. Still she went on growing, and, as a last resource, she put one arm out of the window, and one foot up the chimney, and said to herself, Now I can do no more, whatever happens. What will become of me?

Luckily for Alice, the little magic bottle had now had its full effect, and she grew no larger: still it was very uncomfortable, and, as there seemed to be no sort of chance of her ever getting out of the room again, no wonder she felt unhappy.

It was much pleasanter at home, thought poor Alice, when one wasnt always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and rats. I almost wish I hadnt gone down into that grave looking for adventureand yetand yetits rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what can have happened to me! When I used to read fairy-tales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a book written about me, that there ought! And when I grow up, Ill write onebut Im grown up now, she added in a sorrowful tone; at least theres no room to grow up any more here .

But then, thought Alice, shall I never get any older than I am now? Thatll be a comfort, one waynever to be an old womannever to have to watch my hands shrivel up like grandmammys and my long hair going dry and gray with agebut thenalways to have lessons to learn! Oh, I shouldnt like that !

Oh, you foolish Alice! she answered herself. How can you learn lessons in here? Why, theres hardly room for you , and no room at all for any lesson-books!

And so she went on, taking first one side and then the other, and making quite a conversation of it altogether; but after a few minutes she heard a voice outside, and stopped to listen.

Mary Ann! Mary Ann! said the voice. Fetch me my gloves this moment! Then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs. Alice knew it was the Rat coming to look for her, and she trembled till she shook the house, quite forgetting that she was now about a thousand times as large as the Rat, and had no reason to be afraid of it.

Presently the Black Rat came up to the door, and tried to open it; but, as the door opened inwards, and Alices elbow was pressed hard against it, that attempt proved a failure. Alice heard it say to itself Then Ill go round and get in at the window.

That you wont thought Alice, and, after waiting till she fancied she heard the Rat just under the window, she suddenly spread out her hand, and made a snatch in the air. She did not get hold of anything, but she heard a little shriek and a fall, and a crash of broken glass, from which she concluded that it was just possible it had fallen into a cucumber-frame, or something of the sort.

Next came an angry voicethe RatsPat! Pat! Where are you? And then a voice she had never heard before. Sure then Im here! Digging for fresh bodies, yer honor! Must have something to eat, dont we, now?

Digging for fresh bodies, indeed! said the Rat angrily. And what would the Queen say to that, do you think? You know the rules! Here! Come and help me out of this ! (Sounds of more broken glass.)

Now tell me, Pat, whats that in the window?

Sure, its an arm, yer honor! (He pronounced it arrum.) A right tasty looking one, too. Not too dead yet. Should make fur a mighty fin meal, yer honor.

An arm, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Good for gnawing or not, it fills the whole window!

Sure, it does, yer honor: but its an arm for all that.

Well, its got no business there, at any rate: go and take it away!

There was a long silence after this, and Alice could only hear whispers now and then; such as, Sure, I dont like it, yer honor, at all, at all! Do as I tell you, you coward! and at last she spread out her hand again, and made another snatch in the air. Eat my arm, indeed, she thought testily. This time there were two little shrieks, and more sounds of broken glass. What a number of cucumber-frames there must be! thought Alice. I wonder what theyll do next! As for pulling me out of the window, I only wish they could ! Im sure I dont want to stay in here any longer!