Adele Parks - Love Lies

PENGUIN BOOKS

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First published 2009

Copyright Adele Parks, 2009

The moral right of the author has been asserted

All rights reserved

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book

ISBN: 978-0-14-193122-7

Dedicated with much love to

Tracy Bradbery

A woman who thoroughly understands an
unsuitable crush

Do I smell, Mark?

No.

Youd tell me if I did, right?

I would.

Is my hairline receding?

No.

Youre sure Im not going bald?

Yes.

Do you think Ill lose my teeth?

Only if someone punches you.

My nan got gum disease.

Weve got great dentists. Scott, you are coming down and this is just another one of your irrational worry sessions. We can waste a lot of time doing this, mate.

Mark, do you think Ill end up broke? You know, blow it all.

No, weve sorted out your finances. Youre never going to suffer from poverty other than poverty of spirit. No matter how many TVs you throw out of hotel windows.

I have taken a bullet. I live an ordinary life. Ive almost accepted it. Almost.

I ought to clarify I dont always go around thinking big, profound thoughts like that. Quite a lot of the time I amuse my brain cells by thinking about which movie star is shagging which other movie star (and do they have better sex than us mere mortals), or whether I can get away with not washing my hair if Im inventive enough with my up-do (thus securing an extra thirty minutes in bed in the morning). My idea of deep is wondering whether organic food is worth the huge price tag or whether its all just a ghastly marketing con. But today I am twenty-nine years, eleven months and three weeks old. I can no longer keep the big thoughts at bay.

Let me clarify, when I say ordinary, I mean normal, average, run of the mill, commonplace. Mundane. Clear?

I know, I know. I should be grateful. Ordinary has its up-side. I could be some human mutant with skin stretchy enough to be able to wrap my lower lip over the top of my head, or an ber-fertile woman prone to giving birth to sextuplets and now be a proud mother of thirty-six indistinguishable, media-loving brats or someone who really does train-spot. Then my life would be considerably worse than the one I am leading, but even knowing this is not as much comfort as it should be.

I live my ordinary life with Adam. My boyfriend of four years. I hesitate to refer to him as my partner because that would suggest some sort of equality or responsibility in the relationship and, frankly, both things are notably lacking. I organize the paying of all the bills (although he does cough up his share when prompted). I buy groceries, cook, clean, remember the birthdays of his family members, buy wedding gifts for our friends, arrange travel and accommodation if we ever do manage to grab a weekend away, I even put the pizza delivery peoples number on speed dial. Adam alphabetically arranges his CDs and vinyls in neat rows, all the way along our sitting-room shelves.

Yes, we do share a flat. A two-bedroom flat in Clapham. Not the posh bit of Clapham, sadly. The bit where the neighbours think old pee-stained mattresses and settees, spurting their cheap foam innards, are acceptable alternatives to rose bushes in the front garden. Despite sharing a flat, I also hesitate to refer to Adam as my live-in lover because that would suggest an element of passion and thats notably lacking too, of late. Our relationship is more prose than poetry. It wasnt always that way.

We used to be wild about each other. We used to swing from chandeliers, or as good as. There was a time when we couldnt keep our hands off one another. Which led to some, er, shall we say interesting situations. Im not trying to brag. I just want to paint a fair picture. We are certified members of the mile-high club and we have made love under canvas, in a swimming-pool and once in a botanic garden (Kew). We made love frequently and in many, many different ways; slowly and carefully, fast and needy. In the past we often came at the same time. Now, its unusual if we both are in the room at the same time.

I used to think we were going somewhere. It looks like weve arrived. This is my stop. I have to get off the train and take a long hard look at the station. Its not one with hanging baskets full of cascading begonia and there isnt one of those lovely large clocks with Roman numerals. Theres nothing romantic or pretty about my station at all. My station is littered with discarded polystyrene cups and spotted with blobs of chewing-gum.

Frankly, its depressing.

We dont own our flat. We dont even have an exclusive flat-share. My best friend, Jess, also rents with us. Normally, I acknowledge that this is no bad thing. She is (largely) single and so we are each others on-tap company on those nights when she doesnt have a date and Adam is at work.

Adam is in the music business. Dont get excited. Hes not a rock star, or a manager, or producer, or anything remotely glamorous and promising. Hes a rigger; which, if Ive understood things correctly, is one step up from the coach driver on a tour but not as important as the people who work in catering. He freelances, and while he must be quite good at his job (offers of employment are regular) its clear hes never going to be a millionaire. For that matter, hes never going to have so much as a savings account.

This didnt used to bother me. Im a florist and work in someone elses shop: Bens Bunches and Bouquets or Bens B&B for short. Ben, who is as camp as a glow-in-the-dark feather duster, is an absolute angel of a boss but I only earn a modest wage. Jess works in a bookshop and, after thirteen years service, she has just reached the dizzy heights of store manager. Were not the type of people to be motivated by money (one of my other great friends, Lisa, is married to a City lawyer and hes rich but we think hes nice despite that). I dont resent Adams lack of cash. I resent his lack of oh, whats the word?

Commitment.

His inability to grow up. To move on. It is Adam who has jammed our brakes at the ordinary station because hes a settler. He lacks ambition. When challenged, he says hes content and throws me a look of bewilderment thats vaguely critical. He thinks Im unreasonable because I yearn for more than a tiny two-bedroom flat-share (all we can afford despite working endless, incompatible hours). I long for something more than Monday to Wednesday evenings in front of the TV, Thursday nights at the supermarket, Friday and Saturday nights at the local and Sundays (our one day a week off together) sleeping off a hangover.