Joseph Nowinski - Hard to Love: Understanding and Overcoming Male Borderline Personality Disorder

Special Praise for Hard to Love

I cant wait to give Hard to Love to both male and female clients involved in difficult relationships! Nowinski adroitly and sensitively integrates theory, clinical examples, and pragmatic strategies for both therapists and clients in this well-organized and engagingly written book. His sensitivity to gender issues and an under-recognized clientele is a huge contribution to the field of mental health.

Barbara F. Okun, PhD

Professor, Northeastern University

In Hard to Love, Dr. Nowinski explains a complex issue affecting men in a way that is at once easy to understand, interesting to read, and even, at times, entertaining. This book encourages men to be honest about themselves while simultaneously offering hope and help not only to the men, themselves, but to the people who love them.

Kristine Tsetsi

Journalist and Author of Pretty Much True

Dr. Nowinskis knack for making complex clinical concepts clear comes through in his new book, Hard to Love. He remains a master of interweaving vignettes and cases to illustrate the clinical conditions that fly below the radar of many clinicians. His stories inject life into the textbook criteria and give the reader a new perspective on the subject. As with breast cancer in men and heart disease in women, many men with borderline personality suffer needlessly due to misdiagnoses. Whats more, Dr. Nowinski reminds us that persons with borderline personality dont suffer alone. Everyone around a person with borderline personality disorder seems to suffer, and they will continue to suffer until someone identifies the core problem.

Thank you, Dr. Nowinski, for a fresh perspective that will resonate with clinicians and people from all walks of life. Yes, men with borderline personality are difficult to love, but they are not impossible to love. I find it difficult not to love this book and nearly impossible to put down once you pick it up!

Robert Doyle, MA, DDS, MD

Assistant Medical Director,

McLean Child and Adolescent Inpatient Unit

Harvard Medical School

Co-author with Joseph Nowinski of Almost Alcoholic

HARD TO LOVE

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2014 by Joseph Nowinski

All rights reserved. Published 2014.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

Publisher: Central Recovery Press

3321 N. Buffalo Drive

Las Vegas, NV 89129

19 18 17 16 15 14 1 2 3 4 5

ISBN: 978-1-937612-58-0 (e-book)

This book contains general information about male borderline personality disorder. The information is not medical advice, and should not be treated as such. Central Recovery Press makes no representations or warranties in relation to the medical information in this book; this book is not an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider. If you have any specific questions about any medical matter you should consult your doctor or other professional healthcare provider. If you think you or someone close to you may be suffering from any medical condition, you should seek immediate medical attention. You should never delay seeking medical advice, disregard medical advice, or discontinue medical treatment because of information in this or any book.

Central Recovery Press books represent the experiences of their authors only. Every effort has been made to ensure that events, institutions, and statistics presented in our books as facts are accurate and up-to-date.

To protect their privacy, the names of some of the people, places, and institutions in this book have been changed.

Cover design and interior design and layout by Sara Streifel, Think Creative Design.

For Gregory and Rebecca

with love

AUTHORS NOTE: The term borderline disorder was coined by psychiatrist Adolph Stern in 1938 to describe a group of symptoms that did not fall into either category of mental illness used at that time: neurosis or psychosis. Stern thought the symptoms exhibited by certain patients fell into the border between the two categories. The term borderline grew in usage among psychiatrists and psychoanalysts, until, in time, they began to consider the Borderline Disorder as a mood (or affective) disorder, rather than a type of schizophrenia (a thought disorder).

Today, the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) refers to people who have a negative self-image and who have a pattern of difficulty sustaining relationships. As a result they can have difficulty controlling their emotions and can be self-destructive. BPD can vary from mild to severe.

In this text, I refer to MBPD, or Male Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as simply BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The two terms refer to the same constellation of causes, symptoms, and behaviors. However, while BPD is often accurately diagnosed and treated in women, the correct diagnosis, as well as appropriate treatment, is too frequently overlooked in men. That is what this book aims to address.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Creating and maintaining a long-lasting intimate relationship is no easy task, and poses challenges for most of us. Even for those who were blessed with ample supplies of love, attention, security, etc. from their childhood caregivers, having a healthy and happy intimate bond requires tremendous fortitude and perseverance, plus a commitment to conscious and deliberate self-awareness.

No doubt, for those who did not receive adequate supplies of the necessary ingredients early on in life, the challenge can be daunting. Imagine how hard it would be if you not only didnt get many of the goodies, but you also received a bunch of the baddies, that is, neglect, abandonment, or abuse? Definitely not an easy task. Plus, to make matters even more difficult, many males are taught that they need to be as tough as nails and dontnor should theyneed the soft and feminine forms of nurturance that are reserved for a few lucky ones, girls.

For years, the field of psychology has been heavily saturated with attention and focus on women and the well-being of their relationships, particularly in terms of how to make their intimate bonds strong and healthy, as if the male genders situation didnt matter. Tons of attention went toward understanding and diagnosing insecure and emotionally unstable women, both through the world of professional counseling and in the world of self-help. However, the male gender was seriously short-changed.

Well, men, too, can suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity, and enormous self-doubt that can result in serious emotional instability. It can reach the extreme wherein these states define all of a mans behavior and ultimately compromise the stability of his intimate relationships. And, sadly, because weve tended to stereotype men as the tough ones, we have often missed the boat on understanding and appreciating the complexity of a mans inner world. Hence, we havent even begun to provide guidance for men and their loved ones on how to help them overcome their experiences of deep pain from fear of abandonment and rejection, which underlie these insecurities. This is not a condition where you can tell a guy to take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Rather, this condition, known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), requires serious attention and an in-depth method of treatment. Plus, since many men still experience a negative stigma when it comes to seeking help for emotional issues, they are prone to deny their issues and often fail to seek or accept help. So what are these men and those who love them to do?