Jillian Venters - Gothic charm school: an essential guide for goths and those who love them

The Lady of the Manners has heard this complaint time and time again from her fellow Goths: Why should I put so much effort into being polite to people who arent going to be considerate to me? The Lady of the Manners certainly understands the complaint, because it can be very disheartening and dispiriting (and other dismal-sounding words) to be as polite toward strangers as possible and have those strangers respond not in kind, but with rudeness, boorish behavior, and even sometimes with threats and violence. Wouldnt it be better if we gloomily romantic and darkly garbed folk all adopted a shield of preemptive scorn and hostility?

No . No, it wouldnt be better. Because those rude and boorish strangers would take our scorn and hostility as an open invitation to behave in even worse ways toward us than they do now. Because such behavior would feed the suspicion and fear with which many people regard Goths. Because more parents would regard their fledgling Goth children with extra worry and concern. Because even more people would be skeptical about whether Goths can be good employees or people to be trusted.

Yes, the Lady of the Manners is well aware that all sorts of people are openly rude and hostile to everyone they meet, and they seem to do just fine. But the Lady of the Manners really does believe that no matter how well those sorts of people seem to be doing, they probably would do even better if they werent, well, jerks. Polite kindness isnt weakness, no matter what some people think.

Theres an added benefit to being a Goth and having good manners: its actually more shocking to some people than the Booooo! Im so spooky and scary! freak show antics they expect from Goths. Looking like youve just come from a gathering with a particularly sinister dress code and being gracious and polite messes with some peoples heads far more effectively than anything else you might be able to think up.

Does this mean that when people yell, Nice costume! or, Halloween is over, freak! at you, you should quash your annoyance and ignore them? Sometimes, yes, you should. But sometimes you could smile widely and, in your friendliest and politest tone, respond with, Oh, I dress this way all the time! What are you in costume as? or, It isnt Halloween? Oh, I must have forgotten to change the calendar! or, Oh my God! I was wearing jeans and a T-shirt when I left the house! What happened to me?! The Lady of the Manners has occasionally indulged herself in such responses, not that they made a bit of difference to the cretin who started the confrontation. You see, Snarklings, there are many times when trying to change peoples perceptions isnt worth the effort. The best way to make your displeasure clear is to simply ignore them. Offer a quick icy glance, and then act as if the rude person doesnt exist.

(Mind you, if it looks like the situation is going to escalate into an attack, do not ignore the taunts. Instead, get away as quickly as possible and call the police. The Lady of the Manners does not want anyone to be injured in the name of being polite, and she is sadly aware that some people do react with violence to things they dont like or understand.)

The Lady of the Manners isnt asking you to hold hands and have a joyful sing-along with everyone you meet. Nor is she asking you to be outgoing and friendly toward every person who ever asks you questions about your gothy tendencies. The Lady of the Manners is asking that you dont automatically glower, snarl, or retreat behind a wall of sarcastic commentary. Thats all. Really, its a pretty simple idea.

So who is this Lady of the Manners person, and why is she lecturing and haranguinger, offering gothy and non-gothy people advice? Here, let the Lady of the Manners dispense with the third-person frivolity and affectation for a few paragraphs and introduce herself.

Hi, Im Jillian. Ive been drawn to the gloom-shrouded and spooky side of life for as long as I can remember. Am I claiming to always have been a Goth? No, not at all. But Ive always been interested in dark, opulent clothing, in otherworldly stories, in the supernatural and terror, and in looking at the world around me in a different way. I just didnt know there was a subculture that embraced and enveloped all those things (and more) until my early twenties. When I discovered that there were other people like me, that there was a whole movement I could gleefully plunder for more interests, activities, and socializing, I joyfully joined the darkling throng and havent looked back.

Well, perhaps joyfully isnt quite the right word. You see, while I did meet other black-clad eccentrics who accepted me, I also ran into a lot of people who wereless than friendly. Impolite, you might say. Some were other Goths, who were seemingly determined to be surly toward everyone while simultaneously carrying a coffin-sized chip on their shoulders about the non-Goth jerks who treated them badly. They somehow felt that they were going to be sneered at or regarded with fear and loathing, and that armoring themselves with a thick coating of sarcasm, resentment, and disdainful looks was the only way to go. Other impolite souls were non-Goths who were everything the surly and rude Goths feared. They were the ones making sarcastic comments meant to be overheard, jeering at me and my spooky friends. They were the people who drew back from us in fear because they just knew that Goths were all creepy freaks who were going to attack them or cast evil spells on them. They were the people who assumed we were going to be rude and unkind to themall of these assumptions because my friends and I chose to express ourselves through our appearance and to talk openly about the things that interested us.

The rudeness and bad behavior on both sides of the shadowy divide bugged me. I was raised to believe that you should treat people the way you wanted to be treated, and that the way a person looks shouldnt matter. In addition to those beliefs, I somehow ended up being one of those people others turn to for advice. Then, one fateful day, an acquaintance who was putting together a Goth webzine mentioned that he wanted to include some nonfiction content, and asked me if there was anything I might want to contribute. I thought about it and said, Ooh, how about a gothy advice column? Good manners for Goths, why you shouldnt dress like the Crow, or how, if youre going to wear whiteface, you should make sure you apply it on your damn ears and neckstuff like that? My friend thought my idea sounded great, and thus I found myself giving my e-mail address and advice to complete strangers. That was over a decade ago. As the years have passed, Ive found myself addressing certain topics over and over: reassuring parents that having a child with gothy tendencies isnt a bad thing, giving advice to other Goths about how to deal with parents or coworkers who are unsure about how to act around darkly dressed creatures, how to deal with the slings and arrows that constantly seem to be flung at Goths, all while watching the Goth subculture creep out from the shadows and attract more attention from the mainstream media and normal folks. And the more prominent and well-recognized Goth becomes, the bigger the chances that misunderstandings and just flat-out wrong information will be taken as the absolute gospel truth about our subculture.