Christopher Koelle - Bike Snob: Systematically & Mercilessly Realigning the World of Cycling

As humans, weve invented a lot of things. Most of these inventions are stupid and pointless (the Pet Rock; Count Chocula cereal; abstinence as a form of birth control). A lot of them are fun (video games; board games; head games). Some of them are convenient and make our lives easier (cheese graters; beer widgets; toilet brushes). And, every so often, a Truly Great Invention comes along that changes our culture and the very way we live on this planet (irrigation; the printing press; beer).

Of all the Truly Great Inventions, which one is the greatest? Well, theres no way to tell, as its all really just a matter of opinion. But we can narrow it down. Theres a simple litmus test you can use to tell a Truly Great Invention from a regular invention. And that litmus test is the Amish.

The Amish have been keeping it real longer than almost any other group of people in America, and theyve done so by shunning frivolous modern conveniences. Just a few of the things the Amish refuse to use include:

electricity

zippers

telephones

automobiles

computers

speedboats

Nautilus equipment

plastic surgery

and Ludacris albums.

It might seem crazy to live a life without these things, but if you really think about it you can do without all of them. People managed for millennia without electricity, and they were just fine (apart from all the darkness and cholera). Also, zippers are just dangerous buttons, telephones are satanic devices for spreading gossip that vibrate seductively in your pocket (anything that vibrates is evil), automobiles are simply buggies that are too stupid to avoid collisions themselves if the driver falls asleep, and the rest of the items on that list are just things people use to try to get other people to have sex with them outside of wedlock. Do you really need to spend your days flexing your Nautilus-toned arms while you make gratuitous cell phone calls to your friends from the bow of your speedboat? Does that somehow make you a better person? I dont think so.

Furthermore, the Amish dont avoid all aspects of modern life. They just avoid the ones they feel are damaging to the soul. They will take advantage of the stuff thats truly great and useful and that isnt just a tool for preening, vanity, or looking at pornography. Some of these things include:

regular surgery of the non-plastic variety

medicine

refrigeration (kerosene-powered, not electric-powered)

and bicycles.

Thats right, Amish people will ride bicycles. They might not post lengthy ride reports and photographs of their bicycles to their blogs (Amish blogs are called sermons), they might not stop at an espresso bar and sip caffeine from tiny cups while they ogle women in short skirts like the Italians do, and they certainly dont zip on any skintight Lycra clothing. But they will throw a leg over the saddle and pedal their retro-grouchy asses down to the market for some cheese. And to me, this says a lot. It says the Amish arent totally crazy. It says maybe theres some money to be made by growing a beard, infiltrating the Amish community Harrison Fordstyle, and opening Ye Olde Bike Shoppe. But most importantly, it says the bicycle is a Truly Great Invention.

And indeed it is. The Amish can resist Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, pornography, ice-cold margaritas on tropical beaches, designer drugs, fast cars (actually, all cars), thong underwear, American Idol, Amazon.com, and sneakers. But they cant resist the bicycle. This is because the bicycle is a Truly Great Invention.

A bicycle is a Truly Great Invention because it is part of the entire range of human existence, from frivolity to necessity. A bicycle, if understood correctly and used to its full potential, is actually a key to a completely different, and in many ways more rewarding, way of life. Sure, there are limits to the ways in which you can use a bicycle, but those limits are surprisingly few. A bicycle can give you the feeling of freedom and speed you get from riding a motorcycle, the sense of well-being and peace you get from meditating, the health benefits you get from an afternoon in the gym, the sense of self-expression you get from learning to play guitar, and the feeling of victory you get from completing a marathon. Its an invention that was in many ways ahead of its time, and whose time has finally come.

Like a computer, or a guitar, or a motorcycle, a bicycle is also an invention you can misuse through ignorance. You can miss out on its full potential (think using a computer only for playing solitaire and looking at porn. I mean, you can do both those things, but you should do other stuff too). You can annoy others and look like a complete idiot (think the guy with a Fender and a Marshall stack who has no idea how to play). And, of course, you can die (everything you can do on a motorcycle you can also do on a bicycle, including kill yourself).

In the coming chapters, I will explore all of these thingsincluding the porn. So turn off the TV, stop fiddling nervously with your zipper, tell your friend whos calling you from the speedboat that youll call back later, and enjoy one Truly Great Invention through that lesser but still occasionally handy inventionthe written word.

When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race.

H.G. Wells

The bicycle is one of those simple inventions that seems like its been around since the dark ages. After all, its entirely mechanical and doesnt really require anything especially modern, such as electricity or internal combustion. So youd think that sometime back in the 1600s someone might have looked at a horse and thought, Hey, we should make one of those, but with wheels! But that didnt happen until 1818, when Baron Karl von Drais of Germany patented the Laufmaschine, which was also known as the dandy horse. Basically, this was a vehicle with two wheels that you straddled and then propelled by pushing yourself along with your feet Fred Flintstonestyle. But even though it had two in-line wheels and was a precursor to the bicycle, it was really mostly just a rolling crotch-crutch and it went out of style fairly quickly for a number of reasons, chief among them being that it lacked pedals and it was stupid.

After that, there came a series of Victorian contraptions with pedals and wheels in various configurations, and these were generally called velocipedes. Eventually, in the late 1860s in France, one velocipede got the configuration almost right. Unfortunately, it was also made of iron with wooden wheels and was punishing to ride, which is why it was referred to as the boneshaker. Still, it had two wheels of more or less equal size, as well as pedals, which meant you werent essentially just running with a pair of wheels under your groin like you were with the dandy horse. But the boneshaker had its own problems. Apart from the torturous ride quality (Im sure today the boneshaker would have been called the ballbreaker), the boneshaker lacked a chain drive. Instead, the pedals and cranks were attached directly to the front wheel. This is called a direct drive, and youre undoubtedly familiar with it as its still used for high tech vehicles such as tricycles and Big Wheels. And while the upside is that you cant really get your pant leg caught in a direct drive like you can in a chain drive, the big problem with the direct drive is that you cant change cogs in order to increase the top speed of the bicycle. All you can do is increase the diameter of the wheel itself.