Division of Labor - Stop Tweeting Boring Sh*t: The New Rules of Work

Copyright 2013 by Josh Denberg and Paul Hirsch.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

The Library of Congress has previously cataloged this title under ISBN 978-1-4521-1825-3

ISBN 978-1-4521-2970-9

Book design by Neil Egan

Additional design and typesetting by Liam Flanagan and Daniel Triassi

Original posters designed by Division of Labor

Additional posters designed by Neil Egan

Chronicle Books LLC

680 Second Street

San Francisco, California 94107

www.chroniclebooks.com

OR,

NOTHING YOU LEARNED IN COLLEGE WILL HELP YOU HERE, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY BACK YOUR STUDENT LOANS.

The typical office is undergoing dramatic changes as employees embrace new technology and find more ways to waste time and avoid responsibility. Startups run by socially awkward twenty-year-olds with more money than the state of Rhode Island are also contributing to the disruption of the modern workplace. This guide is here to help you navigate the new office politics that sometimes feel more like high school than the engines of our economy.

For those of you starting a new job, you will still receive a cumbersome three-ring binder from the Human Resources department outlining the rules and guidelines of your new workplace. But all of it was written by lawyers who are protecting the company in the event that you slip on the kitchen floor and hit your head while microwaving oatmeal or in case you get felt-up in the parking garage by a guy wearing driving gloves and a beret.

Please be advised, the rules in the three-ring binder arent your guide to happiness on the job and they wont help you get ahead in this world. Though they might help you find the phone number for your 401k administrator or the details of your dental plan. The contents of this book, on the other hand, can be quite helpful. And if you adopt some of the thoughts as your own and make it seem like you came up with them, people will think youre funny and might want to have drinks with you and then have sex with you.

Throughout this book youll find facts, insights and random observations that seem to ring true. And we believe this because a lot of people have come up to us and said, Oh my god, that is so funny! And so true! Weve broken this book into chapters because thats what you do when you write a book. We also broke it into chapters because the folks at Chronicle Books said it needed to be longer than we originally wrote it. We also bumped up the point size of the letters which is something youve probably done before, like, in college when the professor said the paper had to be twenty pages and you only had seventeen.

Some of the rules contained in this book are less like rules and more like guidelines. And depending on what you do for a living and whether or not you wear pleated slacks, you may find them funny or you may find them not funny at all. If its the latter, please give this book as a gift to your children.

That should be enough of an introduction for you to get an idea of whats coming. If youre still expecting some kind of self-help book that will give you real rules and guidance for your job, let us be clear: this book will not.

Workers should avoid direct confrontation with coworkers and should instead compose long rambling diatribes ending with lots of exclamation points, sent out late at night, signifying long hours of dedication and/or alcohol-induced insomnia.

Employees who never make decisions cannot be held accountable for matters delegated. You may continue to quietly pass judgment on others while washing your hands of anything that doesnt work out for the best.

Workers should take note from startup founders who better resemble homeless men than captains of industry: Those dressed like theyre going to rob a liquor store may actually be your venture capital money.

Before engaging in sexual activity with a coworker, employees should consider whether a fling with a hot twenty-four-year-old sporting a tribal tattoo is worth losing the house and kids over.

Employees who believe that money cannot buy happiness are invited to donate their paycheck to the charity of their choice or just forgo it altogether. Venture capital from Andreessen Horowitz, Sequoia Capital, Greylock Partners, or Google Ventures not only buys happiness, it buys office space, computers, those cool Aeron chairs, and employees to code and get you coffee. And if youve ever seen your company bottom line go from zero to 5 million while sitting in a new Aeron chair and having someone bring you coffee, youve most likely, been smiling.

OR,

HOW SPELLCHECK HAS BEEN SAVING YOUR ASS FOR YEARS.

The only spot in the workplace that technology hasnt invaded yet is the microwave. No one has invented a technology that can prevent your idiot coworkers from burning the goddamn popcorn and making the entire office smell like feline sweat mixed with vinegar and motor oil.

Burnt popcorn smell is horrible. And it would really be great if there was an app or platform or a few lines of code that could solve this little problem.