Zayn Malik - Zayn - The Official Autobiography

One Direction changed the course of my life. Im a mixed-race, Muslim musician from Bradford. And by a stroke of fate or luck, or whatever name you want to label it, I was blessed to spend five years in a band that had a hundred number-one records, 100 million album sales, and gigs playing to around 10 million fans. One Direction was my bridge from being a crazy, lazy teenager with a creative passion to embarking on an insane adventure in a world I never thought Id know. My name is Zayn Malik and this is my story.

'I feel like there has been a lot said about me and why I left One Direction.'

Its kind of surreal when you spend five years identified with such a successful band to then have the freedom to make choices on your own. From the moment I left One Direction, everything changed. Suddenly, I was on my own, which was something I hadnt been for all those years. I spent a few months recording sessions with some people I knew and had worked with in the past. I met with some producers who I thought might be able to help me create the songs Id had in my head since I was seventeen. But, to be honest, I had no idea what I was doing. Id been writing my own stuff while I was in the band, it wasnt a new thing, but I had to work out what I wanted to show people, what I wanted to say. Every lyric has to mean something to me, and its been a long process to find a way to make the most of all my insane opportunities, to take the positives and try to let go of the negatives and to finally bring something out that genuinely reflects me.

I feel like there has been a lot said about me and why I left One Direction. At times its been difficult to get across what was going on in my head at that point in my life. I guess thats why Im writing this now. Not because I think Im so great, or because the whole world needs to know about Zayn Malik, but so that, if youre at all interested, you can understand a bit better why I did the things I did and where Im at now. The fans deserve answers, so Im going to try and give them. If you know anything at all about me, other than that Im that one who left 1D, you probably know that Im not usually one for talking. Interviews have never exactly been a talent of mine, and I tend to keep things quite private. But Im going to show you as much as I can so that you can judge me on my own terms, not on what the press or anyone else says.

You might think that leaving the band was this time of massive excitement for me, because I was finally free to do what I wanted, but, if Im straight with you, it didnt feel that way. To tell the truth, I was pretty lost. I definitely knew I wanted to make my own music that was the only path for me but I felt like I was adrift. Everything that I knew of the industry the boys, the crew, management, legal that all went the day I left the band. I take responsibility for leaving, of course, but it was still massively disorientating. All of a sudden, it was just me and my thoughts, and that was fucking terrifying. I would spend long hours on my own, just trying to process what the hell I was going to do next. Looking back on it, I think I needed that time, that introspection that comes when everything youve known for nearly half a decade falls away. Eventually, I realized I needed representation. I got lucky when my PA introduced me to a new management company run by a whole team of women. I was raised mostly by women, so this felt good. I had support again, and support I could trust. They understood what I wanted to do, the music that I wanted to make, and I knew instinctively that they were the right people to help me.

One Direction made great pop, theres no denying that. But its no secret that that kind of pop music really isnt my thing and towards the end of my time in the band, I was becoming more and more desperate to express my own style and write lyrics about stuff that I really believed in, rather than the melodies and beats that were being made for us in One Direction. What youve got to understand is that none of us really had much say in the music. At least, not at the start. If I suggested singing a line or a hook in a more R&B way, that would get smoothed out into a more poppy approach, because that was the music that was expected of us. Even as we matured and the other lads began to develop their sound a bit more, I found that it wasnt in sync with my own. I stuck it out because the support and all the positive responses we were getting from our fans around the world were incredible, and I respected that it was working for my band mates. To be honest, though, it was a struggle for me, the fact that we didnt share the same musical taste. It felt a bit like being forced into a mould I would never fit. I wanted to be in the studio singing lyrics that resonated with me, not just repeating someone elses lines.

As a band we toured the world many times over. Thats a lot of time spent on tour buses and planes, and thats when Id get creative. There were long hours in between shows when Id lock myself away and just write and write on my own. Whenever I saw a window to write Id grab it, even if it meant working really late into the night and even if I knew it wasnt material that we would end up using as a band. Its important to say, though, that this wasnt part of some big master plan to break away and go solo. I wasnt thinking about a solo career, I was just being expressive in my own style and using the downtime we had to do what I love doing most. In hindsight, what I realize now is that being in One Direction gave me the opportunity to understand what it was that I needed to do - and that was to find my own sound. It was only towards the very end of my life with the band that I actually started visiting studios by myself, just to mess about and experiment. It felt important to be more in control of my time, doing less of what other people had decided was right for me, or for them, and more of what I felt was right.