Kimberly J Benoit - Weve All Done It: Getting Real About the Role We Each Play in a Toxic Workplace

2023 Kimberly J. Benoit

All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwisewithout prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.

First edition 2023

www.kimberlyjbenoit.com

kb@kimberlyjbenoit.com

ISBN: 979-8-9871320-0-5 (eBook)

ISBN: 979-8-9871320-1-2 (paperback)

ISBN: 979-8-9871320-2-9 (hardcover)

Printed in the United States of America

Editor: Jodi Brandon

Cover and Book Design: Melissa Williams Design

Photograph: Karen Moreau

Kims Non-Legal Disclaimer

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
that mediocrity can pay to greatness.

~Oscar Wilde

This book is intended to take you on a self-reflective professional journey. Together, we will create self-awareness of our own toxic leadership tendencies. There are no solutions in this book, as we cant focus on what to do until we fully understand what has been and is today. Also, solutions are personal and must take into account all of our unique circumstances (e.g., race, gender identity, role, company culture, etc.). Before we get to a development plan, we really need to understand how we have showed and are showing up for our teams. This book is that first step.

The scenarios presented in this book are a compilation of personal experiences, professional observations, and insights by myself, my peers, and clients Ive worked with. Throughout my more than 20 years of corporate life, leadership, and coaching, I have distilled several common themes into seven scenarios. The characters and situations presented within these scenarios are a combination of people and experiences. No scenario is based off a single person or event.

If you see yourself in some way within these pages and scenarios, congratulations! Youre in great company. I dont know a single person (regardless of race, gender, industry, etc.) who hasnt experienced at least one aspect of one of the scenarios in this book. If youre a leader, you have either experienced or witnessed many of these. If youre a new leader and this seems a bit foreign, hold on. You will. Its almost a guarantee.

I want to reiterate that you might feel strong emotions throughout the upcoming pages. The beta readers of this book sure did and asked me to include a special warning for you. The pages in this book will remind you of times when you have taken actions you are not proud of or when you were the recipient of less-than-stellar leadership. They will stir very strong emotions in you.

I hope that when you recognize yourself in these pages you will use it as an opportunity to reflect on the situation you were in, your role in that situation, and how you grew from it. Maybe even reflect on what you would do differently in the same situation now.

Just to make you feel better, I remind you that Im in this book too. In almost every scenario, there is some aspect of my lived experience mixed in with others. As unique as we all are, we all live through similar experiences. I hope this provides an opportunity for you to see yourself and be proud of who you arebut also to see that we all have more learning and growing to do.

To Karoma & Sarah

Contents

Gratitude
Praise You Like I Should

Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

~Marcel Proust

To everyone whose eyes lit up when I talked about this idea for a book. To all of those who openly shared stories to ensure the book captured real and relatable experiences. Your courage and vulnerability are inspiring and have made this journey worth it.

To those who have worked with me, worked for me, or (God bless you) led meThank you for pushing me and helping me to be a better leader and person. It wasnt always pretty but hopefully its been worth it.

To Elizabeth Gilbert Big Magic is why this book was written. Thank you for the continued inspiration.

To my beta readers, Michelle Argyle, and Jodi BrandonYour dedication, insights, and encouragement have meant everything.

To Jacq and the MOFO familyThank you for helping me believe that I could do this and for helping to see myself as a writer.

To Nancy, Allyson, Rochelle, Kristen, and the BearsThank you for challenging me to not play small. For seeing more in me than I could see in myself. Most importantly, for providing a supportive, yet constant drumbeat to be my best self.

To my family by choice (Erin, Jaime, Kevin, Diane, Amy, Susan, Heather, Ashleigh, Lora, Julia, and many more)Thank you for your unending support and, more importantly, the reality checks. You keep me grounded and keep me going. Never enough words to say thank you.

To the family that is stuck with meYou have seen me through all of the timesgood, bad, and ugly. Thank you for continuing to show up and support me no matter how crazy the idea.

Introduction

You cant change who youve been. Its never too late to choose who you want to become.

~ Adam Grant

How This All Began

As with any great story, it all began over drinks with a friend. More like a bitch session, if you will. We were talking about a leader we both knew who we liked personally but would never work for. In essence, they were a sweet person but an absolute doormat of a leader. They hated confrontation and had issues with turnover because poor performers were never really held accountable. Drama was the culture on that team despite the leaders best efforts. As much as we liked them personally, they were a bit toxic. We even said, I bet they dont even know how toxic they are.

After another glass of wine and some appetizers, a thought occurred to me. I wondered how many of my current and former employees would describe me as toxic. It took less than a millisecond for a persons face to appear in my mind. She was an average-at-best employee who thought she was exceptional and demanded privileges and rewards far beyond what she deserved. She thought I was unfair and biased for not seeing her brilliance. From her perspective, I was a terrible leader.

Upon reflection, I felt confident that, despite what this person thought, I did the right things and I showed up as the best leader I could with the leadership experience I had. The reason she hated me is because I held her accountable when her performance was subpar. I didnt allow her to slide and, to her, I was mean and vindictive. Could I have handled things differently? I can say with the experience I have now that, yes, I would likely do a few things differently. Would that change how this person feels about me and that situation? Possibly, but I am guessing not. Clearly, perspective matters.

All of this got me thinking and asking myself all kinds of questions:

• Do leaders know when theyre being toxic?
• Do I know when Im being toxic?
• What makes a leader truly toxic versus a leader who just screwed up?
• Can toxic leaders change?

Then I started really thinking about myself. When have I been a legitimately toxic leader or done things that could feel toxic to others? In those less-than-stellar moments, what would I go back and change now that I have awareness and know more? Are there triggers that could lead me to engage in toxic leadership behaviors again?