Michelle Witte - The Craptastic Guide to Pseudo-Swearing

The Craptastic
Guide to

PSEUDO-SWEARING

Michelle Witte

2012 by Michelle Witte
Published by Running Press,
A Member of the Perseus Books Group

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2011939185

E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-4509-7

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

Designed by Jason Kayser
Edited by Cindy De La Hoz
Typography: Encorpada, Futura, and Palatino

Running Press Book Publishers
2300 Chestnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371

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Cover photo: iStockphoto.com /Andrejs Pidjass

Dedication

You know who you are. ::wink::

Table of Contents

Dropping a turn-the-air-blue streak of curses can make even the worst situations seem better, but sometimes a fudge! or sugar! is just as satisfyingand wont land you in trouble.

Masters of fake swearing create pseudo-insults, taunts, and all-purpose swears from seemingly innocent words. Their talent for creative fauxfanity saves them from the dreaded soap-to-mouth wash out.

For those unsure how to fashion believable fake curses without setting their mothers ears on fire, The Craptastic Guide to Pseudo-Swearing is here to help. It comes with instructions, helpful hints, exercises, and games to aid in learning. Readers will quickly become prodigious and accomplished fake cursers. It might be the only thing that can save you from shame when putting a nail through your hand while nuns, the elderly, and small children attentively watch nearby.

So remove the bar of soap from your mouth and learn a better way to express how fetchin mad you get when some son-of-a-biscuit driver flips you the birdand all without fear of being darned to heck.

Ah, the illegitimate-son tongue called the English language. It is so very schizophrenic in its heritage. Take a bit of German, throw in some Anglo-Saxon, add a dollop of Latin, then mix with the Romance languages. Dont forget to include a pinch from every language imaginable.

What we get is a living language that rebels against norms and standards. Why, then, are we so worried about naughty words? Because theyre just that: naughty. You want to be a good boy (or girl), dont you? Dont answer that. The thing is, most people expect to hear polite words when theyre out and about in their lives. When you hear a humdinger of a word at places like work, school, or violin practice, it burns the ears. Then the person who said it either has to pretend she doesnt care what others think or apologize profusely while vowing to never ever return, which can be problematic if she wants to keep her job.

Thats why this book is here to help. Im prepared to show you a variety of phrases and words to toss out in a dire momentand you need never fear reprisal from using one of these terms. Instead, it may bring smiles and even a few chuckles. Who doesnt love to chuckle? So add some variety to your vocab with the creative pseudo-curses presented here. People will surely take noticein a good way.

TWO FREAKISHLY IMPORTANT NOTES

Fake cursing must be said in all
seriousness, with a straight face, or the impact
of your swears will be lost and
the only reaction youll get is mockery.

Be confident, especially when
trying out some of the more creative examples.