Trent Horn - Made This Way

Made This Way

How to Prepare Kids to Face Todays Tough Moral Issues

LEILA MILLER with

TRENT HORN

Made This Way

How to Prepare Kids to Face Todays Tough Moral Issues

2018 Leila Miller and Trent Horn

All rights reserved. Except for quotations, no part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, uploading to the internet, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher.

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To St. Monica

The Reason for This Book

Sometimes it seems like we are living in a bizarre parallel universe. Right is wrong, up is down, men are women (and vice versa). Some Catholic parents dont even realize that our culture has distorted their moral compass, while others recognize the cultures errors but dont know how to explain them to their children.

And thats where the idea for this book began.

One of us is a father of two small boys, has researched these moral issues for over a decade, engages callers about them on live radio, and works full time helping to explain Catholic teachings to them.

The other of us is a mother of eight children and grandmother of several. She has been putting natural-law principles into practice for nearly three decades to teach her children and grandchildren the Churchs great wisdom on moral issues. In recent years, she has been mentoring and reassuring anxious Catholic parents as well.

Together we agreed that the best way to equip parents (and others who care about the formation of Catholic children) would be to write a book that teaches truth through learned experience . Our book would combine Trents experience in researching and debating these issues with Leilas experience as a parent and Catholic blogger.

In the pages to follow, we present an overview of child development and a brief explanation of how to use natural law in order to understand moral issues. Then we tackle ten of the toughest moral issues of our day, specifically those that touch on the use and misuse of human sexuality.

Each of these ten moral issues has a chapter with three sections dedicated to it. First, a section explaining what the Catholic Church teaches on that particular topic. Then, a section on how to speak to pre-pubescent children about this topic. Finally, a section on how to speak to teens about this topic.

These chapters are in no way exhaustive; in fact, we had to leave a lot of good stuff on the cutting-room floor. After all, these tough moral issues are important and complex. However, the principles underlying them are simple, and this book will give you the practical tools you need to understand the principles and issues themselves, and then how to teach them to your children. Even if your children are grown adults, or if you interact with children as an aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, or youth minister, we believe these techniques will vastly improve your conversations.

We also decided that, in order to keep these explanations practical and easy to follow, the book would be written from Leilas point of view as a Catholic parent while also including Trents research and insights in its explanations and arguments.

Finally, remember that our Lord has given us a holy Church that provides us with grace, truth, and wisdom. We believe that when you are equipped with the right understanding and words, your children will also be equipped to believe, live, and keep the Faith, even in these morally chaotic times.

Getting Kids to Heaven

Theres an old joke that fits me well:

Before I got married, I had eight theories about raising kids; now I have eight kids and no theories.

When I enrolled my first child in a wonderful Catholic elementary school many years ago, I marveled at all the large families I encountered. I remember seeing a mother of eight come onto campus one day with all her little ones in tow. Her youngest, a two-year-old, was barefoot and had peanut butter crusted around his mouth. As a young mom, I smugly thought that no matter how many children I had, I would never allow such a thing.

Now I roll with laughter as I think about all the times my own eight children went out barefoot and with dirty faces!

I share this because I understand that being a parent is hard work, and I dont have any complicated or magical parenting theories to offer. What I do have is the guidance of Christ, his Church, and the witness of the saints, plus the next-best teachershumility and experience. I respect that parents know their own children better than anyone else does, and so I simply want to give parents, or anyone who interacts with young people (like aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even youth ministers) some tools that have helped me in my own vocation as a Catholic mother hoping to raise saints.

Friend, Parent, or Friendly Parent?

When raising children, there are two extremes we need to avoid: that of permissive parents who ditch rules in order to be their childs friend, and that of authoritarian parents who crush their children under harsh rules. (Ironically, these different parenting styles often lead to the same kind of child: one who has low self-esteem and makes bad life choices.)

A better approach is to be an authoritative parent.

Unlike permissive parents (who seem to operate from fear or neglectfulness), we arent merely our childs friend, and we lay down the law when necessary. We know, as the Bible says, that all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; [but] later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Heb. 12:11). But unlike authoritarian parents (who seem to operate from anger or pride), we dont teach our children to disdain us or be afraid of us through cold, harsh punishment. We follow St. Pauls instruction to not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:4).

One study of college students showed that whereas children with permissive or authoritarian parents sought advice from their peers, children with authoritative parents were more likely to seek advice from Mom and Dad. This reminds me of a time I had lunch with my friends lovely teenage daughter who said she went straight to her open-hearted mother when she wanted to know the meaning of a sexual term shed heard. Her mother gave her a clear answer, placed in the context of Church teaching, and the young woman was satisfied.

My mom always tells me the truth, she told me, and I would never think to go to my classmates or friends with that kind of question.

That is exactly what we want our children to say about us, and being a parent who is properly authoritative gets us to that point. My children have always come to me with difficult moral questions precisely because they know that I will not shame them, or give them evasive non-answers, or tacitly approve immorality. However, the answers I give will always be tailored to their level of development .

Education or Indoctrination?

Permissive parents may believe it is wrong to indoctrinate their children. They may say that a child should be free to make up his own mind on various moral issues. But the word indoctrinate literally means to teach, and even permissive parents indoctrinate their children to value tolerance, open-mindedness, and compassion toward others. So, the question is not, Will you indoctrinate your children? but, With what ideas will you indoctrinate them?