Boff Konkerz - Icelandic Magic for Modern Living

In the beginning ...

It was a dark and stormy summers night in the West fjords when famed Icelandic archaeologist Ruglukollur Gottsklksson discovered an old wooden trunk buried beneath the floorboards of a deserted church 10 miles west of Breiavk. The trunk contained hither to unknown illustrations and text credited to the legendary Icelandic Nostradamus. Skldsgn Skldskapardttir. Ruglukollur found over a hundred previously unseen magical symbols or staves. Each stave was drawn along with a corresponding spell to trigger its effects. Most surprising of all was that the staves related not to the 1600s, when they were written down, but to life in the first decades of the 21 st century! Contained within this book are a selection of those precognitive magical symbols, along with the spells and rituals that give them their power. Readers are advised to approach the claims of this powerful and ancient sorcery with extreme caution as the spells themselves are sometimes dangerous to perform and their effects are not guaranteed.

Take your router and carve this stave onto it using the tip of a narwhal tusk. Place the router in a bucket and fill the bucket with Brennivn.* Leave the router soaking in the bucket for twenty four hours. Your Wifi will always be super-fast and your house will smell of caraway.

Write this stave on the inside of a hens egg without breaking the shell. Place this egg inside a well-worn sock and hide the sock inside a living cat belonging to a blind fishmonger. You will have more friends.

Two friends make an agreement that when one of them dies the other will flay his buttocks and make a hat from the skin. The living friend will then put this stave under the hat and place it on his head. The hat will fuse with the scalp of the wearer and whatever bar he enters there will always be happy hour. If the wearer of the hat dies while the hat is fused to his head his soul will never find peace and will wander Laugavegur* in search of a happy hour for all eternity. The only way to remove the hat is by persuading someone to listen to fourteen hours of terrible hip-hop. When the fourteen hours are up the wearer can remove the hat and give it to the new owner, who will now find cheap drinks wherever he wanders.

Buy one hundred assorted donuts from Dunkin Donuts and eat ninety nine of them. Take the remaining donut and place it on the grave of an orphan who died from a broken heart. Run around the grave counterclockwise seven-ty two times and then feed the donut to a three legged dog. No matter where in the world you are, you will always find your way back to Dunkin Donuts.

Carve this stave on a piece of harfiskur* the size of your palm. Coat the carved stave with a mixture of sour milk and selur.* Place the harfiskur in your underwear and leave there until it becomes one with your skin. You will not sleep with your cousin (or anyone else).

Carve this stave onto the last piece of cake. Place the cake outside the government building. The greedy politician will come running to eat the last piece of cake, when he/she arrives, throw bananas at him/her until he/she resigns.

WARNING: Once the corrupt politician has been made to resign he/she will simply appoint another corrupt politician to replace him/her, therefore this spell must be repeated often.

Paint this stave on the prow of your longship (car) with the blood of your fallen foes (red paint). Drink very expensive authentic viking beer, grow a viking beard, watch shows on your genuine viking TV where half naked men shout and wave swords about. Shout and wave a sword about yourself. Wear an authentic plastic viking helmet with horns. Wander around Laugavegur* at 3am wondering where all your money and friends have gone.

Youre a viking! Grrrrr.....

Have this stave tattooed on your ass. Use a picture of the tattoo as your main picture on Tinder. Remove your dignity with a rusty shoehorn. Lower your standards.

Congratulations, you are now popular.

Carve this stave into the foundations of a hotel under construction in downtown Reykjavk. Make sure that the hotel is being built with borrowed money. By the time the hotel is completed the tourist bubble will have burst and the hotel owners will not be able to pay the banks the money they owe them. So much money will have been invested in the fickle business of tourism that the economy will fail.

Scratch this stave onto nine cranes in the downtown Reykjavk area with a humpback whale tooth. In no time at all 101* will be turned into one big construction site, most stores will become foreign fast food outlets, most apartments available for rent will be rented out to tourists by the night making downtown unaffordable for local people. Eventually Reykjavk will lose the very thing that made it attractive to tourists in the first place and they will stay away.