Barbara Naughton - Without Hope: A childhood ruined by the man she should trust the most

A Childhood Ruined by the Man
she should Trust the Most

BARBARA NAUGHTON

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Published in 2010 by Ebury Press, an imprint of Ebury Publishing
A Random House Group company
First published in Ireland by Merlin Publishing in 2008

Copyright Barbara Naughton 2008, 2010

Barbara Naughton has asserted her right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

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I would like to dedicate this book to the Galway Rape Crisis
Centre and to all victims of child sexual abuse. I hope that
this book will make it easier for other victims to come
forward and tell their stories.

Connemara, Galway, 1985

One night I woke up because I heard someone crying. It was really dark. I heard a bang on the floor and then an eerie silence. It left me with an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. I hugged my favourite teddy bear Vefin and wished I was still asleep.

I was troubled, looking around my bedroom in the dark. Despite my fear and my desire to stay in bed, all my instincts urged me to go and investigate. I was afraid something bad had happened to my mam.

I slowly opened my bedroom door and began edging towards the kitchen. It was still very quiet and it was so dark I could barely see ahead of me.

Suddenly I heard my fathers voice.

Barbara? he seemed to whisper from right beside me.

I was frightened. I jumped and looked around me to find the voice but I couldnt see him. I made my way down the hall, towards the sitting room. I could just see my fathers shadow lying on the couch. I didnt want to go near him but I was worried about Mam.

I edged into the room, moving towards the kitchen. I thought I could see something on the floor.

As I passed by my father, he spoke again.

Dont go into the kitchen, he ordered. He reached out his hand and pulled me towards him on the sofa. He touched me on the side of my stomach. I felt uncomfortable as he then moved his hands around my chest area. I looked at my fathers face in surprise and I moved away from him.

Come closer, come here. He reached out and pulled me to him again.

I could smell alcohol from his breath and his face was red. I knew hed been drinking again. Mam had always told us to stay quiet and do what he said when hed taken drink.

He took my hand and held it.

What are you doing out of bed? he asked.

I was too scared to reply. I looked towards the right side of the sitting room, the entry to the kitchen. My instinct guided me there and I pulled away from my father.

He tried to block me from entering the small scullery but I got past him.

I switched on the light and screamed when I saw my mother lying face down on the floor. She wasnt moving and looked really cold.

I cried and fell on my knees beside her. I held her hand and began saying Mam, Mam but she didnt wake up.

I kept calling her name and squeezing her hand until she finally stirred. She opened her eyes and saw me staring at her. She began to look around but seemed a bit dizzy. She was green-looking and I thought she was going to get sick. One of her eyes was all red and puffy-looking.

My father shouted at me from the sitting room: Barbara, get back to bed.

He sounded very angry.

I was frightened but I kept staring at my mother. I wanted to make sure she was awake. I pulled at her and tried to help her up off the floor but she grabbed her side and couldnt seem to move.

Just leave her alone and go on back to bed, my father yelled again from the couch.

Mam smiled up at me and whispered: Go back to bed, love.

I moved past my father on the sofa. He tried to grab my hand again as I walked by but I ran around him. As soon as I was back in bed I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. My heart was racing. I was scared and very worried about my mother who was still lying on the scullery floor.

The following morning when I got out of bed, I walked into the sitting room. Mam was sitting on the edge of the couch, gazing out the window. Her eye was black and swollen. She was still holding her side.

My brothers were sitting quietly beside her.

Did you hear any noises last night? I asked them.

No, Paul replied.

We were fast asleep, Patrick agreed.

I looked at them in surprise. We all slept in bunk beds in the same room. I was sure the loud noise would have woken them up as well.

My mother looked at me directly and said: Barbara saved my life last night. She was the only one that got out of bed to help me.

I sighed with relief when I heard my mother saying that but I still felt helpless.

There was silence in the house between my parents for days afterwards.

We all knew it would happen again.

I was born in Kinnvarra, Camus, a small rural village in the west of Galway on August 25, 1978. My father came from a large family in Kinnvarra and had 11 siblings. My mother also came from a big family. The village was situated in the Gaeltacht, an Irish-speaking region, and I was brought up speaking Irish as my first language. Our house was in quite a remote area. We lived at the top of a hill, with a lake just down from the house on the other side. The local shop was at the bottom of the hill, with the church and the pub about three miles away. My fathers Uncle Colin was married to Delia who lived at the bottom of the hill in a small house.

It was a beautiful area but we didnt notice that growing up. We always thought it was a bit quiet. When I look back I dont remember anything very exciting happening when I was very young. One of my few earliest memories is the day I started school.