Ian Davis - My Boys Can Swim!: The Official Guys Guide to Pregnancy

HONEY, IM PREGNANT. That you're reading this book means there is a good chance you've heard those earthshaking words, and that you share the excitement and sheer terror I felt when my wife Nada unleashed them on me a short time ago.

The memories are still vivid. There I was, lying in bed watching Monday Night Football, when Nada disappeared to take one of those early pregnancy tests. I grunted to myself, purple stripno way. We had begun trying just a few months earlier, and I wasn't quite ready to stop trying. When Nada returned to announce that the test was positive, my first reaction was those tests are never accurate. But then she read 99 percent accurate off the label, and all of a sudden I felt like George Costanza when he finds out the woman he slept with is pregnantMy boys can swim! Next came a series of frightening thoughts: my beautiful sports car being bullied out of the garage by a big, ugly minivan; a crying baby on an airplaneand it's mine; horrific expenses; and enormous responsibility. My life as I knew it was over. My sphincter resoundingly clenched.

The next day I went to the bookstore seeking information and guidance. What did I find? Hundreds of books on pregnancy written for women. But no-where to be found was a book to which a typical guy could relate. One that offered everything you really needed to know about the pregnancy experience and written with enough dripping sarcasm, humor, and irreverence to make it readable. I wanted to know about the daily growth of my wife, not the daily growth of the fetus. The fact that none existed led me to write this book. It's based on my experience with Nada, together with real-life anecdotes drawn from interviews with hundreds of other brave souls who survived the dramatic changes that will consume you and your wife for over nine straight months.

A few important disclaimers. First off, all pregnancies are different, so it's possible that your wife may be lucky enough to avoid some or even all of the more extreme behavioral changes discussed in this book. There are actually women who love being pregnant (hard to believe, but true). Second, I've tried to keep this book short enough to digest on a relatively brief domestic plane flight or within about four ex-tended trips to the john. This is about all the time most guys will devote to reading about pregnancy. There-fore, don't expect comprehensive coverage of your wife's pregnancy experience here. If you need more information, consult her soon-to-be-created library on the subject, including the many parenting magazines she will subscribe to in the coming months. Finally, you should know that I know nothing about medicine. I cheated like hell in high school biology and still got a D. Anything that sounds even remotely like medical advice should be completely discounted. How's that for a fat legal disclaimer? My lawyer will be proud.

Since my wife Nada and I are the subject of commentary throughout the book, let me give you a quick lowdown on the two us: Nada is a vivacious, petite blonde whose personality is a cross between Bette Midler and Rosie ODonnell. Her tell-it-like-it-is directness and her sense of humor were a big part of her success as a hairdresser (she's retired her scissors) to some of Washington, D.C.'s best-known personalities (she even did a year-long stint at the White House with Hillary). Not long after our daughter was born, a salesman in a clothing store asked Nada to describe what it really felt like to give birth. He had no idea who he was dealing with. See that cash register over there? she said. Take that and shove it up your #!@, and you'll catch the sensation. Without Nada's keen and often comedic insights about what women go through during pregnancy, I never could have written this book.

As for me, I'm your everyday Joe. Nothing too unique here. I'm a mid-thirties, quickly getting out of shape, pathetic golfer with a receding hairline (okay, I'm basically bald, but still in denial). My thinning hair, together with some gum recession, led my friend Ed to remark that my hairline and gums were having a race to the back of my head. I'm not sure what possessed me to spend so much time writing about the subject of pregnancy. More than once Nada found me in the kitchen typing away at 5:00 A.M., wondering, Is he nuts? Writing a book about pregnancy? Gimme a break. I often had the same thoughts myself.

N ADA AND I are at a hotel in Miami on vacation. A screaming infant on the flight down from Washington, D.C., has us both thinking the same thing: Is this parenting stuff for us?

My sister-in-law, who lives near our hotel, visits us with her two kids. Her little boy asks me if I know Charlie. Charlie who? I respond. Charlie Horse. With these words, his fist comes flying into my groin. For the first time in my life, I understand what seeing stars really means.

Later we visit some old friends with a newborn baby girl. They insist that I hold her. I immediately begin to sweat. The minute that baby hits my hands she starts crying uncontrollably. She's always like that with strangers, they attempt to reassure me. But I know the truth. This kid senses that I am a klutz. She sees fear in my eyes. Mommy, Daddy, this bald guy's gonna drop me. Let me go, loser! is what those screams mean.

On our way back to the hotel, Nada announces that her biological clock is nearing expiration and that we should really start trying to have a baby.

Great timing. Do you really think we're made out to be someone's parents? I ask. I can barely remember to floss daily.

You'll be fine, honey. Just fine.

For some reason, I find this hard to believe.

If the idea of becoming a parent scares the hell out of you, you're not alone. This is one of life's few irreversible decisions. No refunds. No returns.

In my view, pregnancy is baby boot camp. There are some beautiful moments that strengthen the bonds between husband and wife. But there are also times you'll wonder if you're living in Superman's Bizarro World, where up is down, left is right, and logic is completely flipped on its head.

The first few months are easy. As the father-to-be, you'll live in pregnancy nirvana, basking in the glow of your impending fatherhood, and getting pats on the back from friends and family. Congratulations! You finally did it! There is no noticeable change in your wife's appearance or behavior just yet. Hey, this is great.

Then, like a sudden bolt of lightening, things change. The slight bulge in your wife's stomach hits you. Your mother-in-law is on the phone, quizzing you about job security. You're wandering aimlessly among feelings of denial, panic, and giddy excitement. One day, while you're sitting on the couch, telling yourself there's no way it's true, you suddenly find yourself wondering if there's lead paint in the spare bedroom and where to buy those outlet protector thingers. What the hell is going on?

BECAUSE nearly one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, spreading the news about your good fortune to a wide audience too quickly can be pretty risky. Since most guys are in a sheer state of denial anyway, it is not all that challenging to keep the secret under wraps for a good while. Getting your wife to do the same is another matter entirely.