Jenny Baranick - Kiss My Asterisk: A Feisty Guide to Punctuation and Grammar

Copyright 2014 by Jenny Baranick

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

ISBN: 978-1-62873-750-9

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

I would love to take all the credit for the existence of this book, but the truth is it wouldnt exist without many wonderfully supportive people. Melinda Combs and Holly Vance, the members of my writing group GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Writing; yes, were humble), not only endured countless drafts of grammar lessons; they provided me with their invaluable feedback and encouragement. Emily Teeple must have done something terrible in her past life because karma put her desk right in front of my office, literally transforming her into my unofficial proofreader. (Emily hates when people misuse literally .) Jeremy Aoun spent many a morning coffee listening to a highly caffeinated me ramble on and on about grammar. He also provided wonderful feedback and cooked delicious meals for GLOW. Rick Newman, Alicia Ladenes, and Danielle McConnell read early drafts of the book, and their encouragement propelled me to continue. My sister Maggie helped me tremendously with my Missed Periods and Other Grammar Scares blog. Id like to thank my mom; my dad; my brother, Matthew; my bestie, Tricia; the FIDM staff; and all my friends and family for all of the support and enthusiasm. Thank you to everyone who has read and supported the Missed Periods and Other Grammar Scares blog. Your comments gave me confidence in my writing voice. And thank you to my agent Neil Salkind for your invaluable support and optimism and my editor Lilly Golden for being such a delight to work with.

Introduction: Confidence Is Sexy

In addition to bearing Johnny Depps children, I always dreamt of becoming a college professor. I envisioned the day when I would lead my class of eager students in a discussion about the recurring imagery in Shakespeare or the devastatingly beautiful language that drips off the page of a Toni Morrison novel. So I received a BA and an MA in English, and although I am not Mrs. Depp, I am now actually a college professor.

Hold the applause, please. Im not that kind of English professor. Unlike Robin Williams character in Dead Poets Society , my lesson plan will never inspire students to sneak into the woods at night to read poetry or stand on their desks to salute me as their Captain . In fact, I would seriously worry about the student who found my class that inspiring. I am the English teacher who teaches the boring stuff I teach a class on grammar called Writing Skills.

My students think I love grammar. That just says one thing to me: I chose the wrong profession I should have been an actress. I dont love grammar. Loving grammar is like loving oatmeal. Its no three-cheese omelet, but its good for us.

So why do I persist? Am I a masochist? Maybe. Do I fear happiness? Perhaps. But more than happiness, I fear what would happen if I stopped. I could put down my red pen and let the students write how they claim to write best: by freely expressing themselves without all of the stupid grammar rules . I actually think thats a beautiful conceptin theory. However, take a look at these emails from my students; this is what freedom looks like:

I was curious to on my grade report I got the letter F by Writing Skills. Im guessing I didnt pass the class but what Im curious about is how? Im hopping its a mistake, I know Im not the best at writing, but I did all my homework accept for two assignments and I did some extra credit. I thought I atleast did ok on the finals also. Does this mean I have to pay for it all over again to? (I am sure you are hoping its a mistake, but I am certainly not hopping over to my grade book to make any changes.)

I couldnt make it to class today due to a Family issue. Please excepte this peragraphs that I have sent you in this email. I will be coming in to see you monday morning about the mider . (Make it Tuesday; I have to research what a mider is first.)

hey Mrs baranick its me k_ _ _ _, again, i dont know if you got my last message but i was asking you about my F that i got in the class. I need to know how it got to an F because i only missed 1 assignment and that was the 75 point one. if you can please get back to me as soon as possible because i need to know if maybe their was a mistake or whatever .

( You ask how it got to an F? Im going to wager it had a lot to do with your poor grammar and punctuationor, you know, whatever. )

These emails were written by the same students who believe my life revolves around grammar, the very same students who know that I am responsible for their final grade. Sending these emails to their English professor pleading for a grade change is like applying for a job at PETA wearing a floor-length fur coat.

To be fair, these examples are like Jerry Springers guests: extreme examples of human foible. However, lets be honest: who hasnt had at least one secret love child with their sisters fianc? (Oh, you havent? You either? Not even one?) Well then, how many of you are guilty of committing some of the writing errors made in the email examples above: haphazard capitalization, missing apostrophes, weird spelling, and questionable email etiquette?

Dont worry. Its not your fault. We live in a very confusing time for writing. Facebook is a grammar free-for-all. Instead of curling up with a good book, we now curl up with an iPad. The iPhone adds our apostrophes for us, and might I say, not always correctly: I just got into a big fight with mine when it kept incorrectly adding an apostrophe to its , even though I was using it possessively instead of as a contraction for it is . And its not all technologys fault: our public school systems are underfunded and overcrowded.

However, having professional writing skills is crucial. Studies show that incorrect grammar, punctuation, and spelling can prevent us from getting hired and promoted. Oftentimes, people meet our writing before they meet us; our writing is our first impression. People read our rsums, cover letters, proposals, and emails, and thats the basis on which we are judged first. If our writing is full of grammar and punctuation errors, even though the content may be great, its like wearing a beautifully made Prada dress that has deodorant stains.