Amy Bonnaffons - The Wrong Heaven

1. Word of God, as appears in Bible (obv.)
2. Tomatoes
3. Pipe organs
4. Meditative feeling brought on by needlepoint
5. Rodgers & Hammerstein
6. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (existence)
7. flowers/constant renewal of life cycle
8. Billie Holiday (singer)
9. Billie Holiday (dog)
10. Theory that everything exists for purpose, pain and trouble sent as trials, all to bring us closer to God, etc.
11. Way students say Oh! when pet caterpillars turn into butterflies

1. Genocide/wanton destruction
2. Insomnia
3. Evolution
4. Animal cruelty
5. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (worlds treatment of)
6. Dimpled thighs
7. General lack of love in life
8. Early death of Billie Holiday (singer)
9. Early death of Billie Holiday (dog)
10. Dream in which I slap Jesuss face
11. Dream in which Jesus slaps my face
12. Dreams in which Jesus and I sit mutely on folding chairs in a blank room, as in group therapy, but with no therapist, wanting to slap each others face but unable to rouse ourselves to action
13. Looks on students faces when caterpillars die unexpectedly
14. Looks on students faces when caterpillars die expectedly (different and somehow worse)

Evidence Against seemed to grow longer every day. Plus, a growing number of items appeared on both lists.

So on my lunch break, I went and bought some new lawn ornaments. Neither Home Depot nor Safeway had the kind I wanted; the Safeway guy referred me to a place called Tonys Catholic Bonanza, on the East Side. I arrived back at school out of breath, four minutes late, carrying an Electric Jesus and a Flashing Virgin.

My class was waiting for me at their little desks with folded hands, like anxious orphans. Theyre the remedial class (as opposed to regular or gifted), and they know it; theyre always afraid of being one step behind, of discovering that something that seems like a joke will turn out not to be.

Whos ready for marine-life dioramas? I sang. I placed the lawn ornaments on my desk and hung my purse on the back of my chair. Then I plugged in Jesus and Mary, because I thought this would cheer them. But two of the children immediately started to cry.

I unplugged the statues, and made a mental note to add this to Evidence Against.

I stayed late to grade spelling tests, but I couldnt focus. Jesus and Mary kept staring at me.

Its not that they were lifelikethey were made of shoddy translucent plastic, their features colored in with already-flaking paint. But there was something about them. Mary had a calm, serene expression on her paper-white face, her large imploring eyes floating above her swimming-pool-blue robes, her palms folded demurely across her middle. Jesus, on the other hand, had a sort of intense, burning stare. He held His white-robed arms out to the side in a way that could have been an embrace or a pantomime of crucifixionI wasnt sure. Id never thought about how similar the two looked.

I leaned over and plugged them in. The electric glow shot through their translucent skin, and they lit up like fireflies against the dusky room.

You are loved, said Mary.

Probably, said Jesus.

We know you have questions, said Mary. And we have answers.

But were not just going to give them away for free, said Jesus. He held out His palms. Look at the marks where the nails went in.

I grimaced.

Come on, said Mary. She shot Jesus a reproachful glance. Weve talked about this. Then she smiled sweetly. So, she said. How can we help you today, Cheryl?

Well, I said. I guess Id just like to feel like youre on my side.

Mary nodded sympathetically. I think youre doing a bang-up job, she said, under the circumstances. She had a slight British accent, like Julie Andrews.

Look, said Jesus. Dont take it the wrong way, what Im about to say. Its just my personality. But have you considered the lilies of the field? The birds, and wild beasts? Do they wonder whos on their side? He made air quotes.

I dont know, I said.

They dont, he said.

I waited for Him to say something more, but He didnt. He just stood there with His arms folded, apparently waiting for me to say something. Mary rolled her eyes.

I leaned over and unplugged them. Their lights went out, and their faces hardened into frozen masks of cheap colored plastic.

I picked them up, took them out to the car, and drove back to Tonys Catholic Bonanza.

They dont work? said the young man behind the counter. He had eyes as green as marbles, and black hair neatly parted down the middle.

They work, I said. Thats not the problem. The problem is, theyre judgmental.

He nodded. Ah, I see, he said. He folded his arms. A lot of people complain about that.

So can you take them back?

No, maam. He shook his head. He pointed to a large handwritten sign that said NO REFUNDS ON STATUES .

I sighed. Where do these come from, anyway?

Papas Plastics. Its the only factory located partially inside the Vatican City.

What do you mean, partially?

Half of it is and half of it isnt. Vatican City is very small. They make statues and rosary beads and shovels. For burying the dead.

Plastic shovels?

He shrugged. The soil is very loose in that part of Italy. Anyway, its all been blessed by the Pope.

What do you mean, blessed? Does he sprinkle holy water on it or something?

No, but his car drives by the factory sometimes and he gives a little wave. He demonstrated by limply raising his hand, then letting it drop.

I sighed. Thanks for your help. I picked up the two statues, one under each arm, and headed back out to the car.