David Sedaris - Me Talk Pretty One Day

ALSO BY D a v i d S e d a r i s

Barrel Fever

Naked

Holidays on Ice

David Sedaris

For my father, Lou

Contents

One

Go Carolina

A NYONE WHO WATCHES EVEN THE SLIGHTEST amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, Im going to ask you to come with me.

Theyre always remarkably calm, these agents. If asked Why do I need to go anywhere with you? theyll straighten their shirt cuffs or idly brush stray hairs from the sleeves of their sport coats and say, Oh, I think we both know why.

The suspect then chooses between doing things the hard way and doing things the easy way, and the scene ends with either gunfire or the gentlemanly application of handcuffs. Occasionally its a case of mistaken identity, but most often the suspect knows exactly why hes being taken. It seems hes been expecting this to happen. The anticipation has ruled his life, and now, finally, the wait is over. Youre sometimes led to believe that this person is actually relieved, but Ive never bought it. Though it probably has its moments, the average day spent in hiding is bound to beat the average day spent in prison. When it comes time to decide who gets the bottom bunk, I think anyone would agree that theres a lot to be said for doing things the hard way.

The agent came for me during a geography lesson. She entered the room and nodded at my fifth-grade teacher, who stood frowning at a map of Europe. What would needle me later was the realization that this had all been prearranged. My capture had been scheduled to go down at exactly 2:30 on a Thursday afternoon. The agent would be wearing a dung-colored blazer over a red knit turtleneck, her heels sensibly low in case the suspect should attempt a quick getaway.

David, the teacher said, this is Miss Samson, and shed like you to go with her now.

No one else had been called, so why me? I ran down a list of recent crimes, looking for a conviction that might stick. Setting fire to a reportedly flameproof Halloween costume, stealing a set of barbecue tongs from an unguarded patio, altering the word hit on a list of rules posted on the gymnasium door; never did it occur to me that I might be innocent.

You might want to take your books with you, the teacher said. And your jacket. You probably wont be back before the bell rings.

Though she seemed old at the time, the agent was most likely fresh out of college. She walked beside me and asked what appeared to be an innocent and unrelated question: So, which do you like better, State or Carolina?

She was referring to the athletic rivalry between the Triangle areas two largest universities. Those who cared about such things tended to express their allegiance by wearing either Tar Heel powder blue, or Wolf Pack red, two colors that managed to look good on no one. The question of team preference was common in our part of North Carolina, and the answer supposedly spoke volumes about the kind of person you either were or hoped to become. I had no interest in football or basketball but had learned it was best to pretend otherwise. If a boy didnt care for barbecued chicken or potato chips, people would accept it as a matter of personal taste, saying, Oh well, I guess it takes all kinds. You could turn up your nose at the president or Coke or even God, but there were names for boys who didnt like sports. When the subject came up, I found it best to ask which team my questioner preferred. Then Id say, Really? Me, too!

Asked by the agent which team I supported, I took my cue from her red turtleneck and told her that I was for State. Definitely State. State all the way.

It was an answer I would regret for years to come.

State, did you say? the agent asked. Yes, State. Theyre the greatest.

I see. She led me through an unmarked door near the principals office, into a small, windowless room furnished with two facing desks. It was the kind of room where youd grill someone until they snapped, the kind frequently painted so as to cover the bloodstains. She gestured toward what was to become my regular seat, then continued her line of questioning.

And what exactly are they, State and Carolina?

Colleges? Universities?

She opened a file on her desk, saying, Yes, youre right. Your answers are correct, but youre saying them incorrectly. Youre telling me that theyre college th and univer th itie th , when actually theyre college s and universitie s . Youre giving me a th sound instead of a nice clear s . Can you hear the di s tinction between the two different s ound s ?

I nodded.

May I please have an actual answer?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh is not a word.

Okay.

Okay what?

Okay, I said. Sure, I can hear it.

You can hear what, the di s tinction? The contra s t?

Yeah, that.

It was the first battle of my war against the letter s , and I was determined to dig my foxhole before the sun went down. According to Agent Samson, a s tate c ertified s peech therapi s t, my s was sibilate, meaning that I lisped. This was not news to me.

Our goal i s to work together until eventually you can s peak correctly, Agent Samson said. She made a great show of enunciating her own sparkling s s, and the effect was profoundly irritating. Im trying to help you, but the longer you play the s e little game s the longer thi s i s going to take.

The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word pen had two syllables. Her people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready so who was she to advise me on anything? Over the coming years I would find a crack in each of the therapists sent to train what Miss Samson now defined as my lazy tongue. That s it s problem, she said. It s ju s t plain lazy.

My sisters Amy and Gretchen were, at the time, undergoing therapy for their lazy eyes, while my older sister, Lisa, had been born with a lazy leg that had refused to grow at the same rate as its twin. Shed worn a corrective brace for the first two years of her life, and wherever she roamed she left a trail of scratch marks in the soft pine floor. I liked the idea that a part of ones body might be thought of as lazy not thoughtless or hostile, just unwilling to extend itself for the betterment of the team. My father often accused my mother of having a lazy mind, while she in turn accused him of having a lazy index finger, unable to dial the phone when he knew damn well he was going to be late.

My therapy sessions were scheduled for every Thursday at 2:30, and with the exception of my mother, I discussed them with no one. The word therapy suggested a profound failure on my part. Mental patients had therapy. Normal people did not. I didnt see my sessions as the sort of thing that one would want to advertise, but as my teacher liked to say, I guess it takes all kinds. Whereas my goal was to keep it a secret, hers was to inform the entire class. If I got up from my seat at 2:25, shed say, Sit back down, David. Youve still got five minutes before your speech therapy session. If I remained seated until 2:27, shed say, David, dont forget you have a speech therapy session at two-thirty. On the days I was absent, I imagined she addressed the room, saying, Davids not here today but if he were, hed have a speech therapy session at two-thirty.

My sessions varied from week to week. Sometimes Id spend the half hour parroting whatever Agent Samson had to say. Wed occasionally pass the time examining charts on tongue position or reading childish s -laden texts recounting the adventures of seals or settlers named Sassy or Samuel. On the worst of days shed haul out a tape recorder and show me just how much progress I was failing to make.