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Jen Lancaster - Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase

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Jen Lancaster Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase
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Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase: summary, description and annotation

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The hardcover debut from the New York Times bestselling author- the prequel to Bitter is the New Black.In Pretty in Plaid, Jen Lancaster reveals how she developed the hubris that perpetually gets her into trouble. Using fashion icons of her youth to tell her hilarious and insightful stories, readers will meet the girl she used to be. Think Jen Lancaster was always like David Sedaris with pearls and a super-cute handbag? (Jennifer Coburn) Think again. She was a badge-hungry Junior Girl Scout with a knack for extortion, an aspiring sorority girl who didnt know her Coach from her Louis Vuitton, and a budding executive who found herself bewildered by her first encounter with a fax machine. In this humorous and touching memoir, Jen Lancaster looks back on her life-and wardrobe-before bitter was the new black and shows us a young woman not so very different than the rest of us. The author who showed us what it was like to wait in line at the unemployment office with a Prada bag, how living in the city can actually suck, and that losing weight can be fun with a trainer named Barbie and enough Ambien is ready to take you on a hilarious and heartwarming trip down memory lane in her shoes (and very pretty ones at that).

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Table of Contents OTHER TITLES BY New York Times BESTSELLING AUTHOR JEN - photo 1

Table of Contents


OTHER TITLES BY New York Times BESTSELLING AUTHOR JEN LANCASTER

Bitter Is the New Black


Bright Lights, Big Ass


Such a Pretty Fat

New American Library Published by New American Library a division of - photo 2

New American Library
Published by New American Library,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.,
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto,
Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Ireland, 25 St. Stephens Green, Dublin 2,
Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.)
Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell,
Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.)
Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre,
Panchsheel Park, New Delhi - 110 017, India
Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632,
New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue,
Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices:
80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

First published by New American Library,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First Printing, May 2009

Copyright Jennifer Lancaster, 2009 All rights reserved


REGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADA


Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lancaster, Jen, 1967-
Pretty in plaid: a life, a witch, and a wardrobe, or the wonder years before the
condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered smart-ass phase/Jen Lancaster.
p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-05071-2

1. Lancaster, Jen, 1967Childhood and youth. 2. Authors, American
21st centuryBiography. 3. GirlsHumor. 4. Clothing and dressHumor.
I. Title.

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

PUBLISHERS NOTE

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the authors rights is appreciated.

http://us.penguingroup.com

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Pretty in Plaid A Life a Witch and a Wardrobe or the Wonder Years Before the Condescending Egomaniacal Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase - image 3

AUTHORS NOTE

Pretty in Plaid A Life a Witch and a Wardrobe or the Wonder Years Before the Condescending Egomaniacal Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase - image 4

S ome characters have been combined for storytelling purposes. In addition, other names and identifying characteristics have been changed for privacy reasons.

The soul of this man is in his clothes.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

MARK TWAIN


It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits
to point out that the emperor has no clothes.
But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and
the emperor remains an emperor.

NEIL GAIMAN

November 6, 1974Dear Mattei,Your Bella Dancerella Barbie is junk!Just today the head fell off her. Yesterday, her body fell apart. I do not have any of the pieces to send you because they are junk now.May be you should send me a another one immediately before I tell all my friends what shoddy products you - photo 5another one immediately before I tell all my friends what shoddy products you - photo 6 another one immediately before I tell all my friends what shoddy products you manufacture.Your friend,Jennifer LancasterP.S. My dawn dolls fell apart in the tub when I tried to take them swimming. Please send two Dancerella Barbies to make up for this tragic loss.October 1, 1976
Hi, Mrs. Cummings,
You dont know me but I am my brother Todds sister. My mom says Todd is failing your Spanish class. She yelled at him a bunch for getting an F on the test and he was mad. He kept saying no bueno.
My mom is probably too emotional about Todds grades to discuss the situation rationally, so you should probably work through me. I am enclosing a blank piece of paper so you can give me a progress report on Todd.
Okay, thank you,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. Hola!P.P.S. Look at me! Im already bi-lingual!December 12, 1980
Hello, Brooke Shields!
Im a big fan even though Im not allowed to see The Blue Lagoon. Plus youre from New Jersey and I used to live in New Jersey and we have the same eyebrows, so its like were already kindred spirits.
Anyway, I saw your commercial and I like the Calvin Klein jeans you advertise. I figure you probably have some extra since Mr. Klein likely gave them to you for free.
Youre in luck - I happen to need some Calvin Klein jeans and no one will buy them for me so why not solve both our problems and send me some? Seriously, no one in this stupid cow town has Calvins and Id be the first if you sent me some and Im pretty sure that would catapult me to instant celebrity.
Your friend,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. My auntie says your ads are kitty porn, but that makes no sense because youre totally wearing pants!Also? There are no cats!February 14, 1981
Brooke,
I am not saying dear because you are not dear to me. I ask you for extra pants and you send me back a frigging postcard?
You are NOT COOL.
And I totally pluck my eyebrows now. You should, too.
NOT your friend,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. All is forgiven if the pants are in the mail.January 28, 1984
Principal Stern,
Im sorry you had to take time out of your busy day of principal-ing to deal with such a trivial matter.
Honestly, I have no idea how or why Justine Moore got the idea that I hated her and that I specifically carried nail scissors around to simulate snip-snip sounds whenever I was behind her in the hallway. And I couldnt begin to tell you who started the rumor about people wanting to hack off a chunk of her ridiculous red hair to punish her for being such a bit, well, you know, female dog.
These allegations against me are hurtful and untrue even though she TOTALLY tried to get with my date by grinding on him when I hit the bathroom at the last school dance. As you can see, shed have it coming if someone were to give her an unexpected haircut, but it wouldnt be me.
Your student,
Jeni Lancaster
P.S. She has NO proof.December 15, 2008
Dear Self,
Someday in a fit of nostalgia, or perhaps after matching Gross pointe Blank again, you will be tempted to attend a high school reunion.
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