Jen Lancaster - Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase

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OTHER TITLES BY New York Times BESTSELLING AUTHOR JEN LANCASTER

Bitter Is the New Black

Bright Lights, Big Ass

Such a Pretty Fat

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First published by New American Library,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First Printing, May 2009

Copyright Jennifer Lancaster, 2009 All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADA

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lancaster, Jen, 1967-
Pretty in plaid: a life, a witch, and a wardrobe, or the wonder years before the
condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered smart-ass phase/Jen Lancaster.
p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-05071-2

1. Lancaster, Jen, 1967Childhood and youth. 2. Authors, American
21st centuryBiography. 3. GirlsHumor. 4. Clothing and dressHumor.
I. Title.

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AUTHORS NOTE

S ome characters have been combined for storytelling purposes. In addition, other names and identifying characteristics have been changed for privacy reasons.

The soul of this man is in his clothes.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

MARK TWAIN

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits
to point out that the emperor has no clothes.
But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and
the emperor remains an emperor.

NEIL GAIMAN

November 6, 1974Dear Mattei,Your Bella Dancerella Barbie is junk!Just today the head fell off her. Yesterday, her body fell apart. I do not have any of the pieces to send you because they are junk now.May be you should send me a another one immediately before I tell all my friends what shoddy products you manufacture.Your friend,Jennifer LancasterP.S. My dawn dolls fell apart in the tub when I tried to take them swimming. Please send two Dancerella Barbies to make up for this tragic loss.October 1, 1976
Hi, Mrs. Cummings,
You dont know me but I am my brother Todds sister. My mom says Todd is failing your Spanish class. She yelled at him a bunch for getting an F on the test and he was mad. He kept saying no bueno.
My mom is probably too emotional about Todds grades to discuss the situation rationally, so you should probably work through me. I am enclosing a blank piece of paper so you can give me a progress report on Todd.
Okay, thank you,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. Hola!P.P.S. Look at me! Im already bi-lingual!December 12, 1980
Hello, Brooke Shields!
Im a big fan even though Im not allowed to see The Blue Lagoon. Plus youre from New Jersey and I used to live in New Jersey and we have the same eyebrows, so its like were already kindred spirits.
Anyway, I saw your commercial and I like the Calvin Klein jeans you advertise. I figure you probably have some extra since Mr. Klein likely gave them to you for free.
Youre in luck - I happen to need some Calvin Klein jeans and no one will buy them for me so why not solve both our problems and send me some? Seriously, no one in this stupid cow town has Calvins and Id be the first if you sent me some and Im pretty sure that would catapult me to instant celebrity.
Your friend,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. My auntie says your ads are kitty porn, but that makes no sense because youre totally wearing pants!Also? There are no cats!February 14, 1981
Brooke,
I am not saying dear because you are not dear to me. I ask you for extra pants and you send me back a frigging postcard?
You are NOT COOL.
And I totally pluck my eyebrows now. You should, too.
NOT your friend,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. All is forgiven if the pants are in the mail.January 28, 1984
Principal Stern,
Im sorry you had to take time out of your busy day of principal-ing to deal with such a trivial matter.
Honestly, I have no idea how or why Justine Moore got the idea that I hated her and that I specifically carried nail scissors around to simulate snip-snip sounds whenever I was behind her in the hallway. And I couldnt begin to tell you who started the rumor about people wanting to hack off a chunk of her ridiculous red hair to punish her for being such a bit, well, you know, female dog.
These allegations against me are hurtful and untrue even though she TOTALLY tried to get with my date by grinding on him when I hit the bathroom at the last school dance. As you can see, shed have it coming if someone were to give her an unexpected haircut, but it wouldnt be me.
Your student,
Jeni Lancaster
P.S. She has NO proof.December 15, 2008
Dear Self,
Someday in a fit of nostalgia, or perhaps after matching Gross pointe Blank again, you will be tempted to attend a high school reunion.
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