Jen Lancaster - Bitter is the New Black : Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office

Bitter Is the New Black

Bitter Is the New Black

Confessions of a condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered Smart-ass, or why you should never carry a Prada Bag to the unemployment office

A MEMOIR

Jen Lancaster

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First published by New American Library,
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Copyright Jen Lancaster, 2006
All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADA

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Lancaster, Jen, 1967

Bitter is the new black / Jen Lancaster.
p. cm.
ISBN: 1-4295-2152-x
1. Unemployed women workersNonfiction. 2. Job huntingNonfiction. I. Title.
PS3612.A54748B58 2006
813'.6dc22 2005018193

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for my mom despite and because (but mostly because)

for kate who makes the impossible anything but

for auntie virginia and cousin stephen,
my style icon and the man who invented fun

and for fletchthanks for doing all the
heavy lifting (with love and squalor)

CONTENTS

AUTHORS NOTE

This boutique-to-barrio tale is a modern Greek tragedy, as defined by Roger Dunkle in The Classical Origins of Western Culture : a story in which the central character, called a tragic protagonist or hero, suffers some serious misfortune which is not accidental, and therefore meaningless, but is significant in that the misfortune is logically connected.

In other words? The bitch had it coming.

And I am that bitch.

Bitter Is the New Black is my story.

Although this memoir is based on real events in my life, Ive taken a few liberties for the purpose of moving the story forward. In some cases names and places have been altered, characters combined, time compressed, and events taken out of sequence.

Regardless of these changes, I assure you, yes, I really was that bad.

First she was a seed,
and then she was trouble.

TODD LANCASTER, DECEMBER 25, 1970

I do much better as a goddess,
she said, since my secretarial skills
have always been limited.

BRIAN ANDREAS, IN TRUSTI N G SOUL

PROLOGUE

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LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

April 7, 1977
Dear Mrs. Lancaster:
Jennifer is one of the brightest and most articulate students in the fourth grade and a pleasure to have in my class. However, an incident today concerns me. During recess, I heard her remark to another student, I can make Stacey Coopersmith do anything I want.
I wanted to tell you, as I am sure you want to keep that kind of behavior in check.
Sincerely,
Mrs. C---

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THE CAMPUS

Student Newspaper

3/15/84
Jeni
Pls. see me re. Page Ones budget for next weeks issue. Although your proposed layout looks great, Im not sure the headline for the Spring Break story should be Jeni to Vacation in Europe . As well, the story may be more interesting if you actually include a broad range of other students plans, and not just your own.
Thx,
C. H---

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VIKINGS RADIO

2/10/85
Jennifer,
Broadcasting on the school radio is an awesome responsibility. If I did not think you were up to the challenge, I would not have awarded you your own show. However, I want to make it clear that you will lose this slot if we have a repeat of last nights incident.
I spent my morning fielding calls from parents angry about your commentary. Regardless of your opinion, it is never OK to report that the Pep Step Dance Squad members look fat in their new outfits nor are you allowed to call them boyfriend-stealing skanks.
There are plenty of other students anxious to claim your spot if the editorializing continues. Do not let this happen again.
Mr. W---

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University English Department

10/05/88
Miss Lancaster,
Congratulations on the commendable job on your essay exam. However, I regret to inform you that I must award you a B+, and not the A-youd earned. Quite simply, I cannot tolerate your shouting at your neighbor to stop chewing your gum like a damn cow during the test.
The reverberation of giggles after your profane outburst was disruptive and inappropriate, and I had no choice but to dock your grade.
Prof. D--
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
William Shakespeare (15641616),
A Midsummer Nights Dream,
Act 2, Scene 2

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pi beta phipi beta phipi beta phipi beta phi

january 21, 1991
jen,
congrats on the most faboo party!! it was our best ever, thanks to you! you rule as rush chairwomanmajor snaps!!
however, the exec board has overturned the $100 fines you slapped on sisters not wearing green at the emerald city event. we think your attention to detail is totally awesome, but those fines were way harsh.
pi love and mine,
pres. r--
p.s. weve also turned down your request to fine anyone who called you hitler during the partywe were totally joking!!
pi beta phipi beta phipi beta phipi beta phi

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The Village Idiot

BAR AND GRILLE

5/25/95
Jen,
Thanks for volunteering to be in charge when I took Chris to the emergency room. His burn is healing well, and he will be back in the kitchen on Tuesday. You did an excellent job running things with a couple of small exceptions.
First, Brian will NOT be required to provide you with a detailed essay on the virtues of a properly cooked steak.
Second, I know you think the hostess wasnt seating people in an orderly manner, but I DID NOT give you the authority to fire her. She will also be back on Tuesday and expects an apology.
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