Libby Howard [Howard - A Midnight Clear

I smoothed a hand over the white silk of the full-length, sleeveless dress, lightly tracing the black embroidery across the bodice and down the side as I looked at my reflection. My shoulder-length hair had spent the last hour in hot rollers, making it look like a silver-streaked curly bob. The new do and my professionally applied make-up seemed to take a dozen years off my appearance, but maybe that was wishful thinking on my part. Id never fretted about my age when Eli had been alive. Growing old was one of the ever-shifting facets of our life and love together. I didnt regret the gray in my hair, or the wrinkles edging my eyes and bracketing my mouth, but it had been a shock to look in the mirror after Elis funeral and wonder where the last few decades had gone. One moment I was forty, and the next I was sixty, a widow, and worried that Id need to sell our beloved home before I even had a chance to order the headstone for my husbands grave.

I wished Eli could see me now. Actually, I wished the Eli prior to his accident could see me now. The Eli Id been married to the last ten years of our lives would have felt a pang of regret to see this woman in the mirror. There had been moments when hed expressed equal parts guilt and frustration over his condition, and claimed that he was nothing more than a heavy stone around my neck, weighing me down. Hed worried that his disability was eating away at our marriage.

That hadnt been true. Yes, there were days when caring for him was hard. There were times when he seemed so different from who hed been before the accident. But together wed found a different kind of love than wed had in the first part of our marriage.

Even though I tried to let my memories be a balm to the grief, there were days when the realization that he was gone stabbed sharply in my chest. Id let him go. I hadnt seen or felt his ghost since Thanksgiving. And although I knew that was the right thing, I missed the comfort his ghostly presence brought me.

Tonight felt like a turning point somehow. It felt as if I were taking a step forward out of the old and into something new and differentinto something scary.

The woman staring back at me from out of the mirror appeared strong, confident, smart, beautifulnot beautiful like a girl in the first blush of womanhood, or a mother glowing with the frazzled beauty of one who creates and nurtures. No, this woman in the mirror had maturity. She had the beauty of a woman who has seen life, who knows what she wants, who sees through bullshit and isnt about to let anyoneman or womantake advantage of her.

She was sexy. And thats what scared me.

I didnt need to be sexy. Okay, a tiny part of me wanted to be sexy, but I didnt need it. Not now. Maybe not ever.

There was a little devil on my shoulder that called me a liar. Id never been a beauty, but at sixty I felt as if I were closer to that adjective than Id ever been. I knew that I would turn heads tonight. I knew that even in a culture that worshiped the cult of youth when it came to women, I would be seen, respected, admired, and desired. The little devil on my shoulder was excited about that.

Actually the little devil was excited to see one mans reaction in particular.

What would Judge Beck say when he saw me? Unbidden, my imagination flew off into scenes of intimacy I had no business thinking of.

Yes, he was a very handsome man. These months living with him had revealed him to be kind, honorable, intelligent, fair, and caring. He had a sense of humor. He was an amazing father. If I were to be completely honest with myself, Id been fighting an attraction to him for quite a while now. But I worried that falling in love with the judge would only end in heartbreak for me. He was nearly fifteen years younger than me. He wasnt divorced yet, and I wasnt quite sure he was ready to move on from his failed marriage at this time. Even if some miracle occurred and he felt a spark of attraction for me, anything between us would be doomed to failure. Id end up not just with heartbreak. Id lose two kids Id grown to love. Id lose a friendship and companionship Id come to cherish. Id lose a roommate and the income that kept my house from foreclosure.

Id buried my husband less than a year ago. How could I possibly be thinking of another man so soon? What sort of horrible, disloyal wife was I to even think about a relationship with another man at this time?

Glancing at the clock, I realized it was time to go. I straightened my shoulders, smoothed a hand once more down my dress, and turned away from the mirror. The stairs creaked as I headed down. Turning on the final landing, I caught a glimpse of Taco, Henry, and Madison, waiting at the bottom of the stairs. Henry grinned, giving me a less-than-subtle thumbs-up. Madisons eyes grew wide, her mouth in an O. Then she did what I can only describe as a quick jig. Taco wasnt as impressed. The cat eyed me, then proceeded to sit down and clean one of his paws.

Shes ready! Madison announced, still hopping from one foot to the other.

Two more steps down and Judge Beck came into my view. His back was toward me, a tall, muscular figure in black, his blond hair not quite short enough to hide the natural wave that curled the lighter bits around the back of his neck. He turned at his daughters words, and my breath lodged in my chest.

Id seen him in suits. Id seen him in his judges robes. Id seen him in khakis and a polo shirt, in swimming trunks, in pajama bottoms with an old t-shirt, but nothing compared to Judge Beck in a tux. Holy cow, the man should have been a model for formal wear.

Im sure it helped that the tux was obviously not a rental, and had been clearly designed and tailored not just to fit his body, but to accentuate his broad shoulders and slim waist. The back view had been darned fine, but from the front

I forced my eyes up to his face, and felt my legs turn to rubber. That one lock of blond hair had escaped the rest and staked a claim on his forehead, giving him a look of disheveled glamor. The tanned skin with his chiseled good looks. The curve of his mouth that softened all but the sternest of his expressions. Everything about him was breathtakingly handsome, but it was his eyes that truly held methose beautiful hazel eyes.

Suddenly I realized I was standing on the steps like a statue, staring at my roommate while two teens eyed us both in amusement.

Do not fall down the stairs. I forced myself to take a cautious step, holding the railing just in case my unexpectedly weak legs failed me.

You look very nice, Kay, Judge Beck told me in a husky tone.

Madison rolled her eyes and shot her father an exasperated glance. You look beautiful in that dress, Kay. Doesnt she, Dad?

Yes. The dress is very nice.

I bit back a smile, feeling more confident now that I knew my appearance had turned the usually well-spoken Judge Beck into a man who only knew one, rather lame, adjective.

Thank you. I found it in the back of my closet and cant remember when I must have bought it. I shook my head, thinking I deserved an Emmy nomination for this. Its probably been in there for a decade at least.

Madison did not deserve an Emmy nomination. She laughed, clapping a hand over her mouth as she did that little jig again. I ignored her and walked over to the judge, picking my clutch up off the table and trying to smile up at him as if he wasnt an Adonis of a man, as if we were just two friends heading out for a work function, or some charity event.