Ron Bates - How to Make Friends and Monsters

You know how theres always that one kid who cant find a place to sit in the cafeteria because people save empty seats for imaginary friends whenever he heads their way? So he has to carry his Salisbury steak, potatoes, and hot roll all the way to the table in the very back of the room? Only he trips and falls before he gets there and, when he stands up, hes got cream gravy in his shirt pocket and green beans where his eyebrows should be?

Im that kid.

My name is Howard Boward (yeah, thanks Mom and Dad), but most people just call me How. Well, not just How, they call me How Weird, or How Lame, or How Did You Get That Chair? Its Saved! Things like that. Until a few weeks ago, I was more of a Who (Whos the dork by the water fountain?), a What (What is wrong with that kid?) or a Why (Why is he wearing a unitard?). So, when you think about it, the fact that I am now a How is kind of a step up.

Not a giant step or anything. You can only go so far up the popularity ladder when half the seventh grade has seen you running down the hall in a unitardwhich, for the record, was part of an experiment I was doing on invisibility. My hypothesis was correct: unitards cure invisibility.

Ive actually created a chart of the popularity ladder and I fall somewhere between gym-class asthmatic and that dog that bit Vice Principal Hertz. Its not as bad as it sounds. A lot of people love that dog.

The point is, its become increasingly apparent I need to improve my social status. And I need to do it fast because, in middle school, being unpopular is like having a disease. Symptoms include fear, loneliness, wedgies, and a sudden, unexplained loss of your lunch money. If you think you may be experiencing unpopularity, ask your bully if daily beatings are right for you.

Im kidding! You cant ask a bully to cure a disease. Bullies are the disease! And Dolley Madison Middle School (Go Manatees!) is the center of the epidemic. I should know, Im like candy to those people. Its weirdtheres just something about me that attracts the big, brainless, and angry. Id like to say its my sparkling personality, but since the only thing about me that sparkles are my braces, its probably one of these things:

Im built for it. If they ever make a movie about those rubber stick figures that have bodies like pencils and flexible, spindly arms, Hollywood will knock at my door.

Somewhere behind the massive construction project in my mouth are the remains of my original teeth. Im told Ill probably have a magnificent smile someday. I just cant imagine why Id ever use it.

I have G.A.S. (Goosebumps Addictive Syndrome). I am totally addicted to the Goosebumps novels by R.L. Stine. I read them in the bathroom at school because, when I get to the scary parts, I tend to scream. This is a completely involuntary response. Coincidentally, pretty much the whole school thinks I have some painful digestive-disorder, though Ive told them repeatedly, No, I have G.A.S. This doesnt help.

I use big words like digitibulist when I could just say thimble collector.

I am a digitibulist.

My hair is cotton white and stands bolt-upright on the top of my head so that I constantly look like Ive been frightened by a creature in an Abbott and Costello movie.

I watch Abbott and Costello movies.

I have nerdism, a condition that requires me to love science and wear bulky, un-cool eyeglasses.

The other kids are all jealous of me. (This one is kind of a long shot but it makes the list come out with ten items. I like to list things in groups of exactly ten.)

I am smart.

Number 10 is the worst offense, and the one most responsible for my problem. See, your average bully can smell a big, juicy brain from up to three blocks away. Thats bad news for me. Imagine roaming through a pack of wild dogs with bacon in your head.

(FYI, I dont actually know what a brain smells like. But intelligence smells like bacon.)

Now, about the incident I guess it would be easy to blame what happened in the fall of seventh grade on the bullies, but I wont. No one made me do what I did. Everything that went wrong, and all the madness that came from it, is my responsibility. Judge me as you will.

All I ask is that you keep in mind I am only twelve years old, I had a ton of homework, and these were my first monsters.