Livia Day [Day - Keep Calm and Kill the Chef

I.

by Livia Day

Book three in the Caf La Femme series

Remember Caf Wars? YouTube sensation Cameron #ToffeeShark Crewe is about to make his Internet comeback. Crewes tea bar chain Teasperience hit the rocks last year with a series of calamities: a sexual harassment suit that cost bad boy Crewe over $500,000 in legal costs and damages, arson attacks on two of their three Sydney outlets, and Crewes legendary meltdown on live TV when his name was spelled wrong on a banner at the Melbourne Good Food Expo.

Now Cameron Crewe returns with a new series of his long-abandoned cult YouTube hit, in which he pits real cafs against each other in a series of elaborate challenges designed to drive the chefs, their employees and their customers into emotional breakdowns for the sake of cheesy clickbait.

After distancing himself from the #ToffeeShark label and his YouTube fandom when the first Teasperience bar opened its doors three years ago, Crewe appears to be climbing down off his profiterole tower to recharge his reputation as the angriest dessert chef in the business. Instead of pitting himself against the zillions of copycat shows based around Melbourne or Sydney food culture, hes heading for micro-city Hobart to set up a pop up Teasperience store and a brand new series of Caf Wars.

Crewes made a few smart choices this time around: Hobart has a reputation as a trendsetter location for cafs, art and culture, but we still rarely see it on mainstream TV. He has also pulled in the Queen of the Twitterverse, Kari Nagarra as host to give his new series some cred. Everyones been wondering what Nagarras next project would be after she made the shift from one hit wonder pop star and Indigenous affairs advocate to Young Australian of the Year and radio personality.

Is this too little, too late, to restore the #ToffeeShark to the top of the culinary food chain? Crewe launched the trend for Angry Dessert Chefs on Australian TV, but since he posted his last vid, our airwaves and bandwidth have filled with so-called food celebrities hurling pavlovas and hot toffee strands at their assistants. Short of inspiring actual homicide, how is Crewe going to raise the bar to prove hes still the maddest, baddest anti-cinnamon roll in the business?

Well be watching.

H i, Im Tabitha Darling of Caf La Femme, and were going to win Caf Wars.

Ever said the same words so many times that they spiral into nonsense syllables until it feels like youre saying engineer cupcake files, my Sharona, stat?

Making a video for the Internet is a lot like that. My smile is so bright it makes my cheeks ache, my sincerity is waning, and Ive forgotten how to speak make good.

Can you say it slightly less like you want to murder us all and turn us into lunch surprise? asks Lara, from behind the camera.

I was going for less murderous! I protest. Yui, where are you going?

One barista holds the iPad steady while arguing with me, and the other does her best to hide behind furniture. Do I have to be in shot? Yui asks, embarrassed.

It needs to look like I have actual staff, I say sternly. Nin has threatened to quit if I put a camera in her face, the boy apprentice is visiting his probation officer, and Lara is holding the iPad. Also I really like what you did with your hair today.

Yui is trapped somewhere between pleased and outraged, which is the balance I strive for with baristas. Keep em confused and theyre less likely to apply for jobs elsewhere. Im not even lying about the hair she added aqua tufts to her usual shiny black locks that look arty and adorable.

You can hold the iPad if you like, Yui, says Lara generously. She gives me a dirty look. My hair also looks super cute today, thanks for noticing.

I never said it didnt. The two of them swap places with far more hand-touching and secret-smiling than is required. They think theyre so subtle about the enormous crushes they have on each other.

I grin until it hurts. Hi, Im Tabitha Darling of Caf La Femme, and were going to win Caf Wars.

* * *

Hey, Tabitha, says the producer with a warm smile on her first visit to my caf. Im Kari Nagarra, and this is Tom, our camera operator.

I smile back and shake hands with them both, trying not to squee too embarrassingly loud about Karis celebrity status. Weve emailed and texted over the last few weeks, but seeing a famous face in person is a shock no matter how many emoticons youve shared.

Kari and Tom each have two scarves wrapped around their necks and giant puffy parkas, like theyre about to set out for Antarctica. Its not even snowing on the mountain yet. Mainlanders.

Im looking forward to this, I say as Tom sets up his equipment in a corner of the caf. Its going to be fun.

Yeah, fun, he mutters in an undertone.

My smile falters a little. Im sorry?

Dont mind Tom, says Kari quickly. Hes jaded because of over-exposure to our celebrity chef. Weve already filmed with the other two cafs today. Speaking of which, I have a checklist I like to go through for people wholl be working with Chef Crewe.

Okay, shoot, I tell her. But FYI, one of my best friends used to date him. I am prepared for his personality.

Kari raises a dark, perfectly plucked eyebrow. Have you met him?

No.

Youre not fully prepared, then. Bear with me. Chef Crewes brand is all about shock value, so dont hold back your reactions if he says something jaw-droppingly offensive.

When, butts in Tom.

Oh, yes, good point. When he says something jaw-droppingly offensive.

O-kay.

If its extra horrendous, we probably wont air it. That doesnt mean that we cant use your reaction shot, so dont feel you have to laugh at his jokes or pretend everythings fine.

Righto.

Kari leans in, her face deadly serious. No one expects you to laugh at his jokes. Theyre never funny.

Got it.

Please resist slapping him in the face, or engaging in any kind of physical contact, regardless of the provocation

Im not really a face-slapper. Hair-puller, yes.

Good for you. Still, the urge will be there. Fight it. Is she trolling me now?

Ill prepare myself, I assure her.

Not that it wouldnt make great footage, but hes successfully sued two previous contestants for unwarranted physical violence, and his lawyers are paid exceptionally well to define the word unwarranted at a moments notice.

Youch. Ill keep that in mind.

I find it helpful to keep all stabby objects out of reach when hes talking.

Do cake pops count as stabby objects?