Lily Allen - My Thoughts Exactly

Published by Blink Publishing

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Chelsea Harbour,

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Hardback 978-1-911-600-89-3

Trade paperback 978-1-911-600-90-9

Ebook 978-1-911-600-92-3

All rights reserved. No part of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or circulated in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission in writing of the publisher.

A CIP catalogue of this book is available from the British Library.

Typeset by Envy Design

Endpaper design Steve Leard Copyright Lily Allen, 2018

Lily Allen has asserted her moral right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Every reasonable effort has been made to trace copyright holders of material reproduced in this book, but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to hear from them.

Blink Publishing is an imprint of Bonnier Books UK

www.bonnierbooks.co.uk

George, Ethel & Marnie

F irst, a few facts. Theyre important, because this isnt a normal memoir where you find everything out in the order that it happened. Im too young to write my life story and Ive got no interest in remembering event after event after event. This is how much of this book would read if I did that:

Got up. Hair. Make-up. Clothes. Studio shoot performance. Emails. Went out performed worked partied. Got on aeroplane tour bus / in car. Did it all again, then again. And again. Cycle interrupted by birthing and looking after children before doing it all again.

To a degree.

Its the degree Im interested in: the things in my life that changed events, upended things, upset the cart. Sometimes, these were external events I had no control over: my son, George, was born three months prematurely, but had already died inside me; I was stalked for seven years and felt my life threatened by someone with a severe mental illness, then witnessed his trial Ive been through episodes of mental ill-health myself, so I felt for him despite what he did to me, as its no fucking picnic; Ive been sexually harassed as an adult by someone in a position of power and whom I trusted; and I was taken advantage of sexually as a young teenager by men who should have known better. Turns out, its an all-too-common experience. (Me too.)

Sometimes it was me, myself, who wreaked havoc on my own life, as youll see. (Self-destructive.)

By contrast, some of the things that have changed my life have been more joyous than I could ever have imagined. I have two daughters, Ethel and Marnie. Ive had success in a career known for its ruthlessness, and which thrives by rejecting most of its applicants, eschews internships and dispenses with training. But Ive found a path through it. Ive been showered with kindness and generosity. Ive been spoilt. Ive been invited everywhere, made to feel welcome, and Ive often been applauded sometimes by tens of thousands of people. Ive played the Pyramid Stage at the Glastonbury Festival, not once but three times. (Get me.)

But the same industry that rewarded me has also been punitive. This is not a complaint (not here, anyway), but a fact. Ill explain more as we go along. Ive been bullied and pilloried and humiliated, in public, by the press. The tabloids, as we all know well, especially after the Leveson Inquiry, operate on a venal, pernicious, dishonest and abusive basis. Young people, women especially, are easy fodder for them to bully, especially when we are new to fame and success, and a bit puffed up with the novelty of it all, while still being nave and easily bruised, quick to take offence and easy to bait. Ive taken the bait sometimes. Ive learned some difficult lessons, and made a load of mistakes, but Ive also been spied on and followed and had my words twisted into lies, and that has been paralysing and isolating.

Ive made friends through work and lost them. But Ive also got friends Ive had since I was a small child. That is a blessing. In fact, mostly Ive been surrounded by love, even when Ive felt profoundly unlovable. We all live with shadows. Mine have been magnified somewhat because Im in the public eye, but I dont claim them to be darker than anyone elses its just that I can only talk about my own, and at times theyve felt pitch-black. Sometimes, I made them darker than they needed to be, but it can be hard to let the light in when youre troubled. Ive been troubled.

This is the story of all those times, and my thoughts about them. Its not a straight memoir. Its not even a straight story. Is any?

It is my story. Its entirely true to me but I dont claim it to be the only truth. For example, my brother will have his own version of events, even though we were born sixteen months apart and grew up next to each other. So will my ex-husband, even though we were together for six years, much of that time happily, and had three children together, and had to bury one. We bring up our daughters together, still.

So, this is me. I am Lily Allen. I was born in 1985. Im a songwriter and a singer, a mother, daughter, sister, home-maker. I was once a wife. Im someones girlfriend. That someone is called Dan, and hes a musician, too. Im an activist socially and politically. Im a tweeter. Im a Labour voter. Im a writer. Ive been a success and a failure. Im unqualified and mostly self-taught. I didnt go to university, didnt do A-levels, didnt sit a single GCSE.

I didnt grow up in a particularly musical household, but performance was always around me; the media world was never a special or glamorous beacon, but my norm. My mum, Alison Owen, is a film producer. My dad, Keith Allen, is an actor, comedian and documentary maker. My step-dad for a time was the comedian, Harry Enfield. Ive got an older half-sister called Sarah; a younger brother, Alfie; and a much younger half-sister called Teddie. (I have other half-siblings, too, but I dont know them or even know how many there might be not a straight story.) My first boyfriend was Lester. My best friend is Seb, and we now work together, too. Hes a music producer. The man I married is called Sam Cooper, and he has a building company. We separated in the autumn of 2015.

I grew up going to Glastonbury and the Groucho Club. My dad was part of the Britpop scene, getting publicly loaded with his friends Damien Hirst, Alex James and others. Drugs and alcohol have been part of my white noise always around me for as long as I can remember. I have used both, sometimes to excess, and although Ive been to NA and AA meetings and have had sober periods of my life, I am not a recovering alcoholic or drug addict. I do, however, suffer with depression. (Not a straight story.)

I did go to various private schools, as well as state ones, but didnt stay at any of them for very long, so Im not a product of any one particular system or institution. I started singing as a child at school, but discovered music as a young teenager and kept it close to me from then on. I read. I keep notebooks. Ive got a good eye. I collect textiles, love colour, and decorating or doing up a house doesnt faze me at all. I exercise but Im not a natural athlete. Im a swimmer. Im strong. I can be tough. Ive been broken. Im opinionated. Im a people-pleaser. Im a narcissist. Im co-dependent. I dont always like being alone, though equally there are times when I cant bear company. Im spoilt. Im needy. I can be a hypocrite. I contradict myself. I can be cold.