Amy Jones - The To-Do List and Other Debacles

Put washing on

Brunch with girls

Pick up meds

Monthly reflections

Hang washing up

Pay energy bills

or at least open them

or at least check out prices for other energy providers

or at least look at other providers

Yoga? To calm down after all the energy stuff?

Do online shop

Make sure to get decaff tea on online shop

Do some mindful baking

Clean kitchen to calm down from the stress of mindful baking

Write mental health newsletter on coping better (ahahahahahaha!)

If I had to pick an ideal time to write a To-Do List, I thought, as I sat cross-legged on my bed in my pants and a bra bought three years earlier when I was a few pay rises poorer and several stone lighter, this would not be it. Twenty minutes before Id been in a hot shower and ten minutes ago, frantically blow-drying my hair, so now my face was sore, pink and shiny from all the heat. I was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, thanks to the heat of the blow-dryer and the stress of getting ready, and my shocking mop of badly dried, frizzy hair was sticking to the back of my neck. Yet, there I was, tapping away on the Notes app on my phone. This was the cage I had built for myself, so I might as well make the most of it.

See, I live according to lists. I keep lists of books Ive read, books I want to read, films I want to watch, recipes I want to make, presents Ive given and presents received, potential future baby and pet names, restaurants to try, clothes I want, annual goals, and probably a few other ones Ive forgotten. I should start a list, really, so that I can remember them all. The lists I cherish most are my To-Do Lists little lifebuoys that keep me afloat. I used to imagine Id forgotten vital things and that I wouldnt be able to remember Id forgotten them until it was too late and the world was falling apart around my shoulders. I would panic about the things I was supposed to do on Monday and hadnt had time for: how on earth was I going to remember to do them on Tuesday with all of Tuesdays tasks to think about? Id get ideas for one task or project midway through another and completely forget about it until I was just about to fall asleep, when itd burst out in front of me and Id come out in a cold sweat with the stress of having forgotten it in the first place. Theres so much going on in my head that one brain is not enough to keep track of it all.

To-Do Lists made all of this nonsense better. Now, I can make neat lists of everything I have to do, from washing my hair to finishing a report on time, and even if my stupid, broken brain forgets something, my Notes app will keep it safe for me. If its on my list, I dont have to worry about it Im already halfway there. And, yknow, theres that little rush you get when you tap the checkbox and the item disappears. A tiny little rush, a little sparkle in my chest, and I can do it whenever I want with no consequences. Some people do drugs, I add things to a To-Do List just so I can tick them off. And whos having more fun, really? If Frank had told all those kids about To-Do Lists, the war on drugs wouldnt be necessary.

Which brings us back to me, on my bed, in my pants. I was panicking about having to leave the house, which is why it was necessary for me to make a list now. I needed to feel grounded, in control, and I needed a quick win to boost me out the door. As I scanned the room wildly for something to add to the list, I spotted yesterdays jeans crumpled inside-out in a corner. Yesterdays red knickers were still wrapped around the bum, like something Superman might wear on dress-down Friday. I wrinkled my nose at myself: Thats one thing I could do, then: put the washing on.

What else, what else ? I mentally scanned the day: brunch with girls. Now, that could go on. I needed to pick up my medication. And that reminded me, I should do all that self-care stuff Id been meaning to do yoga, mindful baking, planning ahead. And I should hang the washing up once its finished in the machine. What else? I checked yesterdays list and felt an ice cube slide unpleasantly down my throat and melt in my chest: energy bills. I really needed to sort out the energy bills

Dont judge, but at that point I hadnt paid my energy bills in two years. I thought about this every time I opened my email and saw a line of unopened emails, all with the placid subject line Your latest energy bill is now ready. They were all so bastarding polite! That only made it worse. Its like my mums face popped out of the screen, sighed, and said, Im not angry at you, Im just disappointed Ive managed to raise such a dysfunctional human being. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina you turned out to be!

Just to reassure you that Im not a dysfunctional human, about to ask you to donate to my Kickstarter, Im up to date on every other bill: council tax, water, TV licence, even the house insurance. Im responsible enough to pay extra for comprehensive contents insurance, but not to make sure I can keep the heating on. While theres every chance soon I wont be able to turn my TV on in order to watch it, at least I know Im covered if someone tries to nick it.

In my defence this situation arose when I moved into my new flat just over two years ago. I trusted those stupid meerkats and tried to find a cheaper deal online, but ended up fighting online with my supplier for three months about a contract that I (a) didnt sign up for, (b) didnt want, and (c) they wouldnt let me out of. Theres only so many three-hour crying fits down a phone to some scared-sounding bloke called Nelson you can have before you give up and accept your fate, you know? There was food to eat and Gilmore Girls to watch; life is too short to fight off all the shit coming your way. This was the shit I was going to let slide.

It didnt help that all this happened around the same time my sanity took an alarming nosedive. This happens fairly regularly as Im a bit mad, but this was a