Kristen Doute - Hes Making You Crazy: How to Get the Guy, Get Even, and Get Over It

If theres one thing I know, its crazy.

A lot of people have called me crazy. Crazy Kristen! For a while there, it was practically my name. Women all over the world get called crazy every day. But we werent born crazywe were made crazy.

Unpacking the ups and downs of Kristens laugh-out-loud funny, sometimes cringe-worthy dating history, Hes Making You Crazy will hold your hand through deep self-reflectionwhile giving you that push to put on your detectives hat and hack your mans email account if you need to. From trapping your boyfriend in ridiculous lies to gathering all your crushs security question answers on the first date, Kristen shares her no-holds-barred, hysterically funny, and hard-earned advice on men, love, and modern dating.

Hes Making You Crazy will give you the motivation you need to get out of an unhealthy relationship (the one thats making you crazy!), the wisdom to step up and admit when youre the one in the wrong, and the courage to keep your heart open through it all.

Copyright 2020 by Kristen Doute and Michele Alexander

All rights reserved

Published by Chicago Review Press Incorporated

814 North Franklin Street

Chicago, Illinois 60610

ISBN 978-1-64160-379-9

Library of Congress LCCN: 2020932405

Interior design: Sarah Olson

Printed in the United States of America

5 4 3 2 1

To the guys that made me crazy.

And to my mom, for being a badass and undercover crazy.

IF THERES ONE THING I know, its crazy. A lot of people have called me crazy. Crazy Kristen! For a while there, it was practically my name. Women all over the world get called crazy every day. But we werent born crazywe were made crazy. Its true, and I have plenty of stories to prove it. My turbulent dating history has brought me an abundance of peaks and valleys, but I didnt get there on my own. Crazy is a two-person job.

We start out as innocent, glowing little girls, full of sugar and spice and everything nice. Boys are gross because theyre just our buddies, until one day theyre not so gross anymore, and were doodling hearts in our notebooks, adding their last name to ours. We always think the first guy we date is the one were going to marry. Hell, we think every guy we date is the one were going to marry! It just doesnt ever end up that way, and each new disappointment drives you a little bit crazier.

Some guysmost every guy Ive had the pleasure of datingwere masters of manipulation. They would gaslight me and play champion jujitsu-level mind games. They could instantaneously make me feel insecure, second-guess myself, and provoke me to (severely) overreact. This only made me feel needier, more codependent, more emotional, and yes, even crazy.

You may not think you need or even want any advice on relationships from someone like me, but trust me: with my long history of bad decisions, bad breakups, and the occasional melt-down in the wake of those breakups, you will definitely at least learn from my mistakes what not to do.

Possibly contrary to popular belief, I take full responsibility for my life. Im here to poke a little fun at myself and, more important, at all these guys who were dismissive of my feelings, downplayed everything they had ever done, made me feel ridiculous for being upset, and accused me of being too dramatic. Weve all been through it, and some of my stories are definitely yours too.

Were all familiar with the nature-versus-nurture debate from high school, but let me break it down for you when it comes to relationships between men and women:

NATURE:Maybe we, as women, can be a bit erratic, a bit overly analytical, a bit irrational.

NURTURE:He is making us crazy. The lies, the late nights, the laziness, the liesdid I already say the lies? And its not just one He; its a lot of them, over years and years. The glorification of being in the perfect relationship makes us crazy. The romanticization of being with the perfect guy makes us crazy. And the impossibility of both makes us crazier.

Its nurture that really does the trick.

Ladies, think about your first crush. It probably didnt end well, unless youre married to him now, in which case: congratu-fucking-lations. Please gift this glorious read to all of your single friends. You are a unicorn.

Guys, this book is also for you. Im not here to go psycho because you call me crazy. Im here to own my crazyand to gently explain to you why its mostly your fault. You might not like taking the heat for what youve done, but in the end can you blame us?

Deep down, you love crazy bitches.

LETS START HERE: I was born tall.

I think I was at full-grown, five-foot-nine, Amazonian stature at the age of thirteen. I wasnt insecure about it; I was a self-confident young lady, still raising my hand in class assertively. You see, in middle school the battle of the sexes is extremely lopsided: Girls run the world. Boys are scared of us. They are just beginning to like us, and they dont know what to do about it. At that age, for a brief moment, we hold all the cards; just a tiny hint of boobs gives us major power.

This dynamic changes fairly quickly as we go through life, facing challenges, breakups, assholes, and losers, and suddenly that untouched self-esteem is out the window. I wish I had known then what I know now, and held on to that inconceivable feeling of power for a little while longer. Unfortunately power doesnt always come with wisdom.

I was in Ms. Sheltons language arts class when I heard that the most popular girl in our grade had just had her first kiss during Mr. Jeffersons PE class. I now had a mission: it was time for my first kiss. I was thirteena teenager!and I was ready.

He was the most popular guy in our class and he was the chosen one, whether he liked it or not. He was short, much shorter than meIm talking tiny, adorable little pip-squeak short. I didnt care, dammit. This Mr. Petite was going to be mine by the end of the school day. I enlisted my BFF to make the rounds with me past his locker between classes. I waited until the bell rang and slipped a note in his locker, sealed with a Lip Smackerflavored kiss.

Do you want to be my first kiss? Check YES or YES. I was confident it would be yes. See you after school. Be there or be square.