Mori Taheripour - Bring Yourself: How to Harness the Power of Connection to Negotiate Fearlessly

In a recent class at Wharton, where I teach negotiation, I paired students up and, as usual, gave them a negotiation exercise wherein they each had a role to play. I sent them off to reach a deal in thirty minutes. One participant plays a contractor who is hired to remodel a clients bathroom. The other student plays the client, whos dissatisfied with the contractor because of several missed appointments. When the contractor finally shows up, he uses the wrong kind of tile. The client actually prefers the wrong tile. Nevertheless, she wants a 50 percent discount for the work while the contractor expects to be paid in full.

I was surprised to see that one teamBrett and Angelareturned to class after ten minutes without a deal. Its not unusual for students to reach a stalemate, but they usually spend all thirty minutes trying to find a compromise.

By this point in the semester, students had developed reputations. Brett, who played the contractor, was a highly competitive, win-at-all-costs type of negotiator. He was headed to a banking job in Manhattan after graduation, and the guy oozed confidence. Angela, who played the client, was far less tough and had always been more collaborative in class. She was always friendly, but fairly quiet. This was the first time in class when she didnt get to a deal, so I was a bit surprised.

It turned out neither one thought they could find a solution without the other person losing. They believed that the deal had no positive bargaining zonea term used to describe the opportunity to identify shared interests, allowing negotiators to find common ground and compromise. Brett and Angela concluded that there was no positive bargaining zone early and decided not to waste any more time going back and forth. They agreed to resort to legal action, which is the last option in this particular case.

Brett and Angela were surprised when their classmates trickled in near the end of the time limit, reporting favorable results of their deals. It became clear that this exercise had many possible unique outcomes that made sense for both the contractor and the client. What happened? What had they missed?

Brett was upset because the outcome reaffirmed his reputation as a difficult person. Angela was upset because shed let her fear and anxiety get the best of her. She planned to go into the male-dominated field of commercial real estate and considered the exercise practice for how not to back down to someone like Brett. At the outset of the exercise when she was first paired with Brett, she told herself, Nice guys finish last, and tough negotiators win.

So what do you get when you put a fiercely competitive and uncompromising negotiator together with one who is acting like an equally competitive and uncompromising negotiator? Deadlock. A lose-lose outcome.

This isnt always the case between two genuinely competitive negotiators. Sure, sometimes it ends up in deadlock, but thats true in any negotiation. But when youre just pretending to be competitive, youre not going to get your best deal. You must bring the best version of yourself to get the best deal. The fact that Angela was pretending to be someone who she wasnttough as nailsinstead of using her authentic strength changed the dynamic of the conversation.

I see this pitfall all the time. People like Angela, who are more accommodating in their negotiation style, often try to change. They try to take on a more aggressive persona because they believe competitive negotiators are often the winners and the nice guys always lose. They think they have to be uber aggressive, like Kevin OLeary on Shark Tank or sports agent Drew Rosenhaus. They blame their disappointment in negotiation results on the fact that they arent tough enough. Its a reasonable position, born from eons of social conditioning that says if you encounter a bully on a playground, act tougher than you are. But when you do, youre so busy trying to keep track of your alternate personality that youre less comfortable maneuvering and pivoting as the negotiation demands. Too much pretense doesnt allow for clarity of thought or allow you to be truly present. There are ways to deal with negotiators who bully, and the most powerful among them is understanding your leverage. Negotiating well does not involve pretending to be like them.

The truth is that anyone can be a good negotiator, no matter what their bargaining style or personality. If you blame your negotiation style for the fact that youre not achieving your desired outcomes, and take on a different persona, theres a strong chance that it will backfire on you. When tensions are high, you tend to revert to whats most comfortable and recognizableyou become more of yourself, not less. Maybe you bluster, like Angela, but the act doesnt land because ultimately you are who you are. Outwardly, youve now shown what looks like a split personality. Its the gotcha moment for the other side.

Ive taught negotiation to nearly five thousand students over the past fifteen years. I teach both undergraduates and graduate students at Wharton, and I teach entrepreneurs in the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses programwhich is similar to an executive MBA program for small business owners. Ive taught in New Orleans, Detroit, New York, and Providence, to name just a few of the cities I visit regularly. Ive taught women living in Cairo, banking executives, Chinese real estate investors, nurses, NFL players, and sports agents. And most of them look confused when I talk about the importance of first really knowing yourself and bringing that person to the bargaining table, which I emphasized when we debriefed Brett and Angelas negotiation in class.