Annabelle Gurwitch - Fired!: Tales of the Canned, Canceled, Downsized, and Dismissed

Contents

Introduction

Who Came Up with the Phrase Youre fired?

Chapter 1

The Job So Terrible You Can Only Hope to Be Fired

Thats a Fact by Andy Borowitz

The Big Red Shoe Diaries by Paul Feig

Bimmy in Training by Larry Charles

The Snuggery by Eric Gilliland

Bruce Cameron Remodels Your Redundancy

Dont Call Me, Ill Call You by Judy Gold

Poor Judgment by Illeana Douglas

Number One Pooper-Scooper by Robert Reich

Nesting by Jessica van der Valk

When Children Fire You by Ian Gomez

Chapter 2

The Firing You Didnt See Coming

The Little Fuck That Could by Sandra Tsing Loh

Extra! Extra! by Brian Unger

Schadenfreude by Anne Meara

Sent to Cyberia by Lori Gottlieb

Harry Shearer Minds His Credibility Gap

Fired by the Queen and Dumped by Trump by Joyce Beber

Felicity Huffman on Popping Your Cherry

Dead Man Working by Jason Kravits

The Do-Bee by Martha McCully

David Cross Might Just Be Too Big

Mauve by Jack Merrill

Fried by Hillary Carlip

One of Them Stories by Tate Donovan

Steak Today by Wildman Weiner

Substandard Performance by Anonymous

Dahling, Its Eva Gabor by Glenn Rosenblum

Chapter 3

The Time You Deserved to Be Fired

Video, Video by Paul F. Tompkins

Short Ends by Jonathan Groff

Crimes and Mythdemeanors by Annabelle Gurwitch

That Garlin Boy: An Interview with Jeff Garlin

Right On! by Jill Soloway

Friendless by Fisher Stevens

Bill Maher: Warm Body Telling Jokes

The Postman Never Rings Twice by Richard Colburn

Ba-looney Tunes by Matt Walsh

Grrl Genius Gets Canned by Cathryn Michon

All Those Parts by Shirley Gurwitch

Chapter 4

The Time Getting Fired Leads You to Something Better

Patricia Heaton Hopes You Enjoy Your Stay

Jimmy the Idiot by Dana Gould

The Worlds Worst Waiter by Jeff Kahn

Ill Knock Your Block Off by Andy Dick

Bob Saget Doesnt Sit Here Anymore

Can You Get Fired If You Arent Being Paid? by Morgan Spurlock

I Was the Master by Tim Allen

Madison Scare Garden by Elizabeth Warner

D. L. Hughley: Lot and Lobby to Late Night

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service by Maxine Lapiduss

But Wed Love to Work with You Again by Judd Apatow

Shock and Remorse by Lilly Anderson

Chapter 5

The Time You Had to Fire Yourself

A Thoroughly Modern Firing by Tonya Pinkins

Remembrance of Porn Past by Scott Carter

Last Shift at the Fetish Deli by Mark Haskell Smith

Attractive in a Bad Way by Rob Cohen

Cappis Pizza and Sangweech Shop by Carl Capotorto

No More Rain Days by Janet M. Lorenz

Recipe for the Recently Redundant by Walter Scheib

The Fired Song by Roy Zimmerman

The Letter You Wish Youd Sent to Your Boss! Now You Can!

Notes

Acknowledgments

TOUCHSTONE

Rockefeller Center

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

Copyright 2006 by Annabelle Gurwitch

All rights reserved,

including the right of reproduction

in whole or in part in any form.

TOUCHSTONEand colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Designed by Diane Hobbing ofSNAP-HAUS Graphics

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gurwitch, Annabelle.

Fired! : tales of the canned, canceled, downsized and dismissed / written and edited by Annabelle Gurwitch.

p. cm.

1. EmployeesDismissal ofHumor. I. Title.

HF5549.5.D55G87 2006

650.10207dc22 2005057591

ISBN: 0-7432-9760-1

Visit us on the World Wide Web:

http://www.SimonSays.com

For my guys Jeff and Ezra Kahn,

who havent fired me yet

Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.

Truman Capote

If at first you dont succeed, failure may be your style.

Quentin Crisp

Contents

Introduction

Who Came Up with the Phrase Youre fired?

Chapter 1

The Job So Terrible You Can Only Hope to Be Fired

Thats a Fact by Andy Borowitz

The Big Red Shoe Diaries by Paul Feig

Bimmy in Training by Larry Charles

The Snuggery by Eric Gilliland

Bruce Cameron Remodels Your Redundancy

Dont Call Me, Ill Call You by Judy Gold

Poor Judgment by Illeana Douglas

Number One Pooper-Scooper by Robert Reich

Nesting by Jessica van der Valk

When Children Fire You by Ian Gomez

Chapter 2

The Firing You Didnt See Coming

The Little Fuck That Could by Sandra Tsing Loh

Extra! Extra! by Brian Unger

Schadenfreude by Anne Meara

Sent to Cyberia by Lori Gottlieb

Harry Shearer Minds His Credibility Gap

Fired by the Queen and Dumped by Trump by Joyce Beber

Felicity Huffman on Popping Your Cherry

Dead Man Working by Jason Kravits

The Do-Bee by Martha McCully

David Cross Might Just Be Too Big

Mauve by Jack Merrill

Fried by Hillary Carlip

One of Them Stories by Tate Donovan

Steak Today by Wildman Weiner

Substandard Performance by Anonymous

Dahling, Its Eva Gabor by Glenn Rosenblum

Chapter 3

The Time You Deserved to Be Fired

Video, Video by Paul F. Tompkins

Short Ends by Jonathan Groff

Crimes and Mythdemeanors by Annabelle Gurwitch

That Garlin Boy: An Interview with Jeff Garlin

Right On! by Jill Soloway

Friendless by Fisher Stevens

Bill Maher: Warm Body Telling Jokes

The Postman Never Rings Twice by Richard Colburn

Ba-looney Tunes by Matt Walsh

Grrl Genius Gets Canned by Cathryn Michon

All Those Parts by Shirley Gurwitch

Chapter 4

The Time Getting Fired Leads You to Something Better

Patricia Heaton Hopes You Enjoy Your Stay

Jimmy the Idiot by Dana Gould

The Worlds Worst Waiter by Jeff Kahn

Ill Knock Your Block Off by Andy Dick

Bob Saget Doesnt Sit Here Anymore

Can You Get Fired If You Arent Being Paid? by Morgan Spurlock

I Was the Master by Tim Allen

Madison Scare Garden by Elizabeth Warner

D. L. Hughley: Lot and Lobby to Late Night

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service by Maxine Lapiduss

But Wed Love to Work with You Again by Judd Apatow

Shock and Remorse by Lilly Anderson

Chapter 5

The Time You Had to Fire Yourself

A Thoroughly Modern Firing by Tonya Pinkins

Remembrance of Porn Past by Scott Carter

Last Shift at the Fetish Deli by Mark Haskell Smith

Attractive in a Bad Way by Rob Cohen

Cappis Pizza and Sangweech Shop by Carl Capotorto

No More Rain Days by Janet M. Lorenz

Recipe for the Recently Redundant by Walter Scheib

The Fired Song by Roy Zimmerman

The Letter You Wish Youd Sent to Your Boss! Now You Can!

Notes

Acknowledgments

Introduction

I didnt want to write this book. If you had told me that one day I was going to be hired and then fired by my idol Woody Allen, I would have jumped from a six-story building to avoid the pain and disappointment. Then if you had told me that because of this experience, I would learn invaluable lessons and grow as a person, I would have jumped from a twelve-story building. Who wants more character-defining experiences! Havent I grown enough? Apparently not.

In 2003 I was fired from a much-anticipated off-Broadway production. I was completely crushed. I felt humiliated and ashamed. I felt I had two choices: permanently assume the fetal position or go in the other direction and share my experience. I chose the latter and soon greeted everyone from my gynecologist to the lady at the dry cleaners with Hi, I was just fired by Woody Allen. Well, as it turned out, nothing bored my five-year-old son more than an account of being fired by a cultural icon; however, the response from others was quite different. Friends in the industry assured me that they too had been fired and proceeded to relate their stories. Their humor and insight and generosity consoled me. So I began collecting these tales of jobs gone bad.