Byron Crawford - Writin Dirty

By Byron Crawford

Copyright 2014 Byron Crawford

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4/3/06

Pseudo intelligent music critics, whomake their living patronizing certain elements in the blackcommunity, like to claim that backpackers are the most annoyinggroup of fans in hip-hop. Im going to go out on a limb here andsuggest that the true most annoying group of fans in hip-hop (otherthan, of course, women) are fans of southern hip-hop.

The knock against backpackers seems tobe that theyre boring and negative. They spend too much timetelling you what theyre against rather than actually telling youwhat theyre for. Many of them even have the sheer balls to suggesthip-hop is not nearly as good as it used to be.

For business purposes, hip-hop cantappear any better or worse during any given year, at least untilthe TIs find something to replace it. Reggaeton,perhaps?

Southern rap fans, meanwhile, make ita point to draw no distinction between the best and the worst theirparticular segment of the hip-hop community has to offer. They maynot actually pretend to like Laffy Taffy, but theyll be quick tocall your ass a bigot if you suggest that its arguably historysgreatest abortion in musical form.

And they all rallied around Pimp C asif he was Leonard Peltier or somebody, but come to find out he canhardly rap. Is everybody aware that he was locked up for pullingout a gun on a woman in a mall? Personally, I dont find hisrelease fair to all the rest of us men who have resisted the urgeto commit an act of violence against a woman.

As far as Im concerned, his assshould go back to jail. Wheres the hip-hop feminism community whenyou need them? Wait, does this constitute snitching, or would ithave to be your sister or something? I generally advocate stayingout of another couples business, even if it is in a public placesuch as a mall.

I can understand that this is thefirst time their communities have produced anything the criticalestablishment even pretended to like since the heyday of BlindMelon and Better than Ezra (UGK fans, do your homework), but Imnot going to sit here and pretend to like something I dont reallylike, especially if I have no financial stake in thematter.

The truth of the matter is that thesouthern rap of today, both in its style of rappin and especiallyits beats, bears very little relation to the hip-hop most of usgrew up listening to. In that sense, its not unlike disco was torock music in the late 70s. Interestingly enough, disco artistsalso tried to cry racism when rock fans burned disco albums on thefield at Chicagos Comiskey Park.

In 2006, southern rap is the style ofrap music that the tall Israelis who run the music industry havedecided to promote, to the detriment of all other styles of rapmusic. Therefore, not unlike the Mexicans who think theyreretaking Americas Southwest, fans of southern rap no longer haveany legitimate claim that theyre being discriminatedagainst.

5/16/06

New Rule: If black women want theircomplaints about misogyny in hip-hop taken seriously, they shouldgo on a diet.

In all of the talk about how horriblymisogynistic hip-hop is, rarely do you see any discussion of theactual effects all of this misogyny is having on black women. Tohear the Essence magazines of the world tell it, black women shouldhardly be able to walk out of their front doors without being rapedor beat up.

Meanwhile, according to that notedexpert on education Bill Cosby, in his recent commencement addressat Spelman College, 70% of all blacks graduating from college thisyear are black women. Indeed, its black men who should worry aboutgetting either beat up or raped, since as the Cos notes, most ofthem are in prison.

Furthermore, if rap music is as awfulas these bitches say it is, it obviously hasnt done much for theirself-image. When a white woman is greeted with images that portraywomen as objects, she takes that as an opportunity to eat less andwork out more, so as to fit the standard of beauty put forth bymagazines, TV commercials and what have you.

Meanwhile, I dont think I need topull out any statistics here to illustrate the fact that blackwomen have been doing nothing of the sort. Indeed an argument canbe made that if black women were objectified more often, maybetheyd be that much more motivated to hit a treadmill or eat asalad.

And not one of those salads fromWendys thats basically a bowl of fried chicken,either.

If anything, I wonder if hip-hop isntgoing hard enough on black women. Numerous awful rap songs havebeen made about the dedication and sacrifices made by black singlemothers, but not a one has been made blaming black single mothersfor the myriad issues currently facing the black community, andespecially black men.

After all, if most black men thesedays are either unemployed or in jail, and most black men thesedays were raised by black women exclusively, I dont think it takesa Rhodes Scholar to put one and two together.

9/22/06

Insidious new trend: Minstrel showrap.

Flush with revenue from the likes ofMike Jones Who Is Mike Jones?, the Ying Yang Twins Wait (TheWhisper Song), Three-Six Mafias Academy Award-winning theme toHustle and Flow, and D4Ls Laffy Taffy, record labels are rushingout to sign the most coon-like negros they can find.

Granted, it can be argued that hip-hopbecame a minstrel show of sorts the first time some jig put on agold chain and began pacing back and forth gripping his unit. NoRichard Simmons. But that was unintentional. The following can onlybe viewed as an outright and purposeful embrace ofminstrelsy.

DJ Webstar and Young B ChickenNoodle Soup

Ironically, while minstrel show rapobviously has its origins in shitty southern hip-hop, it was agroup of jigs in Harlem, New York who were the first to cross thatline into actual minstrelsy. If you notice, theres hardly adifference between the Chicken Noodle Soup dance, which is all therage on YouTube these days, and the actual dances performed in 19thcentury minstrel shows.

As educated jig Marc Lamont Hill putit:

Am I getting old or isthis dance, with all of the shuffling and light footing, nothingmore than new-school minstrelsy?

Even DJ Webstars name has circusfreak show connotations as it calls to mind the hit 80s TV seriesWebster, which starred an adorable 25-year-old black midget. NoNeverland Valley Ranch.

Jibbs Chain Hang Low

Similarly, you have to wonder if theminstrel show connotations in young St. Louis rapper Jibbs currenthit Chain Hang Low aren't purely a matter of coincidence. Asrevealed in the New York Times earlier this week, the songsmelody has its origins in a song that was once a staple of minstrelshow routines.

To wit:

In the 19th century it wasa minstrel mainstay known, depending on the lyrics, as Zip Coonor Turkey in the Straw. [...] And now, thanks to the St. Louisrapper Jibbs, the old song provides the basis for a new hip-hophit, Chain Hang Low.

If Jibbs wasnt aware of this, you'dhave to think the TIs at Geffen were. Indeed, I doubt this was acoincidence at all.

Ms Peachez Fry ThatChicken

That said, Im sure a case could bemade for young black kids like Jibbs re-appropriating once-racistmusic the same way black people haven taken all of the fun out ofthe word nigga. Ms. Peachez Fry That Chicken, meanwhile, is justindefensible.