Andi Dorfman - Its Not Okay: Turning Heartbreak into Happily Never After

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Gallery Books

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Copyright 2016 by Andi Dorfman

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Gallery Books hardcover edition May 2016

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Jacket design by Connie Gabbert

Jacket photograph Hurley Productions LLC

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Name: Dorfman, Andi author.

Title: Its not okay / Andi Dorfman.

Description: First Gallery Books hardcover edition. | New York : GalleryBooks, 2016.

Subjects: LCSH: Dorfman, Andi. | Television personalitiesUnited StatesBiography. | BISAC: BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Personal Memoirs.

Classification: LCC PN1992.4.D57 A3 2016 (print) | LCC PN1992.4.D57 (ebook) |DDC 791.4502/8092dc23

LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015048948

ISBN 978-1-5011-3246-9

ISBN 978-1-5011-3247-6 (ebook)

To all the brokenhearteds of the world...
One day all the pain will make sense.

M y life is officially over! Seriously, Im not exaggerating. It really is O-V-E-R. I feel absolutely mortified, infuriatingly pissed, and pathetically distraught. To sum it up, I am nothing less than the superstar of my own major shitshow. And to make matters even worse, this entire debacle is all overdrumroll, pleasea boy. Yup, a freaking boy, who just twelve hours ago was the man I was engaged to marry. All because I had let him sweep me off my feet as I fell madly in love with him in the short time frame of only eight weeks. And now hes just another freaking boy, one who has left me utterly heartbroken.

It wasnt supposed to be like this. Im not supposed to be like this. Not after a breakup! It isnt as if this is my first failed relationship. Hell, Ive had twenty-five in the past year alone, and thats not even including this one. Damn, saying that number aloud makes me cringe inside. Twenty-five, hold up, now twenty-six breakups in a year has got to be some sort of a record, right? If only we got consolation prizes for our breakups, perhaps a new pair of fabulous shoes. Then at least we could drown away our sorrows on the floor of a shoe closet worthy of Carrie Bradshaw, all the while knowing that each breakup came with three to five inches of pep-in-our-step leg-skinnifying stiletto pleasure. But no, life isnt that fair. At least not in my world. All Im left with is a slew of practice breakups, which should have prepared me for this epic one. However, as I sit here crying and drowning my sorrows with a bottle of ros (Ill switch to red once the sun goes down), a pen, and this diary, even through a haze of Grenache it is crystal clear that nothing could have ever prepared me for this. Yeah, this ones gonna hurt.

Fuck! How did I even end up here?

Obviously I know the technical answer to thatit doesnt take a genius to understand that in order to get to number twenty-six, youve got to start with number one (not to be confused with the One). And of all the ways I could have met a man, somehow my way was on a reality television show. I wish I could say Im joking, but Im embarrassingly serious.

Where do I even begin? I guess to make a long story short, this new chapter of dating on television began for me late one chilly September night in the great state of California after Id been flown cross-country from Atlanta to Los Angeles, where I was promptly put up in an undisclosed hotel and stripped of my phone and any other form of communication with the outside world. Seventy-two painfully boring hours later, it was finally time to meet Number One, whom I knew little about except that he had won the romantic lottery by being chosen to date thirty lucky women, all handpicked just for him. A single father with Latin heritage, he was a former athlete and looking for love. And so was I.

The night had finally come. Doused with half a bottle of hair spray, my wavy locks had the texture of straw as I slipped into the slinky floor-length Halston Heritage gown I had purchased only days ago from the clearance rack at Loehmanns. I had been impatiently waiting for hours, passing the time with several reapplications of mascara and blush, when finally a producer came to my door and ushered me down in the elevator, through the hotel lobby, and into a waiting stretch limousine. Already inside were four other women, also dressed in floor-length gowns and also ready to meet Number One. I took a seat against the window and observed each woman. One had a pillow shoved in the midsection of her dress resembling a baby bump, which I found quite ballsy and slightly uncomfortable given that Number One was a single father. Another woman wore a sequined gown with a plunging neckline, while another wouldnt stop bragging in a high-pitched screech that she was wearing cowboy boots underneath her black gown, which had a conveniently placed cutout revealing her lower-back tattoo. The fourth womanthe only normal one, in my opinionwore her hair in a sophisticated chignon that complemented her soft skin, which resembled that of a porcelain doll. A producer hopped into the limo along with a cameraman, and just like that, we were off and on our way to the circus!

A short drive later, the limo was parked in the cobblestone driveway of an enormous Spanish-style mansion, with Number One standing amid bright lights in front of a large fountain adorned with colorful flowers. With a dozen cameras positioned at various heights and angles, he waited as one by one, each of the four other women exited the vehicle and greeted him. Each engaged in a short conversation before sashaying around the fountain and entering the arched wooden front doors of the mansion. When it was my turn, I stepped out of the limo and began what felt like the longest ten-foot walk of my life. The moment I laid eyes on Number One, I was infatuated. His satisfactorily tall athletic build, blond hair, and expensive suit that fit snugly in all the right areas (if you know what I mean) had me both nervous and intrigued. A quick introduction later, with a grin, I too sashayed around the fountain and entered the mansion.

The setup was simple: If I survived the first night, I along with the other survivors would move into this mansion and begin dating Number One, who got to go on three dates a week with the women of his choosing; two of those would be private solo dates, while the third would be a group date. Each week, Number One got to eliminate a select number of women until it was finally down to one who, if all went according to plan, he loved enough to propose to, and the two of them would ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after. Oh, and all of this while cameras rolled, capturing our every move.