Table of Contents
What Others Are Saying About Chris Gethard andA Bad Idea Im About to Do
Chris Gethard is comedy in a fighters crouch. His stories travel through adolescence and New Jersey with a sweetness and rage that makes you both wish you were there and feel like you were.
Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live
Whenever Im feeling down on myself or think that Im slowly going crazy, I think of one of Gethards stories. Then I realize that, hey, I dont got it so bad after all.
Jack McBrayer, 30 Rock
Chris Gethard tells the amazing stories an eccentric old man would tell... if that man had lived his fucking life with any balls. His stories are hilarious and rivetingbut more importantly, real.
Rob Huebel, Adult Swims Childrens Hospital and MTVs Human Giant
Chris Gethard stories are like a roller coasterat times you are scared, shocked, and ultimately exhilarated by the hilarity each story containsand once you finish one, you wanna hear another one right away.
Paul Scheer, FXs The League and Adult Swims NTSF: SD: SUV
Chris Gethard is one of my favorite storytellers. Hes amazing! Hes always getting into the most unusual situations.... Even normal situations become amazing when youre Chris Gethard. Seriously, when Geth is talking, I stop and listen.
Rob Riggle, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Maybe you shouldnt tell me things like that.
Chriss mom responding to the distressing news that her son might have herpes
To my mother and my Aunt Re,
who while sitting at my kitchen table and
talking into the night taught me that sad stories
stop being sad if you can make them funny.
Introduction
Would you like to hear a story Ive never told anyone? my mother asked.
We were in the living room of my parents home in New Jersey. My mother sat in her familiar spot on the couch. My dad was at the kitchen table.
It was Mothers Day 2010.
Foolishly, I said Sure.
Great, she began. Its about your birth.
My father interrupted as he entered from the other room. And Ive never heard it?
No, she said. She paused, looked at me, and continued. Ive never had the heart to tell anyone this story.
Thats the moment it first hit me that when your mother asks you if you want to hear a story no ones ever heard, you should probably always say No.
When you were little and the other kids used to make fun of how big your head was, she told me, it always broke my heart.
This meant her heart was broken nearly every single day. My forehead has always been an obtrusive, disproportioned source of embarrassment to me. My childhood nickname was Megahead. (In many ways this was a good thing. While Megahead made me angry, I preferred it to being mocked about how my last name phonetically spells out the words Get Hard.)
I knew since day one that was going to be a problem for you, she continued. Because when you were being born and you started crowningyou know, emerging? The doctor took a step back and said, My God, his head is as big as a bowling ball.
I froze.
Thats how my life began, I thought to myself. Thats literally the first thing that ever happened to me. It wouldnt even be fair to measure my life in units of time yet. I was only three inches old and I was being mocked by the medical care professional whose job it was to bring me into life safely.
My mom had obviously thought I would laugh at this story. When she saw that instead I was reeling from it, she tried to make a joke to recover.
Well, she sighed, youll never know how many stitches they gave me.
Her joke didnt make me feel any better.
How many? I asked. I was approaching full panic.
She got very serious as she realized she was digging herself into a deeper hole.
No, seriously, youll never know, she said. They refused to tell me.
That pushed me over the edge. Jesus, Im sorry! I spat out.
I have to say, apologizing to your mother on Mothers Day for being born is not one of lifes peaks. That can safely be described as a valley.
Before I could say anything, my father jumped in with his own attempt at a joke meant to save the situation.
Actually, he said, you should be apologizing to me for that.
Thats how I spent last Mothers Day.
That story verifies a suspicion Ive long heldthat my life has always been semi-ridiculous. Having lived the kind of life Ive lived, I wasnt surprised at all to find out thats apparently been the case literally from the start. It figures that even my birth would be weird.
On paper, I appear to have it made. Everything about my upbringing seems to subscribe to the good old American dream. Raised in the suburbs, parents still married, good gradesif anyone should have had it easy, boring, and normal, its me.
But right from the start I was perceptive enough to recognize that the traditional idea of a normal life doesnt really exist. There are cracks in its armor that anyone can see from a mile away. For example, the seemingly idyllic suburb I was raised in was actually filled with maniacal weirdos. My unfractured family in fact put on stunning displays of rage and lunacy. From a very early age, Id see and experience things that would make me think This isnt right and I have a feeling life is in general more messed up than anyone is letting on. This type of thinking bred into me an unfortunate blend of curiosity and defiance.
What Ive come to realize is that most people, when faced with a situation that seems ludicrous or dangerous, instinctually take action to avoid it. I, on the other hand, have always wanted to charge headlong into outlandish situations at first sight of them. The weirder something is, the more I want to know about it. The less likely it is for a guy like me to be a part of something, the more I want to get involved. My philosophy has always been Why say no to anything? The only things you have to abandon in order to live by it are common sense, a command of reason, and social acceptability. Not a bad trade.
In the early part of this book, youll see what I mean about the foundation that my early life laid out for me. Id wager that if you had the same male role models I did, you wouldnt quite know how life is supposed to work, either. By the time I describe my adventures as a young adult, youll have learned how Id developed a personality that got me into car chases, prison (voluntarily), and many other ill-advised pursuits. Then youll see how things only snowballed from there.
Sometimes when I tell people these stories, I get the feeling they think Im crazy. Over the years, Ive come to realize that theyre probably at least a little bit right.
But to me, it always seemed that everything and everyone around me was crazy, and that not embracing or addressing that realization would actually make me the weird one. Pretending everything was okay all the time, when life is so odd and often so harsh, seemed more damaging than not.
As a result, Ive made a lot of foolish decisions. Many people hear about the stuff Ive pulled and call me an angry person. The stories you are about to read will definitely reflect that. Others have called me depressed, and I am unable to argue with that diagnosis. Still others have viewed me as standoffish or socially awkward. Im probably guilty on all counts.
