Almond - 2013;2006;

First published in 2001 by Oberon Books Ltd.
Electronic edition published in 2013 Oberon Books Ltd.
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www.oberonbooks.com Reprinted 2006 Copyright Suzy Almond 2001 Suzy Almond is hereby identified as author of this play in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights. All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsal to Independent Talent Group Ltd., Oxford House, 76 Oxford Street, London W1N 1BS. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained, and no alterations may be made in the title or the text of the play without the authors prior written consent. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or binding or by any means (print, electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. PB ISBN: 978-1-84002-237-7
E ISBN: 978-1-7831-9353-0 Cover photograph (of Brooke Kinsella in School Play): Stuart Colwill eBook conversion by Replika Press PVT Ltd, India. Visit www.oberonbooks.com to read more about all our books and to buy them. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events, and you can sign up for e-newsletters so that youre always first to hear about our new releases.

Thanks to Soho Theatre for being a home from home.

Special thanks to Lin Coghlan, Jonathan Lloyd and Paul Sirett for helping me with my homework. Big thanks also to: Sarah Craig, Clare French, Cathy King, Clare Longhurst, Erin & Scott, Abigail Morris, Alison Newman, Sophie Paul, Craig Snelling, Sam Spruell, Glen Supple, Phil Temple, Lee Turnbull, Thurle Wright, that lot on the Writers Attachment Programme (Chris Chibnall, John Corwin, Marta Emmitt, Holly Phillips, Trevor Williams), and the Soho cast (Bryan Dick, Brooke Kinsella, Tracy-Ann Oberman, Daniel Scott-Croxford).
for Stretch and Pinhead

CHARLIE
fifteen PAUL
fifteen LEE
fifteen MISS FRY
thirties
School Play was first performed at Soho Theatre and Writers Centre on 20 June 2001 with the following cast: PAUL Bryan Dick CHARLIE Brooke Kinsella LEE Daniel Scott-Croxford MISS FRY Tracy-Ann Oberman Director Jonathan Lloyd Designer Luke Hunt Lighting Designer Jonathan Rouse Sound Designer Nick Blount Composer Chris Hoban The backstage/front of stage area of a school hall. The sounds of a music lesson going on in the room behind piano scales or the odd burst of badly played trumpet. This is the lesser used hall in an older, more neglected part of the school. There are signs that the stage area is being used temporarily as a classroom/detention room for small numbers of pupils some desks and chairs are still out, but most are stacked untidily at the sides, poking out from behind the curtains.

There is half-light, dust and a thin beam of light from a small window. There are heavy, dusty, velvet curtains falling down, piles of costumes, wigs and props. There are small traces of set design for Peter Pan a treasure chest, part of a pirate ship backdrop. Amongst the rubble, a piano sits, stage left. A loud bang, the sound of a firework/banger goes off in the distance. Pause.

The sound of Paul running down the corridor. He enters, with an unlit firework still in his hand, gasping for breath. Charlie comes running in. PAUL: I cant see. CHARLIE: You screwed up. PAUL: I cant see.

CHARLIE: You can. PAUL: I cant. CHARLIE: Try opening your eyes. PAUL: Yours went off in my face. CHARLIE: Youd already run away. PAUL: You didnt let go.

CHARLIE: Thats the idea. I only let go of it when it had burned down to the end, as close to my skin as possible, then I lobbed it right through the window. Thats what you were supposed to do with yours. PAUL: It could of exploded in your face, it was CHARLIE: Mine didnt explode big enough. It should have made something catch light. And there were no staff in there.

What happened to yours? She grabs Pauls firework. PAUL: It didnt go off, I think youll find. CHARLIE: You didnt light it. Youre such a girl. PAUL: I think youll find CHARLIE: Stop repeating yourself. PAUL: Last time CHARLIE: Youre pathetic.

PAUL: I think CHARLIE: Youve gotta have a skill if you wanna be a Hollister Boy. Youve gotta push things to the limit. PAUL: Yesterday, I got inside McGibneys head after fifteen seconds of coming into class, I think youll find. Just sitting down, everyones going Go on then, Paul. I goes Sir and Ive got this Muller yoghurt blob on Dwaynes ruler and its strawberry and its poised and everyone is thinking no way. Cos its McGibney.

But I think youll find that I dont care. He turns round and I goes Happy Birthday sir its not even his birthday it just made it more funnier and I pulled back the end of the ruler I pulled it back with skill it was skilful, and I let it go. Slow motion pink blob leaving launch pad now. Splat on McGibneys snooker glasses what are too big for his face. He makes this squeaking noise like a hamster, I goes to everyone He sounds like a hamster. He goes Paul Gibbs! I goes What? I should of took a stopwatch.

Fifteen seconds! CHARLIE: Yoghurt? Thats not a skill. PAUL: Ive got witnesses. CHARLIE: Youve gotta make them wanna know whats going on in your head. PAUL: Betts and Driscoll were there. CHARLIE: Betts plays the trombone, Driscolls bottom lip is always wet. PAUL: (Walking out.) I might go music.

CHARLIE: What? PAUL: New teachers hot, Miss Fry. Shes hot, thats why. Shes saying we can play CDs in class. Dwayne says shes got nipples like Volvo wheel hubs. CHARLIE: I heard shes crap. Comes in hung-over.

Someone broke the small window in B12 before it got burned down and she pretended not to notice. PAUL: Dwayne gets to see her in his road. She lives with her parents, man. But shes got these CHARLIE: Go music then. Lee Coulson will be here in a minute. PAUL: Lee Coulson? Hes been excluded.

CHARLIE: Suspended. Hes back. PAUL: He dont come in. CHARLIE: He has today, off you go. PAUL: Hes mental. He got Colins brother in a headlock for about five minutes and after that he had to wear a dog collar.

Lee Coulson. CHARLIE: A surgical collar. PAUL: For about two months. He couldnt turn his head around, people had to help him across the road, I think youll find. Lee Coulson. And hes got a skill He drinks milk and makes it come out his ears.

Nearly got on telly for it. CHARLIE: He wants to be a Hollister Kid. He wants in on the bike. PAUL: Youre saying no to everyone, its just me and you. CHARLIE: There should be a core of three. PAUL: Course.

You been working on it? CHARLIE: Twenty questions. It can do two hundred miles an hour, but youd get done. Its shaped to fit you, so you fly when youre on it, like youre shot from a gun. Its got two superchargers, four carburettors and nitrous bottles. PAUL: Whats that? CHARLIE: Accessories. PAUL: Its big innit? CHARLIE: Massive.