Brown Matt - Mutant Zombies Cursed My School Trip

Ian Iansson is a little bit worried about his school trip.

Firstly, Ian doesnt have any friends, plus, his mum has packed him ten pairs of pants for the two-day trip. But as it turns out, these are the least of Ians problems

Because when Ians class arrives at the spooky old house, theres something very weird going on. Something that looks awfully like zombies; groaning, dribbling zombies that no one but Ian seems to have noticed.

Ian Iansson was in a tight spot. In fact, as spots went, this one was tighter than a pair of the tiniest tightest tights stretched across the most colossally colossialest bottom.

He was sitting on a chair in the middle of a dingy, abandoned warehouse. His hands had been tied behind his back and no matter how hard he struggled, he couldnt seem to get free. He craned his head back to see what was behind him. The chair was millimetres away from falling into a cavernous pit of deadly animals who all looked like they hadnt been fed for a while. A lion, three bears, a tiger and an enormous, bloodthirsty kangaroo all looked up, waiting for him to fall.

There is no point trying to free yourself, Ian, said a voice from the shadows, dripping with danger. The rope binding your hands is impossible to break. It is made from titanium and lasers and unbelievably strong glue like your grandad has in his kitchen drawer but wont ever let you use because it is SO strong and dangerous and would stick your fingers together, FOR EVER.

Ian wriggled his hands again. A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead.

A gigantic man appeared. He had a large mop of green hair and was wearing a white suit and tie.

You! I might have known, said Ian.

Yes, I must apologize for the inconvenience, said the man, pulling out a bright yellow feather from behind his back. But Im afraid that you have some information I need. And I happen to know that you have very ticklish feet.

Ian struggled again. It was true, he had the most ticklish feet in the world. The gigantic man moved closer to Ian. He waved the feather duster and laughed a horrible laugh. Ian closed his eyes.

No, no, no, HHHHHEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!

Ian? Ian?

It was Ians mum. She stood in the doorway to his bedroom and looked at Ian, who was sitting on his desk chair with his hands behind his back. There was a pile of cuddly toys behind him.

What is it, my darling poppet? she said. Whatevers wrong?

Ian took his hands away from the back of the chair.

Oh, er, sorry, Mum, said Ian. I was, er, just playing.

Ians mum looked around the room suspiciously.

I suppose hes in here, is he? she said.

The gigantic man with the green hair stared at her.

I have a name, you know, the man said. Its Remington Furious III and we were in the middle of a scene that you have just RUINED!

Ians mum completely ignored Remington Furious III.

Because, she continued, I thought that wed had a talk about him and how youre a teeny bit old to have an imaginary friend.

Remington Furious III gasped.

Ian, I simply cannot work in conditions like this, he said. Ill see you later when she isnt here.

And with that he vanished in a puff of smoke. Ian sighed.

No, Mum, its okay, hes not here, he said.

Ians mum smiled.

Good, she said. Ive told you before, youve got to stop using your imagination. It gets you worked up into a terrible lather.

Ian nodded slowly. Hed heard all this before but he couldnt help it he had whole worlds that lived inside his head.

Yes, Mum, he said.

Like that time when you imagined the house was being attacked by vampires. Remember?

Ian nodded.

I woke up to find you rubbing garlic all over yourself and trying to catapult my best silver jewellery across the room.

I was trying to protect the house, protested Ian. Everyone knows vampires hate garlic and silver.

Ians mum stared at Ian.

But it wasnt vampires was it, love?

Ians shoulders sagged.

No, Mum, he said.

It was a plastic carrier bag rustling in the tree outside your window, wasnt it?

Ian looked at her.

It was very dark, he said, quietly.

Ians mum sighed and bustled over to his bed.

Look, my little angel, theres so much going on in the real world that we dont need to waste our time making things up, do we? she said, sitting down.

No, Mum, said Ian.

I used to have dreams, you know. I used to imagine I could do things and go to exciting faraway places. But your granny used to say to me, Beverley, no good ever came of imagining things. So, I stopped and married your father.

Ians mum adjusted the sleeve of her grey jumper.

Now, she said, a smile returning to her face. Ive been calling you for ages. Didnt you hear me?

Oh, er, sorry, said Ian. I thought you might have wanted Dad.

Ian came from a long line of Ians. Ians dad was called Ian, Ians dads dad was called Ian, Ians dads dads dad was called Ian. In Ians family, it was Ians as far as the eye could see. Well, thats not quite true because Ians dads dads dads dad was called Derek, but no one liked him much anyway.

Of course, I didnt want him, you silly sausage, said Ians mum. He was called into work an hour ago. Some sort of emergency involving an out-of-date cocktail sausage and a packet of continental meat slices.

Ians dad worked for Widdle, the largest supermarket chain in the whole country.

But he just called with the most wonderful news that I simply had to tell you about. Dads got an interview on Tuesday. For a new job.

Ian felt a familiar knot tighten in his stomach.

A new job? he said. Another one?

Thats right, another new job. Ians mum nodded. Isnt he clever?

In the last six years, Ians dad had worked in over thirteen different Widdle stores. Theyd only recently moved to Dreary Inkling so that his dad could head up the deli counter at the out-of-town Mega Widdle.

Your father said the job would be in the biggest Widdle in the whole country, which would mean wed have to move again.

But weve only been in this house for three weeks, said Ian, a familiar feeling of panic rippling through his body. Dreary Inkling Primary is the third school Ive been to this year. Nobody even knows my name properly yet.

But Ians mum wasnt listening to him, she was gazing out of Ians window.

Wont it be the most exciting thing ever? she said.

Yes, Mum, said Ian, in a voice so quiet it didnt even really count as a voice at all.