Frankie Boyle - My Shit Life So Far

I dont think anyone can have written an autobiography without at some point thinking, Why would anyone want to know this shit? Ive always read them thinking, I dont want to know where Steve Tyler grew up! Just tell me how many groupies he fucked! I suppose Ive just had to assume that anybody who buys this book has an interest in my life story, but Ive covered myself by including long passages about all the groupies Steve Tyler has fucked.

Ive been careful not to get too nostalgic. Its the most retrograde, reality-denying emotion. How long before youll be standing at a bus stop hearing someone moan, Say what you like about Saddam, but that countrys gone to hell without him? Saddam did at least make the trains run on time. Its just that they were DeathTrains to DeathCamps. To be honest, they were often late but people were too scared to say anything.

Theres a fair bit of swearing in this book. I wasnt going to put in any at all but then I thought, Fuck it, these readers are cunts. I know theres an argument that swearing should only be used by a writer to underline a point that really demands it, or when strong emotions are in play. I think of this as a particularly English view, resting on the sad viewpoint that not much ever merits strong emotion or opinion. The whole debate is a bit pointless. I was in a hotel room recently and a show came on where Frank Skinner was talking about swearing on TV. I switched over and had a half-hearted wank. Im one of about three people in the country directly affected, and I switched over. I would have happily watched Frank Skinner talk about anything else and I had a half-hearted wank over a presenter I know is a lesbian. For which I awarded myself double points.

Theres a genuine BBC directive that says you cant use fucking as a verb but you can use it as an adjective. So now you have to say, Do you know whats fucking great? Nookie! Ian Wright has criticised the BBC for dumbing down. I agree with him, but thered be more weight to his argument if hed stayed with the BBC. Im glad he escaped from the relentless intellectual slide to present Gladiators .

This book isnt entirely accurate. I have changed all the names and occasionally tweaked the order of events. Ive also lied quite a lot. My favourite autobiography is Clive Jamess brilliant Unreliable Memoirs. In the introduction he says that all the stuff that sounds true is made up and all the unbelievable bits are true. Im saying that too, stealing it from him. I also stole his Chapter Four, for anyone who wonders why I went to sixth-form college in Australia. There are a few other instances of plagiarism; theyre mostly just the bits where Im solving mysteries in Victorian London. Also, there are a couple of blatant untruths. The 1988 Scottish Cup Final was won by Celtic, rather than Dundee United, and I did not rape Tina Turner.

Sadly, there are parts of my life that havent made it into the book. In the Seventies I was involved in a top-secret project. Im not really allowed to talk about it, but it was big. Thats all I can tell you about Operation C. I. AIDS. I went to some CIA seminars to begin with but I cant remember much about them. All I know is that anytime I hear any of John Lennons solo stuff I go out and buy a harpoon. I still have the flask of Michael Jacksons DNA I stole for Operation Timberlake. His DNA wasnt hard to get. I dressed up as a schoolboy and hid the flask in my ass. I was also part of the plot to kill Castro, but it was impossible to get near him. I did manage to become his masseur, but even that he makes you do through a catflap with a snooker rest.

Being a special operative was a great job. How many people can say they got to meet all three Paul McCartneys? A lot of people wanted to strangle him after the Frog Chorus, but I was the one who actually got to do it. The CIA recruited me in an operation where they got prostitutes to spike people with acid and find out their secrets. They really had me over a barrel once they knew how much I liked to fuck prostitutes on acid.

There are quite a few drug-abuse stories coming up but I do urge you all to use drugs with caution. For example, never take cocaine before a group-therapy session. Its really hard to interrupt a discussion on incest with a great idea for a song. Also, never take opium suppositories. Ive never been in a situation where I thought You know what would make this better? Hallucinating out of my arsehole.

Another part of my life Ive not been able to talk about is when I was spiritual adviser to the England football team. I had to leave because I just couldnt handle their attitude to women. Youve got to worry when the movie on the team bus is The Accused . But you had to admire the simplicity of Svens team talks. Hed simply stand in the dressing room and say, There are women out there. The team wouldnt even leave by the door. Theyd eat their way out onto the pitch through the dressing-room walls. Then for a while I ran an art project getting sex criminals and serial killers to send their ideas to television companies. It was always something theyd already thought of.

Its interesting for me to see the things people choose to get offended about and the things they let slide. Earlier this year I had to quit my Daily Record column over a moral disagreement. We disagreed over whether it was OK to make jokes about a dead child molester. Its not that I wasnt a fan of Michael JacksonI was a big fan when I was 8. I didnt know it at the time, but I was his type. For his London concerts Michael Jackson advertised for children in wheelchairs or with missing legs. What parent would agree to that? Look what happened to kids who could run away! Those tickets sold out in minutes. An interesting attitude we have to paedophilia in this country: We dont want paedophiles round hereunless theyve really worked on their choreography.

We can all learn something from Michaels life. For example, it looks like oxygen tents are a big waste of money. Apparently when the news of his death broke, Jacksons father rushed straight to the hospital just to check if the medics needed a hand with beating Michaels chest. The man may be gone but he has left a musical legacy that will be around for hundreds of years. As will his face.

Theres a really grim pro-censorship lobby that seems to be thriving at the moment. The Daily Mail and these religious maniacs must be stopped. They wont rest until all telly has been cleansed. Until theres no swearing and Walking with Dinosaurs is exposed as the heretical lie it is. Theyll be Walking with CreationistsOur story begins 7,000 years ago when God created the earthexactly like it is today. Heres a Tyrannosaurus rex, being buried by God to test our faith. These are the same nutcases who complained that having Fiona Bruce present Antiques Roadshow was disgraceful and encouraged lustful thoughts. Presumably while all wanking like an incarcerated rapist on ecstasy.

Its been interesting to write a book and work without the hands-on censorship of TV and radio. Amusingly, amidst all the horror of the world, I was censured this year for daring to make a joke about Israel. I think it was, Ive been studying Israeli Army Martial Arts. I now know sixteen ways to kick a Palestinian woman in the back. I was pulled up about this as civilians were killed by Israeli troops in Gaza. This was on a show called Political Animal on Radio 4. Thats where producers like to focus the edginess in their shows into the title.

But what I find incredible is that the Israelis say they can build housing in the West Bank because the Palestinians werent productive enough with it. So if a bunch of settlers start building flats on your back patio youve only got yourself to blame. For fucks sake plant some marrows before its too late. People say nothing can solve the Middle East problem. Not mediation, not arms, not financial aid. I say there is Something. Atheism. Suddenly everyone would be looking at each other thinking, What the fuck were we doing? That was insane! Why are we all wearing these ridiculous hats? Were we drunk? Also, you could eliminate the problem of suicide bombing overnight by making everybody wear spandex. Good old Israel. Theyre the South Africa that its not OK to call cunts. Mind you, I dont understand the Palestinians either. If they hate Israel so much why dont they go form their own fucking country?