Cameron West - First Person Plural

First Person Plural

My Life as a Multiple

Cameron West, Ph.D.

Copyright 1999, 2013 Cameron West,Ph.D.
Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this bookmay be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without thewritten permission of the Publisher.

This is a work of nonfiction based on theauthors experience with Dissociative Identity Disorder. The authorhas changed the names and identifying characteristics of allpersons who are included in the work, except for Colin Ross andMarilyn Rice, to protect their privacy. Any similarity between thefictitious names used and those of living persons is entirelycoincidental.

Cover photography: EmanuelDimitri Volakis

Cover design: Fearless LiteraryServices

Ebook formatting: GoPublished

TABLE OF CONTENTS

A team effort

Another bad day

Buns in space

Mumbling gibberish

Back from the dead

What now?

Lost soul

Pants

Sad Davy

I never even knew my grandmother

A journal and a bear named Toby

A can of worms

Per

Diagnosis

Clay

My sad hotel

For better or worse

Whats wrong with Daddy?

We all fall down

Go west

Danger all around

Sold

Denial is a rake

Multiple multiples

The slice is right

Dusty and Robbie

My name is Rikki

Rikkis plate

Back to school

Grow up

Cookies

Crazy or not

I dont want to die

Come back, Cam

Big man with big shoes

Just friends

Police

Cuckoo

A floppy loaf of bread

Out of the mouth of a babe

The rake

The lone star state

Ropes

Sushi

Film at eleven

They are all me

Im a multiple

Saint Steve

I am who we are

2013

MY GUYS

Soul is an ageless alter who emergedearly on and whose job it was to give me hope so I could survive.His presence is still felt, but he rarely comes out, even intherapy.

Sharky is a primitive alter who atfirst couldnt form words at all. He would grunt and swing his headfrom side to side and bite things, like tables and clothes andplants. One of the other alters drew a picture of him as a limblessbeing with a huge toothy mouth. Sharky has learned to talk and eatwith his hands or a fork. He doesnt come out too often, but helikes to share treats with the others.

Davy is four. He is sweet and sad. Hewas the first to emerge, but he doesnt come out much anymore.

Anna and Trudi arefour-year-old twins. Anna is doe-eyed and happy, with a smile sobig it makes my face hurt. She remembers her abuse, but feels noanger, no sadness. She loves a good cookie. Trudi is dark andbrooding, a kid in the corner. She remembers, too, but only thepain and sadness and horror. Anna shares her cookies with her. Annais a member of the core group of alters who come out with the mostfrequency.

Mozart is six years old. He is veryquiet and fragile and has difficulty breathing. Mozart doesnt comeout very often.

Clay is eight and comes outfrequently. For a long time he had an awful stutter and tensemuscles, and he couldnt look anyone in the eye. But he is muchmore relaxed now. The stutter is mostly gone, and he is learning tomeet a persons gaze. Clay has a scarf we wear every day. We nevergo anywhere without it. Clay is also a member of the coregroup.

Switch is eight years old. He heldincredible rage for being abused, but he also felt a powerfulallegiance to one of our abusers and turned that rage toward me andsome of the others. Switch harmed my body many times. He is not soangry anymore, and he has been accepted by everyone in the system.Switch has his own sheriffs badge now, which he likes to weararound. He is a member of the core group.

Wyatt is a bright ten-year-old whocomes out frequently and likes to talk to people as he walks aroundthe periphery of things. He is almost perpetually in motion,usually rocking, pacing, counting, or studying shapes and patterns.Wyatt likes words and describes things in unusual ways. Wyatt isalso in the core group.

Tracy, Kit, Nicky, Lake, Toy, andCasey are The Boys. They all appeared in the early months,each locked somewhere in the time when Kennedy was president andonly baseball games and Bonanza were in color. Over time the boysblended until they eventually merged and faded back. They are nolonger accessible.

Dusty is a twelve-year-old girl. Sheis gentle and kind and comes out often to go food shopping andcook. Dusty takes care of the little ones, sometimes readingchildrens books to them. She is disappointed that she exists inthe body of a middle-aged man. Dusty is a member of the coregroup.

Gail is the newest member of thesystem, having only fully emerged as this book was being completed.She was very quiet at first, but now she is close to Dusty, andthey do most things together. Dusty taught Gail how to make bread.At some point they will probably integrate. Gail is also in thecore group.

Keith is fifteen. He is quiet,self-effacing, and rarely comes out.

Bart is twenty-eight, easygoing, andfunny. His role in the system has changed from scaring everyoneinto keeping their secrets to protecting the young ones and helpingto keep things light. Along with Per, he takes control when crisesarise or when my world gets too dark. Barts levity has kept usafloat many times. He wishes he were more sophisticated andhalf-jokingly refers to me as The Doc or sometimes TheStiff.

Kyle emerged shortly after Bart. Hewas Barts age, his buddy and sidekick. Over time Kyle got closerand closer to Bart until they blended together and finallymerged.

Leif is in his thirties, with anincredible focus and force. He embodies action, productivity, andaccomplishment, with an utter lack of emotion or concern for asecond of pleasure. Leif usually stayed just behind me, not takingover completely, but relentlessly driving me to keep moving. He nowworks with Bart and Per to help me get things done, but at a humanpace, and with some cheer and calm. Leif is in the core group.

Sky is in his thirties. He appearedearly on to help regulate the flow of emotions and memories so myalters and I wouldnt overload. The more the system learned tocommunicate and work together, the less weve had to rely on Sky.He never comes out anymore.

Stroll is about thirty. He was aserpentine, sexual tool, existing solely for the pleasure of women,emerging any time a woman of any age showed me any kindness at all.Although he is still triggered by womens attention, Stroll haschanged his role to one of support for the younger alters. He comesout only in therapy now, and even there, infrequently.

Per is a gentle, spiritual soul. He isa poet, an artist, a connection to the forces of balance andnature. He is peace and relief. He holds us tenderly in his armsand keeps us safe. Per, a member of the core group, is the fatherfigure to everyone in the system.

Authors Note: After the publication ofFirst Person Plural, one more alter named Rogerappeared. He is five years old and holds the memories of anincident of abuse in which he was held down and couldnt breathe.When he comes out, the right side of my face droops as if Ive hada stroke, and Rogers brain wave patterns, as tested by anelectroencephalogram, indicate signs of brain damage, though minedo not.