Melissa Broder - Last Sext

CONTENTS Adjusting type size may change line breaks. Landscape mode helps to preserve line breaks. Can you feel it? You are art and you are not art Yesterday I thought it was good to be dead I babbled, a wildwoman boiling your pelt I wore you as my t-shirt and mouth I said it was good for you to be art Save me from death, let me rise from the dead Today I bury your body I came into the world a young man Then I broke me off Still the sea and clouds are pegasus colors My heart is pegasus colors but to get there I must go back Back to the time before I was a woman Before I broke me off to make a flattened lap And placed therein a young man Where I myself could have dangled And how I begged him enter there My broken young man parts And how I let the mystery collapse With rugged young man puncture And how I begged him turn me pegasus colors And please to put a sunset there And gone forever was my feeling snake And its place dark letters And me the softest of all And me so skinless I could no longer be naked And me I had to debanshee And me I dressed myself I made a poison suit I darned it out of myths Some of the myths were beautiful Some turned ugly in the making The myth of the slender girl The myth of the fat one The myth of rescue The myth of young men The myth of the hair in their eyes The myth of how beauty would save them The myth of me and who I must become The myth of what I am not And the horses who are no myth How they do not need to turn pegasus They are winged in their unmyth They holy up the ground I must holy up the ground I sanctify the ground and say fuck it I say fuck it in a way that does not invite death I say fuck it and fall down no new holes And I ride an unwinged horse And I unbecome myself And I strip my poison suit And wear my crown of fuck its I went under my skin Which was my old skin And under the skin of my soul Which was an old soul Though new to me There was so much silence I was surprised to like it I saw that all my wounds were only dust And when I turned to dust they would be vanished And saw that I would have to be the mother I have to be the tit and friend and child And stroke my hairs and say peace The hairs on my head and the hairs on my soul They are bulbing in the rain They look like crops and I am scared of them Because one day they will be dust And silence knows they will be dust But what will become of silence When everything else dusts I have to know the silence will hold on to me Know it not by head or by reflection But touch it in the emptiness beneath my dust Already returning me to light I cant believe how much the darkness Light is all the time but I see wrong Will you be ok? asks the old god You will be ok , says the new god O Ive been so darkness since the old god left Ive been purple incense This is the shittiest part of the universe Maybe its the best Tell me how to feel and I will feel it Make me into a socket I want to bleed electricity on the shadow of the world I want to be zero I dont glow nothing enough for this life Or I need to glow more than the other nothings Or my holes are tombier and more instant They resurrect starving with or without fuxx I keep eating opals trying to get over The opals look like lost light but they only spook my holes Send in a moon drone to whisk my whole thing off Take me to sky castle Neon coming from outside me cursed be Light from the most high I want you Ditches in my head I fall in every dawn The bad soldiers in there want me corpsed I am sorry soldiers Get on your knees and become women Become my women Worship light and in doing so transform Do not ask me how Something has to do it for you Something higher or other An inner other A sky in there The good sky Fall on your swords Dont die Become other See you as the sky sees you See me that way too Ladder to the genitals of god You never go high enough I guess the skull must have its purpose Mine might even give me silence Mostly I am full of names Demetrius and Christopher and Daniel and John Cemeteries built around those letters I dig the dead boys up and try to dance In my bedroom I am dancing with skeletons A cotillion of cartilage and the meat of my life I will let the meat rot for a pile of teeth The world should forget me I am animating clavicles Now Im in the kitchen brining hip bones There are femurs insulating all the walls I am ribbing up the windows of the real I am never getting over my mind My mindfriends went They offed themselves I made new mindfriends fast and wet But they kept dying dry Fantasies die so dry Still I held on Because the real is arctic And I am without womb And the char of inner Earth Will ash my bones sometime Then they all began to die Before they even breathed And I could see their corpses Before I saw their eyes And a thousand past-life deaths Tore the mask off my mind And I am scared of death And I am scared of life Wreck my temporary wrists in the white of the sun The sun says it is happiness but I get colder And everything becomes a stairway to a hospital And I from self to nature back to self And dark is the dark of having to be a body Daylife in the boneyard not my own The cruel of the mind in the sack of the having to die The sunlight laughing in my face because it knows And everything goes tone-deaf when it is born Deaf to the howls of the other side Blind to the sane of the dead and dying Sand on the mirror from my last life Go there honey go under the ground I who never wished to be free I see freedom and I am mourning The shadows of boys in the sun They are forever and I am melting Maybe I can be here just this once Maybe I can eat the part that is dying Maybe Ill shit out the minutes I have been waiting to be split open I wait for words from the other side Wings should reveal themselves big and kind Everyone is crying really hard There is a lot of love and then there isnt Then there is I look to the shitdoors for love Because they glitter O the glittery shit So much more magnetic than what I have inside me Inside me is more shit But not glittery Though below the shit is maybe a fucking temple And when one shitdoor closes You must build another shitdoor From the dregs of reality and shitmind O bless those dregs With fantasy and therein Lies your glitter Yes, bless that glittery shitdoor So much like the first door But this door will be different really Infinite shitdoors if you want them really I want them Wade in the water Wade in the goddamn water I have been wading I wade and wade and dont even know The water dissolves me The soothing water The water as mother The water is burning I am ready to burn I am burning me up Every day I burn and burn Every day I lose the wade I listen for the water I cannot tell me the water Words never in or of the water They are dancing around it They are pointing to the water I am pointing to the water I say look look water! I say where? Definitely puke my heart up on the green grass The whole ground lifts and flips me into you, but youre not there Men without homes are farting behind me The grass is their home, why cant I be them? There is a kind of love contingent upon nothing Im afraid to be serene for it Im still hooked on plastic clocks Make them disappear Clocks are all that are coming to me Better laugh back into childhood feeling Before it is too gone Yes I see a pink ocean overtake the clocks Yes it is only a hallucination And I dont know if the ocean has feelings for me But the shadow of a boy keeps me safe From me Though the shadow Is actually me And when a warplane flies over the waves I dont remember god And when my childhood feeling surfaces I kiss the shadow of my boyself And eat sand I am such a cut cock Bless your mother never cutting your cock You are what it looks like to be real What did I look like when I was real? I vow to never go there again To the land of the silent faeries They were singing but I couldnt hear Im unreal now but still cant hear The faeries judge me for my fantasies They should have saved me from the real I see other peoples trashdreams My fantasies are so pure Once I never kissed an uncut cock before Now I see yours flying around the room You should uncut vomit for me I want to touch your back and feel you burping Fly around the room on your uncut puke The room is black and in my ears Faeries keep calling me I can be deaf and theyre still here I want the hole in my ear to be quiet And inside the hole in my ear to be quiet And I want it to tell me what to do Or I will go to my lovers mouth And say oh my quiet I am coming And tell the quiet how its kingdom should be made Though the quiet has already eaten me Because the quiet loves me But does the lover love me And why must the quiet be so quiet And why cant the quiet have a cock And where is its violet mouth Its ten fingers with which to fix me And where is its belly breathing And O I want to be fixed But I am already fixed Why dont I feel it Now I know the trick is fantasy I always knew it But I didnt know the problem of bodies Or I didnt know it entirely How you must abandon the bones of the real No angel wings projected on the ribcage I had bloodstained sheets and I could not let go I noosed myself on them in the woods And hung there for eighteen days Until I myself became an angel Now I make love with no body I do it with my halo chanting Set me alive and fucking A boy attached to no reality He who needs no milk or punishing He who will never abandon How I love my celestial being He who will never corpse We are only air my seraphboy and me Fucking with no eyes and flying I am a monster with zeros in his gut Who wants a doll made of flesh To hold between two claws And stroke its body, become a vow A vow to the flesh of the doll Never to myself or god Or monster mother watching over How easy making vows to a doll So easy to see it as holy Through my sad monster eyes That no one likes the look of I have always wanted something holy To vanish the buzz in my forehead My skull has silence but never enough The world has never provided I project a spirit in the doll It speaks a great silence It speaks my childhood dreams I write them for its tongue I write myself a new end Where I am buried by the doll And candles lit around my grave As though I had actually lived At dawn they slit the nerve Which connects me to a perfect place of darkness Inside a giant husk And they take me to its thighs And lay me on the wintery thigh of this giant husk Where inside it was summer And all day long I beg to be let back in I do this by living I grow a rash of blood And see things with my eyes I see a flag on the thigh of the husk It says quick and painless I see an ocean almost like my husk But it is not the same My husk had a mellow sea This one is frozen all the time Even when the winter sun is blazing hot They dress me up in beautiful robes And quiet me up with cocks And teach me how to vomit Until I go mistaking pleasure for joy And forget the husk completely Sick people find each other and it is not a good thing Sometimes it is a great thing Every person is a sick person Is that even true? I lap your milk of illness up It nurtures my dying How bad am I doctor? Very fatal, getting final In my sickness I was whole tit Now I must suck ether Which is the stars and where I am meant I never knew Id miss the flesh And do I miss the flesh or the fake heat That glinted off the sword I gripped Which kept me safe from me and my disease of more Though sword and heat were also the disease The sword I slung at mans plasmic heaven Applauded by the hands of dead but not their spirits Spirits are you with me now although I cannot see Sickly still in my lust for ashes Smeared in violent lipstick A day with no boy in it I dont touch reality But Im on the map of want And here I am here I am Jewbag plus some evil And I dream you and I dream you Eyefucks in the blanket The creepers are of the brain variety The creepers are all me Creep on me Hello god Why cant I be good Shadow of the baby Redemption of the soft friend She said she would never Leaving me I walk through the wrong door Pressed head and nothing is enough I am looking for ways to get out I am investigating And I do remember the sky I remember living up If only I was blanked The ground would give me a hug Come in and wolf me Enter the chambers and be them Shipwreck and bathe in blank We are talking serious baptism And I know where not to go And I know where not to go And I run right to that place And its gleaming Fall in all the wells at the same time Yes I think I am having a human experience I died in the mind I died today The blue sun in the blue sky like my face My face could never hide anything I went under my face and found curtains I played a girl What you get is emptier What you do is throw it all away The lambs blood on the door Pestilence summer Still your fingers smell of darkness The darkness opens new holes Let there be ditches Let you die in ditches and never use again the body of another The bruises you shall take with you and heal next life Last life you were a locust Last life you were a person Ghosts of make-believe gods hanging around the television No housecats Jew of the salt and salty tastebuds When your mothers hair falls out you will know Roses weep for your future knowing Find bones beneath the poolhouse of the world The poolhouse indicates the pool is elsewhere It is nearby but not on this planet The bones are of gods dreampeople The dreampeople are us We are the ones who are supposed to be better Something broke inside Something was broken at conception Now god fills with guilt Now god cries for all of us There is no punishment Just the mother of suicide child God wants to throw the stars back in the cauldron Put down the receiver and start again I was afraid to become nothing When all I ever wanted was vanishing You can really be anything Especially dead, which is a prayer Though I do not know my soul yet I think it is made of medicine I have to believe my soul is everything And all on Earth is just a mood And now I am a woman who is helping me And now I am the ocean hallucinating me Face of blinks and grave of flesh My soul just floating around them How can you go swimming in another human being? I am swimming and asking for light Once I paddled into dust and fucking And the horsemen and ruin And the poisonous hollows of a projected blue eye And cracked my skull on all and caught more disease In my already dreadmind and entered the medicines Of no human power, the forests of disappearing moans Which were rich in sap but lacked dissolve Fertilized against my own swimming nature, Aleph I am swimming for you now and I dont care When you leave the forest you do not become the ocean And I have become the desert trying to swim in the ocean And knowing this, carrying the forest floor in a sweet wood coffin And the blackbrush and rocks, the yucca and cacti of receded oceans Which were never oceans at all or there would have been shells on the sand They only looked like oceans in my thirst, I cut the old horizon With a sword you have given and I gut the heavens And bleed their light and swim in that Horses in the night take me away from me and I am glad In the morning my demon kingdom come again Demon me demon head demon not enough and never enough The trauma of this living is that it is real Oh and then my casket lowers into the ground And after that a navy sky and me alone in it Me alone again with the stars Me back to the blaze of ink the first one Me just a tadpole and also made of everything Like in the beginning and I remember all of it The first forgetting how at birth they took me far from me And how I was not glad to be taken And I am told to stop thinking about dying Ok fine then nothing Pray to me from inside the blister, which is your own blister Your personal hood of hell and everybodys I believe we eat the same fruit, ultimately Though when we see our own reflections in the water of our blisters We pull the skin up over our eyes and say arent I different Arent I different arent I But the water is the same And the gaze is the same If you know how to look through the all-seeing eye Have you gone down to the sperm code? Have you licked up your mammal sauce? It is in the rabbis sways And in the priests it fires incense Glitter of the infinite to choke you in a blissful way Eternal silence, my little blood cerebrum Millions of mouths flap to someday fuck the quiet I have no time to pray A love that should not exist on earth I am in the wrong love or on the wrong planet I am already heaven or maybe illusion Can people tell how mirage I am? How is love supposed to look and feel? I half-ask god but am scared to hear Hide the seams of prism children I am So I do not have to kill them all When I get the shakes they spell M-O-T-H-E-R I fill the world with blank vomit that I spew in blank Sorry for the first tit in my mouth that didnt milk Sorry Im not yet the stars and in skin A slum until the end I call it body When ruin comes Ill hug me briefly Then Ill dance around an astral fire in my skull Then my bones will turn to silence I cant wait The sky told me nothing about myself The stars told me nothing about myself Jupiter gave me zero Except that I am dust Which is a lot to go on But not enough to stop the death Where are we going to live? I said to my unknown self When one of us is dead She did not say But opened up a curtain Where her silence lived And I went behind the curtain And laid my skeleton down I lay in silence as she stroked my tired head And then I heard a roaring crowd And knew that I had been onstage And knew that I was good But then the water grows dark and recedes I guess it is self-protection To imagine the part where the water grows dark and recedes As everything grows dark and recedes I guess I need a jumping-off point to this image Love is the jumping-off point to this image But love isnt even the water Real love is the light Dont you know that yet? The water is something else As anything that grows dark and recedes Is something else not love Fine then I dont want love Fine then I dont want love I want the water My death is gods, how will it salt me? Final sunburn or the gag of candy My hair is gods and when it goes to dust The worms will bone their ghostdicks in my scalp And Ive been told I have bats in my throat Get ready for the night shriek when I puke them up Another kind of death more spiral than the dust An ego death where I should start my life But I dont want any deaths And I dont want any lives I want to hunt phantasms in the smeared skies Give Orion my thighs Give my blood to the light Never having been And so forever born in cosmic leaves And the women continued to bleed They bled what looked like shards of chicken skin Out their holes And the men fucked the holes The good men licked them It was hard to say who was good Sometimes when the good men licked They thought about the next Bloody hole they would be licking It was hard to say But one woman felt sure The licking of the blood Meant a man was good No matter what So she bound herself to him And drank of his light Though there was light in other men And shining from all kinds of places Mountains and palm trees and ancient words Water and sea vegetables Infinite sources of light Wherever you turned your eyes it was If you knew how to see it And feel it She felt it In the mouth of this licking man Sleep in my light he said She did Her blood on his face Her blood in his light Pink and then The vanishing He had to disappear As those we make saints of on earth must do And the light was still inside her And the light was all around her But she felt the light go with him And she prayed she would go too Nothing was made for me I have to keep making it Everything was made for me The ocean, though I didnt know it till I murdered What evil did I murder that I finally knew the ocean? No evil no evil I simply saw the ocean I saw the ocean for the first time After having seen it for 2000 years And when I finally saw the ocean It murdered evil for me You ask me to define evil I dont know I cant I can only say there are things that stand In the way of other things And the ocean murders all of them When there is no one left When it is just me and god What do I say? I say help I say freezing I say I am wrong But god you never made me feel that way Humans speak god I am one of those humans Many ugly things Blood head skull hole Milk mouth teeth rot Sun hair dick suck Mother water egg eye Ugly and real Ugly and real I dont want to share My life with anything real God is real I am trying to get better What does that mean? I thought that there were two The good voice And my voice I thought the good voice was buried And I would have to dig Under my voice Which is glittery and cold To get there Then I heard them A drumbeat and hawks Also snakes Many wild voices Heartbeats Big beats One beat All over Do you hear it? I hear it now Speeding up Taking me up We were kissing in the pigs and fucking in the pigs My god said it was not love But my other god said it was My god just wants me to be happy And my other god wants me to be happy And the women have not stopped crying Throughout history So I said kill me with your arrow cock And I will cry too Only later You will never be a centaur without me But you will be a gypsy The stars dont give a shit We should be under one piece of cloth Maybe sleep on my hair across the continent Watch me go up in the sky I do Now Im falling into the ocean You gave me only drops of what I want I wanted to haul I wanted to harbor your wreck Stop not blowing the conch Be a childhood ok? The heart so ready before it existed My mouth on your silence The dark of not getting what I want The dark of getting it Holes forever and ever Shoes of the father so stepped on The belly of our thing I dont know what it is But I know something slit it Call me a jellyfish In the evening my body grows a penis I want you in my odor And I dont give a shit about the stars I want your skin for a screen I can project a cemetery You can smoke all you want Welcome to the coffin Hi dumb dry memory You keep hurting my awe I can hold back till infinity Then I get to hump the light I will be so good at infinity No grey room to frighten me Only the end of all the stale colors Everything become all the colors I used to think I would not live long Now I think I have my music And I will become a song when I die So that even if I die today there is an awesome mercy Watch me fucking the light Me licking light from every finger Me with the light in my ass Me saying more and the light saying yes Me finding out what I always knew Which is what I know now but cannot remember I will show the old animals how to be young This will be my deathless offering The peace I will not pray for Silence I wont sit in Zero surrender The manbaby splayed for my affection I say no I ride an animal along the shore Any animal I have my knife and money A throat I am a woman and no woman at all The honey drips I taste myself I eat me in an arc on the water Dig out my third eye The hole I fill with sickness this time Every time This is what I do with love Mother nature will forgive me of my killing ways when she forgives me Mother nature will forgive me of my killing ways when she kills me And I dont know if mother nature loves her killings As I have tried to love my killings Or if they make her happy As none have made me happy Or if the things she kills are beauty As I kill only beautiful things Myself mostly And cruel are the angels who have rescued me Only to never get inside me And cruel is the grace that always lived inside me too quietly Cruel eye that brought me to ruin overdosed on humans Cruel beautiful humans who made the silence seem so empty Both cruel and uncruel is the mystery So I have had to kill the mystery I stuffed the mystery up with gyrating statues Lets lead a spontaneous prayer for the mystery Please be no void O gyrating mystery Invoke me and no end of days please mystery Love me with immaculate feeling zero body Let me give you the gift of dinner The dinner is mine and it is not mine It is our dinner and everybodys dinner There are infinite dinners and there is only one dinner I will give you the one I ate at feasts with Bacchus I ate wild boar and citrons Brains in rose patina Cherries, lambs, suckling pig, blood sausages and quinces The water was cold and the wine seemed nice Wine was going to be nice for a very long time Then it would not be nice I was nine, eleven, thirteen My breasts came in and there were seven pubic hairs on my mound Bacchus came and laced my cup with serum A sleeping serum? No a vomiting serum In the field I felt that I would vomit Bacchus sat me on his lap facing the sunset My legs straddled his knee The pressure of his knee and the pleasure of the coming vomit My seven pubic hairs The hands of Bacchus clasped around my stomach My stomach fat but Bacchus didnt care So my stomach thin Bacchus put his fingers down my throat to help the vomit come I burped and burped but nothing came I burped like the ocean I burped like quicksand Bacchus gave me water to make the vomit come When I vomited up the water he kept his hand in my mouth The vomit went down his arm in a waterfall The vomit bathed his body I vomited down his arm all night The vomit smelled like dead boar It smelled like brains It smelled like coins, gladiolus petals, mothers milk and cloudrealm Bacchus said he wanted to hear my stomach scream I screamed and screamed until I had no more screams Then I began singing This was joy I am an animal outside the church No I am in the church being good Incense makes me deep Like the scorpion under jealousy Fuck what they say I can find goodness in a church I can find it anywhere So much of my brain is scorching I have had to learn to find it everywhere My brain is a jet and purple scorpion Pacing outside the church And my heart is the church It has its bound spire You know it has its bells and walls Its plastic love contingency But in the end dissolve Like everything infinity My feelings were dogs With no master left to tend them But the dogs stayed alive And discovered they could feed themselves And I must really love my dogs Or else I would have stabbed them So as never to mistake again A deadbolt for an opening Because I am a dead girl And I want to be alive Though the things that look like life to me Are somehow a killing But one day I may get a death The coming of a kind That seeks no other death to love And Im so scared of choking I dreamt nothing of you tonight because I did not sleep You were under your hat and I was in my head I want to be in your head I am already over I am widow corpse while soft girls pump wells They are already over What if nobody is over? What if nobody has to end? I could spit the rain I could bring the flood I could say water water I could say this into the nothing Hear the voice of my hungry bloodhound ghost She thinks she is a wolf So full of zeros Hungry zeros in the hungry bloodhound ghost Her mother the queen cut out her teeth To keep her from imaginary destruction And the hunger ran down her throat And made an ocean of zeros But she is tired of that story Sucking the teeth of other doggies Damming the ocean with bones And glittery mirrors and minigods She goes to the big god And god is in the ocean God says dont drown She says float me All the crystals Of how life is Some of them Just look like rocks From the bottom of the ocean come the figures They are also in the air Every body we have ever been Rodents and cheetahs and snakes You dont have to be anything ever again You can just be the air How does it feel with your body gone Narcissus weeping but the stars like yeah What if the dogs got quiet And their fur was my hair And they licked my face But it was me licking my own face Also my heart And the licking built a new kingdom But the kingdom wasnt in the sky It was in my hands and on my face Also in my heart And I let me be the kindly dogs And I saw the dogs were always kind They had only been disguised Or maybe they were kind and horrible both Roaming the woods in circles Until one day they simply walked Out of the woods The woods so full of knots The knots possessing water The dogs needing every lick of that water Until they were ready to leave the woods And when they were finally ready There was still time It wasnt sundown And the dogs looked at the sun And the sun didnt burn their eyes And the water in their bellies And everything outside them Was all The ground under me is nothing My tendons are nothing The dick in my palace is nothing My ancestors eaten by flames are nothing The flames themselves are something All my holes are something Universe universe tell me my secret The wind in your thoughts and the perfume in your heart I pretended the lust was voices And I wrote down the voices And sometimes the voices spoke as I had written them To confirm what I already knew Which is that I am a child and ready for petting And sometimes the voices said nothing To confirm what I already knew Which is that I am filled with holes And sometimes the voices said strange words To confirm what I did not know Which is that I am a ghost And the men are real And going on without me Slices of paradise cut in because Paradise demands our attention My paradise is a coma I think It hurts so much to keep walking Sometimes comas brush against my feet But I still love on Earth And will maybe stay alive Without everything I think I need The angels are singing me to sleep The dream of being alive gets born I get scared and redream it And everything I touch on Earth Resembling angels I try to eat All the seers predicted who I am They said she is a waiting room for bones Still I am after some non-predictable end Where I go beyond skin and hair I am a fuck demon in a fuck castle Also electricity and no dust And I am coming for you spirit I am avenging everything The gravestone they tried to make you in the rain I will make the rain stop Or I will make it rain animal bodies And you will see your face in the lions And when you believe you are good After you have felt wrong for a very long time The angels come find you and blow in your eyes And you become a glowing fish And all of your tears turn to ocean And the iron world rolls backward And there in space you are saved From yourself and also the future And a quiet voice is all that there is There in space and floating above it There in your gills and also your lungs A quiet voice is all that there is Just dont let me drink from the white tower Or the grey sane or the black linear Only the red river No one knows any more than me And I am going to have to stay alive In the mouth of civilization I ask god to send a swordsman And god says look at your hands I smell horses on the wind They are galloping out of my hot lips Am I crying on coal mountain The sky is a funnel I want it I want to be sucked by the moon Or needled into the night Or into the eye of a cock Of a boy with a mouth like mine And together we enter a door in the sky Which is one door But all doors And the breath there is his but mine And the truth in the door is many As the truth on coal mountain is many But also one truth alone A truth I have felt since always Before the time of the cock Do I point to it from my sickbowl Perched high atop coal mountain And I can never say its name As I gape into the dark And see the jaw of a boy Reflected in my sickbowl My bowl of gristle and blood My thoughts of bellies and scythes And how to cut me out of me The vine of the mind and the heart and its sword And the smoke of the coals in the dark And his hands on my dress and his mouth on my death And the bites of want in the dawn When the boy disappears with the sun How his body becomes a soot And his semen dissolves in the wind But his shadow remains on coal mountain Am I mine God wants me to have a lemon tree Or else I wouldnt have it And now the horses must come rescue me Or if no horses, you Please bring on a stampede Bring on the fake salvation faster than I could And I would sodomize with you all evening if I could Though in the dark You looked so human in your skin That I called you human in my head And did not want you then And felt relieved I heard the bubblings of a liquid inside Not plasma or pus or sex wet An unearthly liquid, so other And I was told to keep it inside till forever Now I cry astral tears for all the fake holies This is how you alchemize you cry I can teach you alchemy if you lick my astral tears Or maybe just watch me My pussy tastes like rain to you I will not make this a romantic poem Poems are made of mistakes Poems about poetry are mistakes I look to mistakes and say am I ok? I look to mistakes and say make me ok My pussy tastes like pussy And I have been scared since the day I was born I turn my mind to bread and feed it to dogs The dogs are good of stars and never devils They eat me into something better maybe a door They eat me to a sky until Im gone from me They swallow all my voices cold and drill They hollow me out for all the good secrets The secrets give me third eye until sunrise I shut my mouth the whole time What kind of thing would orphan a mind Was it the abyss With its infinite carves Or the everywhere of graves That said I was alone My darling piggie Darling piggie orphan of my mind I will unearth you to the snouts of your tribe Even if we have to leave the Earth I will find you a home And forgive you in your slops Even as you eat my head and hair and heart The people talked to me of god Then god talked to me of god God said do not move I said I know And then got very still and knew that I was not And saw our shadows in the room Two wild and kindly dogs Leaking light from out their wet jaws The good of breath from where we all began Though our minds try to tell a different story A tale of man and his machete Murder of our dogs when we fake being men Or live a lifetime in the human codes Fierce we cut the shadows with our seeing-eye bones Gently then we dress the wounds In nothing That will lead us back to Earth Grateful acknowledgment is made to the editors of the following publications, where some of these poems first appeared: POETRY , Denver Quarterly, Tin House, Flavorwire, PEN, Rhizome, Poets.org, Gigantic , Adult , Typo, The Volta, Paperbag, NewHive, Ping Pong , Third Rail Quarterly, Glittermob, The Atlas Review , Powder Keg Much love and gratitude to Meredith Kaffel Simonoff, Tony Perez, Matthew Dickman, Jakob Vala, Nanci McCloskey, Meg Cassidy, everyone else behind the scenes at Tin House, Daniel Lopatin, Dorothea Lasky, Patricia Lockwood, Zach Verdin, Venice Beach, Pickle, and always, Nicholas Poluhoff. PRAISE FOR MELISSA BRODER Broder manages to conjure a psychic realm best described as one part twisted funhouse and two parts Catholic school, heavy on libido and with a dash of magick. This gritty, cherry sodablack book is bizarrely sexy in its monstrousness. Publishers Weekly I dont know what a book is if not a latch to elsewhere, and Scarecrone has pressed its skull against the hidden door.