Table of Contents
ALSO BY MARY McGARRY MORRIS
Vanished
A Dangerous Woman
Songs in Ordinary Time
Fiona Range
To Michael,
with whom all things are possible:
goodness, friendship, and such long love as this.
Thank you for your brilliance, your strength,
and the joy of your wit.
CHAPTER 1
The way to look at it is, that was somebody else, some eighteen-year-old kid with the same name. It wasnt you. His brother, Dennis, sat at the foot of the bed, watching him in the mirror.
Who was it, then? Gordon Loomis squinted through the blur of sweat. The jug-eared face was the same, bland, the deep chin cleft its only discernible feature. He dragged his starched sleeve across his forehead. He still wasnt used to the heat of a proper room. The closeness of his brothers voice seemed the only air to breathe.
You know what I mean! Dennis said. And besides, people forget. I mean, twenty-five years! Thats like what? A lifetime ago when you think of it. Nobodys the same person they were then, just like youre not.
But I am. Im still the same, Gordon said. His thick fingers struggled with the tiny collar button. Three hundred and fifty pounds, six and a half feet tall. Just as big thenLoomer, because he took up so much space. Because of the way he leaned so close to hear. Because he never knew quite what to do with himself or where he belonged.
No, youre not! For one thing, you used to be a complete slob, and now look. Dennis laughed, pointing at Gordons hairbrush, the comb placed in the exact center row of bristles. What do you call this? Obsessive-compulsive? Anal retentive? He meant the rows of coins stacked heads up, the sleek black flashlight, and still in its box the blue tie Dennis had bought for him to wear today. Gordon had laid it all out last night. Some things he could control. Most he could not, like this job interview.
He took deep breaths to block out the nasally thrum of Denniss voice. I dont get it. Lisa and I had you all set up in Mom and Dads room. So whyd you go and move your stuff in here? Its the smallest room in the house.
Its my bedroom, Gordon grunted, chin raised and straining, the button almost fastened.
Was your bedroom. Wastwenty-five years ago. But life moves on, Gordon! Right? It does, doesnt it? His brothers pained smile rose like a welt on his lean, boyish face.
Gordon knew better than to answer. His younger brother was as thin-skinned and mercurial as he was generous. It couldnt have been easy all these years with his greatest desire, Gordons freedom, so fraught with expectations of disaster. In the week that Gordon had been home, Dennis had criticized his every decision. His brothers confidence in him was strongest with visitors Plexiglas between them.
Its so damn dark back here. Dennis looked out the window into the leaf-tented patch of shade, the old trees crown grown bigger than the yard. Now Gordon would hear how he should have gone to California: hed have a fresh start there, complete anonymity.
Damn! he muttered, and Dennis started toward him just as the button went through.
Youre so nervous! Dennis handed him the tie. Its just an interview. Whats there to be nervous about?
Gordon turned his damp collar over the tie. The interview was too soon. He wasnt ready. Freedom was like this new suit Dennis had bought for him. It might look a perfect fit, but it felt as if it belonged to someone else. Gordon tried to knot the tie, then yanked it apart. I never could do this! He threw it down on the bureau.
Cmon, big guy, Dennis coaxed, slipping it back around Gordons neck. Hey! After all youve been through, thisll be a piece of cake! Youll do fine!
Gordon glared until Dennis stepped away. His hands trembled as he fastened the tie himself.
Knots too big, Dennis said, shaking his head.
Gordon pulled tighter, his face a mask again, eyes half-lidded to this speck in the mirror, not a man, but a point in time, that was all. No more than a moment. A moment. And then it would pass without pain, without anger or loss.
Now whatd you do? You got the wrong end too long. Dennis chuckled. Here, let me. He reached out.
Gordon stiffened. There. He stuffed the longer narrow end into his shirtfront. You cant even see it.
No! Dennis howled with dismayed laughter.
Thats the way I always did it, he said.
Sure, when you were a kid. Cmere! Dennis was undoing the tie. We dont have much time left.
Gordon recoiled from the sour intimacy of his brothers breath. According to the corrections manual, each inmate had his own space, a circumference of twenty-four inviolable inches.
That guy I told you about, Kinnon, my patient? Dennis murmured with the last loop. I called last night to double-check, and he said it was all set. He said hed already laid the ground work. Hed already explained things.
What things?
Things. You know what I mean, the details.
The knot dug into his gullet. Details. The scrapings of fleshhisgleaned from under her fingernails. The cuts on his enormous arms measured, photographed: the quantifiable proof of her grasping, desperate struggle against the pillow. Details, twenty-five years deep, most like flotsam released in pieces, surfacing through dreams, or snatches from a song, certain smells: the damp sweetness of shampooed hair, or even abrupt silence into which would rise her muffled pleas, soft moans, the last earthly sounds of Janine Walters and male fetus. Kevin.
He said he explained it all, you know, how young you were and everything, Dennis said as they got into the car.
Everything. Gordon stared out the window. As if it were one of those crazy things kids do? A prank? Just break into a house and kill a sleeping woman. His eyes closed. I hope you never forget! I hope every day of your miserable life is a living hell! her raw-eyed mother screamed with the verdict. She had wanted him dead.
So now you just have to show them what a normal, regular guy you really are. Dennis grinned. Plus, youve got all these letters. The folder between them was thick with testaments to his good behavior and trustworthiness from chaplains, wardens, guards. The best one thoughs from Delores.
What do you mean, from Delores?
Her letter. I told you I was going to ask her.
No, you didnt!
Well, I thought I did. I meant to. I mustve forgot, thats all. No big deal. Dennis backed into the street, then had to wait while a chunky young woman in a skimpy sundress carried an infant while maneuvering a sagging stroller across the street. Roped onto the stroller was a television set.
And where the hell do you think she got that? Dennis sighed and shook his head. Dont forget: Keep everything locked. Mrs. Jukas said you even leave a window open and theyre in like rats.
You shouldnt have done that. I cant believe you asked Delores without asking me first.
What? Whatre you talking about? Its just Delores! Whats the big deal? Dennis said. The minute the woman passed, he hit the gas and raced up the street.
I dont want her to write a letter. He gripped the door handle. The contents of his stomach rose and fell with the blur of signs, sunstruck glass, cars passing, the honk of a horn. On the way home from Fortley, Dennis had to stop on the highway three times while Gordon dry-heaved alongside the car.
