Lycett - Parsnips - buttered: how to baffle, bamboozle and boycott your way through modern life

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First published in Great Britain in 2016 by

Hodder & Stoughton

An Hachette UK company

Copyright Joe Lycett 2016

The right of Joe Lycett to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 473 64044 3

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Contents

On 5 July 1988, a potent mix of viscous liquids coalesced and became known as Joe Lycett. Joe Lycett is found around ponds and marshes in the West Midlands of the United Kingdom. The specific origins of Joe Lycett are not known but, based on the duration of an average pregnancy and taking into account menstrual cycles, it is likely he began around 7 October 1987, just as the movie Fatal Attraction was arousing audiences across the Western world.

Soon after his conception, presumably as news spread that a foetal Joe Lycett was blossoming in his mothers womb, the Black Monday financial crash of 19 October 1987 devastated the markets, with the Dow Jones falling a massive 508 points. This was just the beginning of a lifetime of global financial disruption and massive amounts of parking fines.

Around 7,000 days passed and the young Joe Lycett was now a not-so-young Joe Lycett. He had decided to take on the institutions. He became livid when he realised that his local bus company in Birmingham was one of the only bus companies in the UK to not give change to its customers. Irate at this discovery, he launched a brilliantly titled campaign called Time for Change, which culminated in just under 200 likes on Facebook and a meeting with the bus companys PR team. Despite a passionate plea to their common decency, the campaign was a failure, Joe bought a car and he forgot about the whole thing.

But this desire to improve the world in small but important ways lived on, and Joe has since become well known for campaigning for what some would call pointless matters but which he actually thinks are very important and What do you know, Dad? Why shouldnt I send a knob of butter to every Topman store in the UK? You cant stop me.

He is known as a comic ( Guardian ), young ( Time Out ), relaxed ( The Times ), messy ( His Mother ), not famous enough to abandon my date ( Someone on Twitter ), not funny, annoying face and voice ( Someone Commenting on The LAD Bible ).

He has appeared on BBC Radio 4 on Just a Minute and Loose Ends , and is the host of panel show Its Not What You Know . His television credits include Live at the Apollo , 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown , Sunday Night at the Palladium and Would I Lie To You? and he has served ice creams at the Palace Theatre, Manchester, and Alexandra Theatre, Birmingham. He would like you to know that the spoon is in the fucking lid. Have another look. No, not under the lid, in the lid. Look. Yes, it is there. I told you. Dont take that tone with me, just because Im on minimum wage doesnt mean Im an idiot.

He leaves behind a mother, father and sister hes not dead but he often leaves them in coffee shops, despite promising to give them a lift home.

The first sentence of your first book is the most important sentence you will ever write in your entire life.

Helen Lycett, my mother

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of good fortune must be in want of a parking fine.

Life is hard. We are a bombarded generation: theres Twitter, Instagram, taxes, newspapers, adverts for balding, the Panama Papers, watches that read your pulse, terrorism, gluten-free bread Theres such an onslaught to the senses these days its a marvel any of us manage to get out of bed. God I love bed.

Whilst we are overwhelmed and confused by this miasmic cloud of information, there are those who seek to take advantage: there are parking fines, hate tweets, email scams and Christmas newsletters from old school friends about their ugly kids. And just as we get round to doing something about it, were distracted again Sandra from head office has emailed to ask why weve started using Kenco Millicano when its three times as expensive as Aldi own-brand instant coffee and no one can taste the difference. Well, Sandra, its mainly because when I drink the Aldi stuff I get the shits. Also: get a life, Sandra.

I, Joe Lycett, star of stage and screen, am here to help using my main weapon: mischief.

During my short life of doing largely nothing, Ive discovered some unusual solutions to many of lifes common problems. Other self-help books by people like Alain de Botton or Eckhart Tolle may give you tips like, Encourage dialogue with your partner by asking them regularly what you could do to improve or Connect to your inner spirit by wearing a hemp jacket and listening to Simply Red. I will not be imparting such profound wisdom. Nor will I be giving tips like, Put tack on the side of your desk to hold your laptop cables or Use a clothes peg to secure your coffee and keep it fresh. WE DONT NEED TO KEEP THE COFFEE FRESH, SANDRA, ITS ALDI COFFEE, IT NEVER TASTED FRESH IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you are looking for enlightenment or kitchen advice, may I suggest you look elsewhere. Also: get a life, Sandra.

No, I understand that lifes problems are complicated and the solutions need to be nuanced. As such, in these pages I will impart to you advice that is out of the box. By that, I mean I am sitting in a cardboard box writing this advice.

For example, here are some of my tried and tested LIFE HACKS:

LIFE HACK #538: Melt four KitKat Chunkys together with a warm knife for a fun way to forget you are crippled by loneliness.

LIFE HACK #639: Try Dry January. Every time your mouth feels a little dry, fill it with gin!

LIFE HACK #205: Spice things up in the bedroom by covering your genitals in cayenne pepper.

LIFE HACK #926: Save paying to see Fifty Shades of Grey at the cinema by logging onto a computer and searching for pornography.

LIFE HACK #284: Recreate Glastonbury Festival at home by draining your iPhone battery and pissing yourself in the garden.

LIFE HACK #285: Recreate Reading and Leeds Festivals at home by draining your iPhone battery and shitting yourself in the garden.