National Hockey League - The day i (almost) killed two gretzkys: ... and other off-the-wall stories about sports ... and life

The Day I (Almost) Killed Two Gretzkys

And Other Off-the-Wall Stories About Sportsand Life

James Duthie

The Day I (Almost) Killed Two Gretzkys: And Other OffTheWall Stories About Sports And Life
Copyright 2010, 2011 by James Duthie

Published by Collins, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd

Originally published by John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd.: 2010

First published by Collins, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd in this EPub edition: 2013

First HarperCollins Publishers Ltd EPub Edition JUNE 2013 ISBN: 9781443427210

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To Cheryl, Jared, Darian, and Gracie
for your love and inspiration

Foreword

By Roberto Luongo

The first time I met James Duthie, he had me run over by a Zamboni.

I was playing in Florida with the Panthers, and James and his TSN crew came down to do a story on the relationship between my back-up goalie, Jamie McLennan, and me.

It sounded like your typical feel-good story. I figured he'd probably ask me the same kind of fluffy questions we always get with features like that. You know, How do you and Jamie help each other improve? Do you hang out together off the ice? Is it like a brotherly relationship? Everyone loves those warm-and-fuzzy hockey stories.

Now, I knew James from TV, but I didn't know him personally at all. So he strolls into our dressing room that day, and says, Nice to meet you, Roberto. Here's my idea for this story. We'll shoot all these funny scenes of Jamie acting like he's your slavetying your skates, buying your groceries, spoon-feeding you dinnerbut secretly, he'll be fantasizing about murdering you so that he gets to play more. And at the end, we'll do a dream sequence where he runs over you with a Zamboni and crushes you.

O... Kay.

Actually, I kind of liked it. Sure beats the How did you feel out there tonight? interviews we have to do after every game. Plus, I can act. Luongo doesn't rhyme with De Niro by accident. So we shot all these scenes in and around the dressing room, and then at the end of practice, he pulls out this life-sized dummy they bought from some movie company. They had it dressed in full Panthers equipment. It did look kind of like me, though the hair wasn't nearly as good.

So Jamie was riding the Zamboni, wearing this mock-evil grin. I did all the close-up shots of my face, looking terrified as the Zamboni approached (I nailed it). And then Jamie rode the Zamboni down the ice, and ran over the dummy.

I think the story is still on YouTube somewhere. It was hilarious.

A couple of years later, after I had been traded to Vancouver, James and I did a sequel, where I was having flashbacks of the Zamboni-crushing. It was more brilliant acting and special effects. James kept squirting water on my face to make me look like I was sweating, and I would roll my eyes back in my head like I was having some sort of seizure. Once again, Oscar-worthy stuff. Or at least a Golden Globe.

The point of all this is that Duthie is demented. He is a sick, twisted individual. And I like that.

I have always gotten along well with the media, and I try to answer all the questions they ask. But sometimes you do get tired of the same old stories and columns every day. Why are the Canucks winning? Why are the Canucks losing?

The media needs originals. James is one of those. His columns are just like that story we did in Florida: unique, funny, often twisted and an absolute blast to read.

He really does have to get over the Kournikova obsession, though. It's not going to happen. Have you seen yourself in HD, dude?

The only thing that bothers me about the book is that there aren't any columns in here about me. You think if a guy agrees to write the foreword for your book, you might have found something half-decent to say about him. But I couldn't find a word. Sure, Tim Thomas gets a whole column. Luongo? Not even a paragraph.

And after all I've done for him. It hurts, frankly. Not as much as getting hit by the Zamboni, but it hurts.

Preface

So what's your book about, Daddy?

My six-year-old daughter Gracie asks me this as I'm slapping away at my keyboard, simultaneously editing two columns: one about coaches who ask players to refrain from sex before games, the other a fictional interview with a monkey who predicts the outcome of Stanley Cup playoff series.

I don't like my chances of nailing this answer.

Well, it's about a lot of things, Sweetie. It's about hockey, it's about other sports, it's about being a fan, being a Dad and... lots of silly stuff.

Is there a princess in it?

Uhh, no, Babe. No princess. Though I do mention Anna Kournikova a lot.

What about a dragon, Daddy? Or zebras? (She loves zebras.)

No, no dragons. But there are some scary things in the book. Like those jellyfish that attacked us in PEI. And the howler monkeys that wanted to eat Daddy in Costa Rica. Oh, and I mention Sarah Palin, too. She's terrifying.

As for zebras, Cupcake. Well, I do talk about referees. We sometimes call them zebras because of the stripes on their shirts. (Lame, I know. But she's six, okay? I thought it was a cute tie-in.) She looks at me, puzzled. I don't get it, Daddy. If you're writing a book, what's the story about?

I'm starting to sweat now. She's relentless. Mike Wallace in pigtails.

Well... this book has a lot of stories, Gracie. It's kind of like that fable book Nana gave you. Except most of these are actually true. (OK, some of them.) The stories are about all sorts of cool things! Things Daddy has seen during his career as a sportscaster, things about sports that make Daddy mad, things that make Daddy laugh, stories about famous athletes Daddy has met. And some weird stuff Daddy just dreams up in his head.