ORourke - Holidays in Hell

HOLIDAYS IN HELL

HOLIDAYS IN HELL

Also by P. J. ORourke

MODERN MANNERS

THE BACHELOR HOME COMPANION

PARLIAMENT OF WHORES

GIVE WAR A CHANCE

ALL THE TROUBLE IN THE WORLD

AGE AND GUILE BEAT YOUTH, INNOCENCE, AND A BAD HAIRCUT

ENEMIES LIST

REPUBLICAN PARTY REPTILE

EAT THE RICH

THE CEO OF THE SOFA

P.J. ORourke

Copyright 1988 by P. J. ORourke

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, or facilitation thereof, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Any members of educational institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or publishers who would like to obtain permission to include the work in an anthology, should send their inquiries to Grove/Atlantic, Inc., 841 Broadway, New York, NY 10003.

Published simultaneously in Canada

Printed in the United States of America

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

ORourke, P. J.

Holidays in hell / P. J. ORourke.

ISBN-10: 0-8021-3701-6

ISBN-13: 978-0-8021-3701-2

1. ORourke, P. J. 2. TravelHumor. 3. VacationsHumor. 4. World politics1975-1985Humor. 5. World politics1985-1995Humor. I. Title.

PN6162.075 1988 818.5402dc 19 88-17599

Designed by Laura Hammond Hough

Grove Press

an imprint of Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

841 Broadway

New York, NY 10003

Distributed by Publishers Group West

www.groveatlantic.com

08 09 10 11 12 10 9 8 7 6 5

To the memory of John Courteney Boot, in Evelyn Waughs Scoop, who spent some harrowing months among the Patagonian Indians and wrote a book called Waste of Time.

Often the more you understand, the less you forgive.

Jillian Becker

Director, Institute for the

Study of Terrorism

Take up the White Mans burden

The savage wars of peace

Fill full the mouth of Famine

And bid the sickness cease;

And when your goal is nearest

The end for others sought,

Watch Sloth and heathen Folly

Bring all your hope to nought.

Rudyard Kipling, on the occasion of

America taking possession of the

Philippines

Wherever you go, there you are.

Buckaroo Banzai

The Innocents Abroad, Updated originally appeared, in somewhat different form, in the International Herald Tribune 100th Anniversary Edition. A Ramble Through Lebanon was commissioned (and magnanimously paid for) by Vanity Fair but appeared in the Washington, D.C., City Paper. Through Darkest America was first published in Harpers; Weekend Getaway, in Playboy; Third World Driving Hints and Tips, in Automobile; and Intellectual Wilderness, Ho and What Does the Future Hold In Store for Our Friends in Faraway Lands?, in The American Spectator. The author would like to thank these publications for permission to reprint this material. All the other pieces in the book were underwritten by Rolling Stone magazine. The author owes an immense debt of gratitude (and quite a bit of money advanced for expenses) to Editor and Publisher Jann Wenner.

Jann convinced me to occupy the International Affairs Desk at Rolling Stone; he never complained (well, hardly ever) about the cost of my travels, and he persisted in publishing my work despite irate mail (much of it on recycled paper decorated in unicorn motifs) from his more liberal readers. Thank you, Jann, and the piece about terrorist activity on South Pacific nude beaches is in the mail. Really.

I am also greatly beholden to Rolling Stone Senior Editor Robert Vare, who rendered the confused absurdity in my manuscripts lucidly absurd, and to Rolling Stone Managing Editor Bob Wallace, whose unerring news sense kept me from making a number of silly mistakes such as going off to cover the Spanish Civil War which, as Bob pointed out, is over.

I would also like to thank Joseph Fitchett at the International Herald Tribune, Wayne Lawson at Vanity Fair, Jack Shafer at the City Paper, John Rezek at Playboy, David E. Davis and Jean Lindamood at Automobile and Wladyslaw Pleszczynski and Andrew Ferguson at The American Spectator, all of whom conspired to improve my prose. I hope they succeeded. And I would like to thank Morgan Entrekinpublisher, editor and friendwithout whom this book would be a largish stack of yellowing, badly smudged typing paper.

There is one more group of people I need to thank here: the print and broadcast reporters, the editors, producers, camera crews and photographers of the international press corps, especially those who make a career of covering dangerous and disgusting places. These shithole specialists were always welcoming when I traipsed through their bailiwicks. They gave me information, advice, background briefings and an awful lot of free drinks. They let me tag along on stories and hang out in news bureaus. And more than once they saved my ass from jail and worse. I owe most of the facts in this book to them. (The truths are theirs, the errors, mine.) In fact, I owe them the whole book. What I tell readers in my stories is nothing but what members of the press tell each other around the bar at 10:00 P.M. Thank you Chris Isham, George Moll, Charles Glass, Derwin Johnson, Tony Suau, Betsey West, Kazim Eddire, Robert Fisk, Chris Harper, Jane Hartney, Ray Homer, David Jaffee, Steve Cocklin, Anne Cocklin, Salim Aridi, Andy Cottum, Dorota Kowalska, John Giannini, Nathan Benn, Robin Moyer, Greg Davis, Steve Gardner, Tom Haley, Jim Nachtwey, Glen Gavin, Darrell Barton, Jerry Gonzalez, Anna Cerrud, Tom Brown, Mike Drudge, Kristina Luz, Clayton Jones, Scott Williams, Mark Littke, Kathleen Barnes, Allen Tannenbaum, James Fenton, Bill Rettiker, Chris Morris, Jeanne Hallacy, Keith Miller, Al Varga, Christine Chavez, Mike Boettcher, Qassem Ali, Nayef Hashlamoun, John Reardon, Tim Llwellyn and a hundred others I know Im forgetting or whose names are illegible in my scribbled notes. May bad news follow you around.

Ive been working as a foreign correspondent for the past few years, although working isnt the right word and foreign correspondent is too dignified a title. What Ive really been is a Trouble Touristgoing to see insurrections, stupidities, political crises, civil disturbances and other human folly because because its fun.

Like most people who dont own Bermuda shorts, Im bored by ordinary travel. See the Beautiful Grand Canyon. Okay, I see it. Okay, its beautiful. Now what? And I have no use for vacation paradises. Take the little true love along to kick back and work on the relationship. She gets her tits sunburned. I wreck the rental car. Weve got our teeth in each others throats before you can say lost luggage. Nor do attractions attract me. If I had a chance to visit another planet, I wouldnt want to go to Six Flags Over Mars or ride through the artificial ammonia lake in a silicone-bottomed boat at Venusian Cypress Gardens. Id want to see the planets principal featureswhat makes it tick. Well, the planet Ive got a chance to visit is Earth, and Earths principal features are chaos and war. I think Id be a fool to spend years here and never have a look.