ORourke - None of my business: P.J. explains money, banking, debt, equity, assets, liabilities, and why hes not rich and neither are you

P.J. Explains Money, Banking, Debt,
Equity, Assets, Liabilities, and
Why Hes Not Rich and Neither Are You

Copyright 2018 by P. J. ORourke

Cover design by Gretchen Mergenthaler

Cover photographs James Kegley

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Chapters have appeared in a previous version in

American Consequences and the Stansberry Digest

Emoji art design by Erica Leah Wood

FIRST EDITION

Published simultaneously in Canada

Printed in the United States of America

This book was set in 12.5 point ITC Berkeley Oldstyle

by Alpha Design & Composition of Pittsfield, NH

First Grove Atlantic hardcover edition: September 2018

Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication data available for this title.

ISBN 978-0-8021-2848-5

eISBN 978-0-8021-4643-4

Atlantic Monthly Press

an imprint of Grove Atlantic

154 West 14th Street

New York, NY 10011

Distributed by Publishers Group West

groveatlantic.com

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To Ed Mallon

Combat veteran, career FBI Agent, business executive, investor, andbest of allfather of my bride

If work was a good thing the rich would have it all and not let you do it.

Elmore Leonard, Split Images

To a flock of sheep the sheep who is every evening driven by the shepherd into a special pen to feed, and becomes twice as fat as the rest, must seem to be a genius.

Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

I f youre looking to claw your way up the corporate ladder, succeed beyond your wildest dreams, and amass an enormous fortune, youve got the right book in your hands. Now hit yourself over the head with it.

That stuff doesnt come from books. I write books. If wealth came from books Id be too rich to be writing. I have no idea where power, success, and a big pile of money come from. Probably from someplace awful, such as hard work, or impossible, such as being much smarter than I am.

But its a lot of fun watching people frantically trying to makeor keep from losingmoney. I love economics the way I love the NFL. A great thing about professional football is seeing the guys who stuffed me into my locker in high school break each others legs. A great thing about economics is how its like live crabs in a pot of boiling water. If one of them almost makes it out of the pot, the others will pull him back down.

And I say this not as some kind of anticapitalist commie nut, but as a firm believer in the free market and a great fan of economic liberty. I mean, I root for the Patriots. And I root for the Dow Jones too. But, if the guys who hoovered my investment portfolio in the 2008 financial crisis go to bankruptcy court or jail, thats a lot of fun.

Economics is a blood sport that I greatly enjoyas a spectator. Of course, like everyone else, I am, at some level, a participant in the economy. But I got myself off the field and into a luxury skybox by marrying a woman who was a business major and is much smarter than I am. I leave everything to her. I have no idea whats in my investment portfolio now. I havent called a play since 2008. It might be a thousand shares of Berkshire Hathaway. It might be a crypto-currency that Jim Cramer pulled out of his ass on Mad MoneyButtcoin. I dont know. I dont want to know. I just want to have fun.

Or I did until the kids got older and I became the father of three adolescents and began to feel that it was incumbent upon me to give them some fatherly advice about how to claw their way up corporate ladders, succeed beyond their wildest dreams, and amass enormous fortunes (with which to take care of me in a luxurious fashion in my old age).

So I told them, Ask your mother.

Their mother said, Work hard and be much smarter than your father.

My kids were discouraged by the first part of this advice.

So I tried again. I told them that the best way to do well in life is to find a job that combines what you love to do with what youre good at doing with what people will pay you for. Take me, for example, I said.

My kids said, You?

I said, Well, children, youre not starved to death and naked. Although you (I said to my eldest daughter) should wear a sweater over that Forever 21 top. Anyway, I