Pollak - How I Slept My Way to the Middle: Secrets and Stories from Stage, Screen, and Interwebs

With rebuttals, insults, and inappropriate asides
from the biggest names in Hollywood!

If he writes as well as he imitates me, youre in for a good time.

ALBERT BROOKS

Kevin Pollak is a mastermind of smart and funny. He attacks my funny bone the way a pit bull attacks my anklebone.

STEVE MARTIN

Kevin Pollak is one of those guys who shows up in every corner of the Business of Showhit TV programs, award-winning movies, radio shows of every kind, and benefit dinners for worthy charities. I once saw him in the parking lot at Cirque du Soleil and hollered, Hey! Kevin! but he didnt hear me. Like you, I wonder how hes made it to the Big Time. This book brings that mystery to a close.

TOM HANKS

Kevin Pollak does it all: He does impressions, he acts, he writes, he produces. He continues to impress with his unique and unabashed ability to use his friends names for his sole benefit. A true Renaissance man.

TOM CRUISE

Unfortunately, as a personal favor, I allowed Leo Tolstoy a blurb calling War and Peace my most fun read ever. That being the case, I am unable to say the same about How I Slept My Way to the Middle. Would that I had reserved that comment for Kevin Pollak, where the appraisal would be so much more deserved.

JAMES L. BROOKS

Unfortunately, I did a little digging, and Kevin Pollaks book was ghostwritten by a factory full of Chinese children hopped up on n-hexane. In spite of, or perhaps because of, that, I hear its a great read.

HARRY SHEARER

Actor, writer, storyteller, stand-up, chat-show host, man about town, the most wonderful company, and now memoirist. Is there no end to his deranged ambition? Clearly not. I did two pictures with him and count myself lucky I got off with just two. A book I just couldnt wait to put down.

GABRIEL BYRNE

To Jaime Ann Fox, for igniting a new, brighter,
warmer fire in my heart, mind, and under my ass.

Youve heard it can be so very lonely at the top, but I know for a fact that its fan-fucking-tastic in the middle.

FOREWORD

by Penn Jillette

Its a pain in my ass that Kevin Pollak is funny. It makes him fun to have supper with, and he was good in our Aristocrats movie, telling dirty jokesbut it fucks up my dream. My dream is to have Kevin Pollak play Houdini.

Hey, Martin Luther King got his dream, what the fuck am I, chopped liver?

Kevin looks like Houdini. Kevin sounds like Houdini. (Kevin always sounds really lo-fi recorded on an Edison cylinder.) In the world I want to live in, Kevin is playing Houdini in a movie that isnt campy like Tony Curtis or jive-ass like that Broadway musical is going to be with Hugh Jackman playing Houdini.

Now, I love Hugh Jackman. Hes been to our show, and he was fiercely nice and talented even backstage. In fact, he was more talented backstage than I am onstage. Hugh can sing and dance and everything, and his family is sweet and kind, and hes wicked good-looking.

So why the fuck is he playing Houdini?

Houdini didnt sing or dance, and he wasnt fucking good-looking.

This is why Kevin is perfect. Ugly-ass Kevin would be better than piece-of-ass Hugh.

Also, Hugh is Australian, and Houdini was so American that he was born in Budapest and pretended to be from Appleton, Wisconsin. Did Hugh ever claim to be from Wisconsin? Not that I know of, but what the fuck do I know?I dont stalk Hughs hot sexy ass. Kevin could claim to be from Wisconsin and not Frisco or whatever bullshit city hes from.

And if Hugh Jackman were from the USA, like Kevin is from the USA, I bet the assholes in his school would have called him Huge Jack-off. Not because Hugh Jackman is a jackoff, but because his name sounds like that. Assholes do that; assholes make fun of your name even if it doesnt mean anything. I sure would have called him Huge Jack-off, and I bet Kevin would have too because Kevins funny and Kevin can be an asshole, and you can bet your huge ackman that Houdini was an asshole.

Jackman is going to play Houdini in the Broadway show about Houdini, and the New York Times will write another great blowjob about him because he sings, dances, and eats pussy, and that shocks the Times . I can stop Kevin from singing and dancing... Im way bigger than he is. I cant stop Hugh Jackman from dancing and singing because he has big Wolverine claws. Houdini didnt have big Wolverine claws. Kevin doesnt have big Wolverine claws, so why the fuck isnt Kevin playing Houdini?

Theres an intensity to Kevin that he covers up in his stupid stand-up act. If Kevin werent funny, we would be more likely to see that focus, playing Houdini. Kevin would be a great Houdini. A non-dancing, non-singing, not funny, not jack-off Houdini. Kevins name doesnt sound like Jack-off, but... dont bring up Polish jokes or short jokes with the little fellow, whose name sounds a lot like Polack. I bet assholes called him Polack, but I bet Hugh Jackman never called Kevin Polack because Hugh is a gentleman.

Houdini was a pure little fireplug of intensity. Who knows?maybe Houdini did the first Shatner that every other two-bit piece-of-shit comic rips off. How would I know?

I think Kevin would be great as Houdini, so lets have him star in a serious movie about Houdini, OK? You know, there hasnt been a good Houdini movie. Harvey Keitel sure was good as Houdiniand I bet assholes made fun of the name Harvey, dont you think? Its kind of a goofy namein that shitty movie about fairies. But that doesnt count because the movie was shitty. Was Harvey better than Kevin (the Polack) would be? I dont know, but Harvey didnt ask me to write jack shit for his book, and he was in The Piano , and that sure blew.

I wonder if Kevin would be naked in his Houdini movie like Harvey was in The Piano . Houdini stripped during his escapes, so naked wouldnt be completely gratuitous, but I love gratuitous nudity anyway. Id like to see Kevins cock playing Houdinis cock. But Id probably rather see Huge Jack-offs cock for lots of obvious reasons.