Quigley - What on Earth Are You Wearing?

Fabric print that turns any fifty-something bar-hopping Botox-loving single woman into an animal. Most animal-print wearers are not that fussy about the animal, as long as the result is horizontally satisfactory.

ACID WASH REFLUX DISEASE

First discovered in the early to mid-80s, Acid Wash Reflux Disease (AWRD) affects nearly one in every four people. The disease is mainly caused when an acid-wash item re-enters a persons life after years in remission. Symptoms include a burning sensation in the stomach, particularly when faced with an acid-wash jacket or jeans. Even old photos or being exposed to revived 80s fashion tragedies can cause immense discomfort. Most at risk are those born in the 70s who experienced acid wash the first time around. Even if a person has never worn acid wash before, it doesnt mean theyre in the clear. Medical experts suggest if youve ever been to a Whitesnake or Bon Jovi concert, you should get tested immediately.

APPLIQU

Lace, beading, sequins, rhinestones, you know, all that decorative stuff. Take some of these, add more, go on and on, and appliqu is what you have.

ALOHA SHIRT

The shirt favoured by American tourists that greets you loudly as it enters the room. Aloha!

ANORAK

A lesbian parka.

APRON DRESS

Some call it a pinafore, others call it a way to keep a wife at a sink.

APPAREL

The pretentious word industry folk use for clothes.

ARM WARMERS

Leg warmers worn by punks and Goths too subversive to dress like a sissy dancer.

ADJUSTABLE BACK

The ability to tuck back fat into the top of your togs.

ARMANI

The difference between Katie Holmes and Katie Holmes-Cruise.

ATTRACTIVE

A prerequisite for joining the fashion industry and the very reason why I am merely a bystander.

ACADEMIC DRESS

A really, really smart gown that has a better vocabulary than you do.

The beret originated in France around the same time baldness and oily hair were invented. And just like many other French words, it comes from the Latin word birretum, which literally means just because you have a stupid floppy cap on your head we all know youre bald. Recent studies show that 89% of non-French people would rather wake up with a spider on their head than a beret.

BLOOMERS

A modest undergarment intended to preserve the decency of Victorian women in the 1850s. Now sold to horny businessmen in vending machines in Japan.

BOLERO

A short jacket for people without torsos.

BOTOX

See me in a few years.

BOX PLEAT

A neatly folded vagina.

BAD HAIR DAY

First day at the beach after a long wax-free winter. Unless of course mohair bikinis are suddenly fashionable.

BRAZILIAN

Mass rainforest clearing.

BALENCIAGA

Described by Christian Dior as the master of us all. Described by me as the master of my credit card.

BELT

Waist creator.

BENETTON

Controversial ads, boring clothes.

BIAS CUT

A technique used by designers to ensure mere mortals cant wear their clothes. This jumpsuit only comes in size 0; thats a bit bias.

Something designed for boys yet worn by girls due to comfort and ample hip coverage. The trend for cross-gender undergarments is not so readily discussed when referring to men in girls undies. I wonder why?

BARNEYS

Where good people go when they die.

BIKINI SHOPPING

Fun for some, torture for most. Also known as S&M.

B-CUP

A smaller-than-average vessel from which bees drink.