Recorded Books Inc. - The laughing soldier the british armed forces jokebook

First published in Great Britain in 2010 by
Casemate Publishers
17 Cheap Street, Newbury, Berkshire RG14 5DD, United Kingdom
and in the United States by
Casemate Publishers
908 Darby Road, Havertown, PA 19083, USA 2010 Casemate Publishers ISBN 978-1-61200-0381 eISBN 978-1-61200-0473 All rights reserved. Apart from any fair dealing for the purpose of private study, research, criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, electrical, chemical, mechanical, optical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the Publishers. A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library Page layout by Mousemat Design Limited, Orpington, Kent, UK Edited by Ruth Sheppard Printed and bound by Gutenberg Press Ltd, Malta Front cover image Getty Images 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 For a complete catalogue of all books published by Casemate, please contact: UNITED KINGDOM Casemate Publishers Tel: (01635) 231091 Fax: (01635) 41619 E-mail: casemate-uk@casematepublishing.co.uk Website: www.casematepublishing.co.uk NORTH AMERICA Casemate Publishers Tel: (610) 853 9131 Fax: (610) 853 9146 E-mail: casemate@casematepublishing.com Website: www.casematepublishing.com ABOUT PROJECT 65 THE VETERANS CHARITY Project 65 The Veterans Charity was founded in 2008 to raise funds for the care and support of wounded Armed Forces veterans and their families. There are hundreds of different issues faced by UK Armed Forces veterans and families of the Armed Forces community. Project 65 focuses on being able to help fund the vital care and support available for every issue faced by those associated with forces life. These issues include:

• Treatment and rehabilitation following wounding or injury
• Mental health
• Illness
• Financial support
• Housing
• Education
• Employment
• Bereavement counselling
• Childcare
• Mobility
• Family welfare

These do not just include the current and recent conflicts in Iraq or Afghanistan but also Kosovo, Bosnia, Northern Ireland, The Falklands, Borneo, Aden, Korea and of course World War II. More information about the charity and how you can help or get involved can be found at www.project65.net The Laughing Soldier grew from our love of the legendary military sense of humour, the unique ability to find humour in the toughest of situations but also for some of the sharpest humour there has ever been. Look at the greats of comedy The Goon Show, Dads Army, Blackadder or Monty Python many of the cast members and writers had a military background and some of the shows were even given a military theme or setting. The Laughing Soldier has three simple aims:

• To provide a source of laughter when its needed most
• To give the caring and supportive British public a chance to send their messages of support directly to those on the front lines
• To raise funds to help the care and support of veterans and forces families through Project 65 The Veterans Charity.

It permeates every aspect of life, so it should be no surprise that heres a joke book full of military humour. It can be a very particular kind of humour, the banter youd find among mates, the kind of in-jokes, barbs and gags that to outsiders seem incomprehensible; the slogans chalked onto the sides of the gliders found outside Arnhem in 1944 stating things like We are the Al Capone Gang and Up the Fruleins skirts were met with bafflement by the enemy (and not just because they were humourless Germans). And when the Royal Dragoon Guards crashed the MODs computer system with their Amarillo spoof, someone was laughing (though probably not the MOD). But mainly I hope that this book with all its jokes will put a smile on the face of the people doing what theyre doing so we that dont have to do what theyre doing, because that, in the end, is what it boils down to. Cheers! Al Murray Foreword by former Royal Marine Mark Ormrod Due to the harsh nature of life in the military, especially during times of conflicts, a good sense of humour is a key aspect to getting through the tough times that face all of our servicemen and women. Being able to tell a joke or crack a funny when morale is low can help even the worst of situations seem that little bit better.

Our armed forces are well known for their sense of humour especially in the face of adversity. Humour was a key factor for me when I got injured right from the point of being cas-evaced up until the low points in my rehabilitation and even still today, so remember when youre feeling low and youre sick and tired of everything, laughter is the best medicine. Mark Ormrod is one of the UKs best-known former servicemen. Mark joined the Royal Marines and went on his first operational tour in Afghanistan in 2007. Just eight weeks into his tour he was caught in a landmine blast which tore off both legs and his right arm. Marks amazing sense of humour can be summed up with his first comment after learning of his appalling injuries: So my dancing days are over then? The Clean Jokes A vicar looked over a garden wall and saw a gardener working among a fine display of flowers, fruit and vegetables.

Isnt it wonderful what God can do in a garden? he remarked. Yes, said the gardener, but you should have seen what it was like when he had it to himself. With very best wishes to everyone serving far from home this Christmas. Alan Titchmarsh, television presenter and celebrity gardener British: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. British: Negative.

You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. British: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND L ARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATL ANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.