Ridgway - Bandalism the rock group survival guide

bandalism [] n.: the willful or malicious destruction of, or damage to, the fabric of a rock/pop/indie group brought about by one or more of its members

Oh, Youre In a Band? You Any Good?

The Right Band

Getting It Together

The First Album

The Difficult Second Album, and Beyond

Breaking Up Is So Very Hard To Do

So What Have We Learned overall?

The Best Way to Find Band Members

The Bandalistic Personality Test

Troubleshooting Charts

The Bandalistic Bonding Questionnaire

The Heart-Head Horseshoe

www.myspace.com/abandofbassplayers

The Music Industry Igloo 105

The Bryan Ferry Self-Diagnosis Thermometer

The Firing Spiral

Second Album Venn Diagram

The Healthy Band Checklist

The Life Cycle of a Band

The Break-Up Zone (Detail)

OH, YOURE IN A BAND? YOU ANY GOOD?

No. We spend all our time in rehearsals arguing about pointless drum fills and hating on famous bands for being shit. And when were not doing that, were just sitting in a bar shouting about how fucking amazing our new song is to our bored friends (whom we fully intend to ditch when were famous) even though at the minute its just half a chorus and we secretly know its a bit shakey and completely ripped off from a U2 song. We havent really got a bass player because everyone who responds to our ads is a wanker and we havent played a gig since September last year. Not one person we dont know personally has ever said a single complimentary word about us.

Yeah, were fucking awesome, mancheck out our MySpace.

Bands are stupid. Bands are deluded. And bands are seemingly hell-bent on making exactly the same mistakes as every other band in history time and time again. Which is why most bands are rubbish and why even the great ones usually go spectacularly off the rails long before they get anywhere near achieving their real musical potential. This is bandalismthe obsession bands appear to have with self-harming.

Yeah other bands maybe, you sniff haughtily, not ours! Were not stupid. Believe me, we know what were doing.

Really? Id bet a substantial sum of money that youre heading toward just the same messy oblivion as the rest. Because most bands, while they may be outlaws bound for hell or glory on the rock n roll highway, are peculiarly conservative when it comes to following the Department of Rock n Rolls Highway Code:

• You must fail to look after yourself
• You must screw up your songwriting with self-indulgent laziness
• You must behave like children
• You must fail to communicate with each other properly and fall out
• You must make a rubbish second album and then continue to get worse until your merciful demise

And Ive had enough, frankly. Enough of this idiots doctrine of self-fulfillling doom. It doesnt create mystique, it creates misery. Ive heard it parroted by producers, managers, journalists, and lots of other people who should know better. Then Ive seen it lived out by bands whowellprobably shouldnt. Its lazy nonsense and it destroys bands. And bands make some of my favorite music. So, obviously enough, I hate being continually disappointed by them and seeing them self-destruct. Im not trying to make you boring. The very oppositeI want you to have an interesting story all of your own. Not the same half-finished one as all but about twenty other bands in history.

The point of this book is simple then: to reveal the mistakes so your band doesnt have to make them too.

Starting with how to form the right band, ending with when to break up, and taking in all the normal pitfalls along the wayhow to rehearse, how to find an image, how to bond, how to deal with gigs, recording, the press, record companies, fans, disgruntled partners, drugs, tension, rivalry, touring, falling out, madness, firings, addictions, and, of course, how to make the Difficult Second Albumall without breaking up for stupid reasons. It will also help you answer the crucial questions of the rock n roll universe, like, What is nervous exhaustion and how do you avoid it? or Whats actually in it for the bass player?

So now there is no excuse. If you follow the advice of this book, you will be doing everything in your power to avoid bandalism. To avoid being just another shit bandclogging up crappy venues with your uninspired, derivative musical slurry, getting a lucky break, fucking it all up, and ending up shunting shopping carts around a parking lot, or data around a database, with nothing to show for your twenties but press clippings, alcoholism, bitterness, and lots of unsold copies of your third single. Instead you will change musical history, change the world, and avoid going mad or dying in the process. So shut up and read.

It doesnt matter what sort of band youre forming, you have to have the right chemistry between youthe feeling that this collection of people is special, or that youre somehow on the same wavelength and going somewhere exciting. If you want to form a brilliant band, it has to feel like theres some bond of potential, some kind of shared and wonderful future that only you can have. Some of the time anyway.

Chemistry, though, is a very silly word. Its like beautiful. A catch-all term people use to describe something they cant explain. Unfortunately its the word great bands themselves most often choose to describe what makes them so effortlessly wonderful. Which is a bit of a shame, as having a more specific term available might be quite useful. Seeing as its so important and everything.

Usually it rears its head when bands say things like, We started playing and we just knew we had something specialthis kind of chemistry. Does this mean people in great bands are just gifted with magical self-confidence? If you dont go around just knowing things all the time should you give up and do something more sensible with your life? Something with qualifications and things? Are people in great bands specially chosen ones whose works humble mortals emulate at their peril?

It seems unlikely. If this was the case, why is the history of rock n roll littered with the rotting carcasses of terrible journeyman second albums, or bands that spend their whole careers getting incrementally less interesting? No, people in great bands are not Gods set among us (Johnny Borrell all the hundreds of times along the way they sat round thinking, Yeah, but are we actually just shit? Oh no, by then they just knew all along.

So is it all utter nonsense? Is there no such thing as chemistry? Is it, like Santa Claus and social mobility, a beguiling abstraction dangled in front of us when we start asking too many questions? Is it instead closer to the truth to say that any band will dothat being a great band is more about a bit of hard work than this teasing phantom chemistry?